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Friday, April 29, 2005

yes yes yes

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy opens today!

and maybe now we could make women's clothing entirely from cufflinks!

I'm going to be in a fashion show for La Croix accessories next Tuesday. Here's a picture from the last show I did for La Croix (the handbag is La Croix; the halter top made of neckties is made by, um ... someone who makes halter tops out of neckties).

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

because "rebounding" sounds better than "ladies jumping on trampolines"

I just did a rebounding class at the gym. The instructor was this cute little guy, queer as any rebounding instructor should be, who, while we were running in place on our trampolines, ran into the aisles between us and just started dancing all early-Micheal-Jackson style, while women cheered and whistled.

Among the music for this bouncy little party was a song that primarily consisted of the phrase "her ass is a spaceship that I want to ride," which I found a bit disconcerting. It reminded me of working out at the gym at Dartmouth to endless repetitions of "Smack My Bitch Up."

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the pronoun of DOOM!

After reading in the Voice this week about Stop Her Now, the Swift Boat-style advocacy group trying to take down Hillary, I did a bit of googling and discovered that arse poetica said it rather more humorously than I was going to anyway:
Calling all deconstructionists and semioticians! "Stop Her Now," whoo. I could go on that for weeks. Her. How sinister! (Or not.) Beware the succubus! (Or not.) The witch will eat your children! (Or not.)

It's hard to believe that in these advanced (sic) years of human evolution something as transparent, insipid, and anti-woman as this could pass the giggle test, let alone the Dark Political Overlord Come to Instill Fear of Senator Vagina Dentata Market Research test.
On another blog, Greg Sargent comments "all you need is the pronoun with this crowd, apparently."

she's a Prada mechanic

Oh, how lovely -- it's an interview with big bulldyke supermodel (those are hard to find!) Jenny Shimizu. I always wondered what happened to her after her appearance in "Foxfire" (that Angelina Jolie movie based on a Joyce Carol Oates novel, unless I'm making that up and it was really a po-mo Camille Paglia production).

go go gadget testosterone

According to the AP, more teenage girls are trying steroids "not necessarily to get an edge on the playing field, but to get the toned, sculpted look of models and movie stars." The AP claims that "up to about 5 percent of high school girls and 7 percent of middle-school girls admit trying anabolic steroids at least once."

I find this highly dubious. Whatever happened to just snorting coke in the girls' room? At least it doesn't make you grow unsightly body hair.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

wandering the desert searching for the land of grapes, honey, and a functioning logic board

My computer (the one pictured in the little spectacles picture on the front page) is sadly malfunctioning again. I think Apple should sponsor my blogging activities with a new iBook. I would promise to blog in public on the iBook while wearing cute outfits and intelligent-looking spectacles.

In any case, if you've been trying to reach me, please try again. I can now reply to new emails, but lots of old ones (and everybody's addresses) are inaccessible to me until my computer arrives back from Apple repair.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

hey honeypot, want an upgrade?

An email from Apple about the release of OS 10.4 carried the subject heading "Tiger. Change how you use your computer."

It kind of looks like they're flirting with us. "Hey Tiger! Use OS 10.4, grrr!"

oh no, where did I put my stock portfolio and wealthy relatives?!

I got an email asking me to fill out some kind of survey for the Dartmouth Alumni Magazine. I got through questions about my household size and income, and then I got to "net worth"; I'll let the options speak for themselves:

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Monday, April 18, 2005

this just in -- come see me read at Cornelia St.

Cornelia Street Cafe
29 Cornelia Street, West Village
New York City

Monthly Flash Fiction, Prose Poetry
& Experimental Short Forms Series

Carol Novack, Host

Wednesday, May 4, 2005, 6-8pm

GRANT JARRETT, author of the popular book "More Towels," a memoir recounting Grantís 20 licentious years as a mediocre musician & reasonably talented letch.
&
JENNIFER DZIURA, writer, stand-up comedian, spelling bee emcee & creator of a spoken word CD.

Featured writers will read their works after an Open Mic Reading, 6-6:45 p.m. (sign up before 6). The $6 admission fee includes a free house drink.

a man, a plan, a canal, Panama

I saw "Palindromes" yesterday, and it was truly awesome to pay $10.25 for the pleasure of having Todd Solondz make me feel excruciatingly uncomfortable for two hours. Look forward to thirteen year old girls being pressured into abortions and being called "child-whores"! And especially look forward to the gratuitous portrayal of an armless girl singing and dancing for Jesus.

Friday, April 15, 2005

an ode to the Girdle Factory

I've been meaning to post this sad missive for awhile now. A few weeks ago, I was in the Girdle Factory mall on Bedford in Williamsburg and noticed the "for rent" sign on the former Girdle Factory vintage shop.

Over the last year, I did three fashion shows for the Girdle Factory, one in their store and two at the Tainted Lady lounge. As the fashion shows became more fabulous, the store developed some great posters featuring a tattooed model in vintage lingerie, and they expanded into selling sex toys. Presciently, though, I never did really see anyone buy anything there.

In any case, the Girdle Factory is gone. Long live the Girdle Factory. And here, in homage, are some previously unreleased photos by Gary Winter of the GF's first fashion show.





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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

also, "friend of Hillary" sounds suspiciously like "confirmed bachelor"

I'm on the Friends of Hillary mailing list, but I must say I have not found the Senator's email communications to be persuasive or engaging. I mean, I'm still on the team, but I just got this:
You may have read news stories this weekend about the latest right wing effort to attack Hillary in 2006..... Meanwhile, as her opponents boast about their plans, Hillary goes on working hard for the people New York to address their real needs and concerns. I thought you'd like an update on what she's doing: Hillary joined her colleague Senator Chuck Schumer to ensure that the new fleet of presidential helicopters will be built in upstate New York.
Yes! Thank you! Please make sure presidential helicopters will be built in upstate New York! I have no creater concerns for truth and justice in America than this!

I only hope that someday I may be employed in the hovering-vehicle segment of the upstate New York aviation industry, and that I may be selected to labor on this contract, allowing me to personally touch the cool metal and rugged internal parts that will miraculously join together to make a helicopter in which our highest elected leader may travel in luxury and safety.

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awaken, caffeinate, and look like a movie star

Wow. When you buy coffee from FreshDirect, the recommendations box at the bottom says "You might also like: milk, cream, whitening strips."

That's some targeted marketing.

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I have cat hair in my eyebrows

My cat is feeling very nuzzly right now and insists on standing in front of my computer and rubbing the side of her face into my nose. So, I reached OVER the cat to check my email, and opened the Spanish Word of the Day, and it was "gato."

Mi gata esta ... meta-textual.

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Did you hear the one about the three eggs? Two bad.

News item! I have resolved to break the world record for the greatest number of jokes told in one hour and, as of 4/13/05, have submitted a proposal to the Guinness organization to that effect.

Who knew that doing comedy and being able to speak very fast (an "ability" that I find nearly impossible to switch off, much to my detriment in high school speech competitions) could get me into the Guinness Book?

I have submitted my proposal to break this record to the Guinness officials, and I now must wait 4-8 weeks to hear back with details such as whether the jokes must be original, whether they must be memorized, etc.

The best information I was able to dig up is that the current record for most jokes told in one hour is 676. I feel certain that I can do better. I feel certain that a New York comedy club would like to host this event. I feel certain I will need some cough syrup.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

sweet!

The Idaho Legislature has passed a resolution commending the vision "Napoleon Dynamite" and what it stands for. The resolution includes the following highlights, culled by Gothamist:

- WHEREAS, the friendship between Napoleon and Pedro has furthered multiethnic relationships
- WHEREAS, Rico and Kip's Tupperware sales and Deb's keychains and glamour shots promote entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Idaho's small towns
- WHEREAS, Kip's relationship with LaFawnduh is a tribute to e-commerce and Idaho's technology-driven industry
- WHEREAS, Napoleon's tetherball dexterity emphasizes the importance of physical education in Idaho public schools
- WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!"

A bit of idle research dug up the fun fact that the actress who plays LaFawnduh is named Shondrella Avery, and that, rather fantastically, a woman named Shondrella has played (only) characters named LaFawnduh, Lashandra, Candy, and Candy.

Monday, April 11, 2005

you don't even need a gun

I've put up a new comedy clip on MySpace:

Click to hear Jen on how to correctly mug a baby



Sunday, April 10, 2005

we are soooo f-a-m-o-u-s

The spelling bee has been profiled by Jen Carlson on Gothamist!

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economic elitism

I'm always hearing how women's magazines make women feel bad, but I think the New York Times does just as good a job. What the hell is up with the real estate section? Oh no, a building that once cost $15 million now costs $20 million! Look, here's a quote from a woman who thinks her $2,800/month one-bedroom in Murray Hill is a great deal. Who are these people? I find it much easier to live up to Cosmo's standards than the Gray Lady's. Toned abs, I can achieve; a Manhattan condo, not so much.

I hear all the time about pushes to include more "realistic body types" in advertising and magazines. Why don't we hear similar entreaties to portray people with more "realistic financial profiles"? Why are we so concerned about Vogue giving someone an eating disorder, but not at all concerned about the media and advertising making poor people feel bad?

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new video and audio clips are imminent!

My set at New York Comedy Club went great last night, and it was captured on video for posterity (a.k.a. my demo reel).

I have become very attached to my Schaffer the Darklord glasses, the ones I bought for my parody of "Attack of the Clonefucker," and have decided to always wear them on stage. I like the way I look in glasses, and I do actually require corrective lenses to see, but my real glasses are too heavy to wear for more than an hour or two. So, I've now adopted the practice of wearing contacts and then fake glasses. I'd like to get laser eye surgery just as soon as several thousand dollars in unmarked bills drops out of the sky, but one of the dangers of laser eye surgery is that, if your eyes haven't stopped changing, they can get worse again after the surgery and then you have to wear glasses again. I think that would be fine, though, since the new glasses would weigh approximately one-eleventy-hundredth the weight of my old ones, and also, presumably, I would be able to recognize objects like doorways, wolves, and the NYPD before even putting them on. Wearing cute little glasses to read? No problem.


In my set last night, I told some jokes about iPods, so I'm thinking I'll send a copy of my reel to Apple and see if they care. I also told jokes about that guy who mugged a baby, but I think it would be less effective to mail a DVD to, um, jail.

Saturday, April 9, 2005

my FreshDirect order is late, my printer is out of ink, and I need to go be in a comedy show now

How funny! Ha ha. Ha.

Friday, April 8, 2005

the memo that just won't die

So, let me get this straight.... according to Salon's account:
When the Terri Schiavo story became national news in mid-March, a curious subplot revolved around a talking-points memo that was reportedly distributed to Republican senators. Reported first by ABC News, and then by the Washington Post, the existence of a memo, which made crass -- and ill-advised, it turns out -- assertions that the Schiavo story was a political winner for Republicans, gave Democrats ammunition in their insistence that the GOP's involvement in the right-to-die case was more about politics than morality.
The document described the case as "a great political issue" that would excite "the pro-life base" and be "a tough issue for Democrats." Then right-wing bloggers tried to claim the memo was a fake planted by the Dems, but...
Late on Wednesday, the Washington Post reported that the author of the memo had stepped forward: An aide to Republican Sen. Mel Martinez of Florida admitted he had written it. Now the facts are clear: The memo is real, and it was written by the Republican side and distributed by the Republican side, making it a GOP talking-points memo.
So ... shockingly (!), Republicans did some thinking about how (wait for the kicker...) current events might benefit their party.

Um ... okay. I am not at all shocked that Republicans have an interest in using hot-button topics to their own advantage. "A woman in a coma is at the center of a vigorous debate -- how can we use this to benefit our party?" "It's raining out -- how can we use this to get our guy elected?" Awesome. That's what politicians do.

In fact, I would really like the Democrats to do more such strategizing. That's your goddamn job. I vote for you, you make shit happen and try to get re-elected. Start now! When something happens, write a memo about how to use it to win stuff. Please. I would like my elected representatives to stop complaining about the other side playing politics. It's like my hometown baseball team complaining that the other guys are exercising before the season starts.

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crouching jen, hidden dragon

Last weekend, I did a photoshoot for a movie poster in which I was perched on high heels and contorted into a dance pose (stick your butt out! now put your head back!) for hours. This photo was snapped during a break, when I was crouched, trying to alleviate the backache that lasted days.

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Spelling Bee: April 11 Finals + afterparty

The first-ever Williamsburg Spelling Bee finals at Pete's Candy Store are this Monday, April 11!  If you plan to compete and haven't pre-registered, please email me!

If you aren't competing, attending is still worth your while -- we will have mini-competitions (trivia, spell-this-word-backwards, guess the language or origin ...) in between the rounds so everyone can participate and win prizes.

Schedule for finals -- arrive at 7pm at Pete's Candy Store!
7pm - Check-in for contestants. Spelling bee founder bobbyblue and his band, bobbyblue y las flores, will perform a short set including the spelling bee theme song. See the theme song with a full band for the first time ever!

7:30pm - The bee begins! On time!

10pm - End of bee and afterparty up front in the bar!
See you on Monday at 7!

S-i-n-c-e-r-e-l-y,
Jenisfamous and bobbyblue

"travel floss"! in little containers that look like bottle caps

My new dentist, it turns out, is a big comedy fan and wants to come see one of my shows!

Also, despite having not been to the dentist since college, I have no cavities, for a grand total of no cavities ever. This is so spiffy.

Also: free bag of stuff from the dentist is way too exciting. It doesn't matter how much you paid for something; if you get a free toothbrush, it's a consummate bargain. The guy in the Guiness Book for being the best salesman ever had a trick -- he bought a bunch of fancy gold keychains for $100 each. He put the keys to the new cars on the keychains. And then, when it came time for the critical moment of sale, he held out the keys, and the customer would reach for them -- and then the customer had just bought himself a car.

Thursday, April 7, 2005

Williamsburg Spelling Bee official news

The finals of the Williamsburg Spelling Bee are this Monday, April 11, from 7-10pm. The next season begins April 25.

The last few bees, we've noticed we've really had to hurry towards the end. We don't like to rush, so next season we'll be starting earlier, and, beginning in June, ending later. (The first three bees of next season have bands booked right after, so we have to keep it short by limiting competition to the first 14 contestants, but after that we're golden).

Here is the complete next season schedule.  Put April 25 on your calendar! As always, the bee is at Pete's Candy Store.
April 25 -- 7-8:30 (limited to first 14 contestants)
May 9 -- 7-8:30 (limited to first 14 contestants)
May 23 -- 7-8:30 (limited to first 14 contestants)
June 13 -- 7-9:30
June 27 -- 7-9:30
July 11 -- 7-9:30
July 25 -- 7-9:30
Aug 8 -- 7-9:30
Aug 22 -- 7-9:30
Sept 5 - Labor Day (NO SPELLING BEE)
Sept 19 -- 7-9:30
Oct 3 -- 7-9:30
Oct 17 - Finals! - 7-10

surrealist pastry chefs

On Wednesday, I attended a Dartmouth alumni event at the Grand Hyatt near Grand Central. Due to massive ADD and just general boredom with the particulars of, say, Board of Trustees elections, I didn't make it through more than fifteen minutes of the actual presentation. As I had paid for coat check, I made sure to eat an equivalent dollar value's worth of brie and berries, and then hightailed it out of there before I started contemplating a new career in finance.

Anyway, the Hyatt is displaying "the world's largest chocolate tax return," created by their pastry chef. It's actually white chocolate, with the form printed on it in dark chocolate.

If you show up at the Hyatt at 8:30 on April 15, you can help eat the giant tax return.

a whale is not a fish. a whale is not a fish. not a fish!

I heard the dumbest conversation ever at FIT the other day. Two girls were waiting for the elevator, and one opened her beverage and discovered a "fun fact" inside the cap.

"It says that the whale shark is the largest fish and it weighs two tons. That's impossible!"

"Why?"

"A fish can't weigh ten thousand pounds!"

I turned back. "Um ... a ton is just 2,000 pounds," I said.

"Oh, thanks," she said. Then to her friend: "A fish can't weigh four thousand pounds!"

The friend said "I think it can. I mean, a whale is a fish, and it's pretty big."

Saturday, April 2, 2005

The NYTimes subscription help line is still playing Christmas tunes

I just listened to "Jingle Bells" while calling to complain that I never receive the Sunday paper. Always Saturday, never Sunday. Someone is utterly stealing my Sunday Times (but apparently doesn't need,say, the Book Review).

I at least have to keep the thing til my can of protein powder runs out

I broke my "smoothie maker" (i.e., the simplified plastic blender I got free at the bank) by dropping the pitcher part on the ground as I was trying to wash it. It cracked, but still looked like it might be usable, so I made a smoothie and discovered I had to put my hand over the crack in the pitcher so my protein shake wouldn't ooze out everywhere.

It's like, before I had a smoothie maker, I felt no need for a blender of any kind. But now that I have had a smoothie maker and lost it, there is a hole in my life that can only be filled by a blender-type appliance, and I will therefore have to go purchase one.

Thanks a lot, free gift from the bank.

New York is drizzly and so is my heart

Today I got off the 4 train and stepped across the platform to catch the 6. I sat down my bag and adjusted my gloves and then someone yelled "Miss!"

I turned, and a man heroically hurled my umbrella out the closing doors of the 4 train. A handful of passengers watched and smiled with satisfaction as I shouted "Thank you!" and went to pick it up.

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Friday, April 1, 2005

my CD is now available at Jigsaw Gallery

My CD is now available at the Jigsaw Gallery, on E 11th St between Avenues A and B.

You can stop in and ask for a listen on the house sound system! Meaning that, if you do so, I could broadcasting sadomasochistic performance poetry to any and all passersby.

Or, just stop in and buy something :) Jigsaw has a lot of little indie comic books and graphic novels. And cheap paintings, including some of robots. I covet those. I covet my neighbor's paintings of robots.

by the way, I thought Million Dollar Baby was maudlin and poorly written

It has just occurred to me that I'll have to take out my nose jewelry if I want to start boxing again, and that people have told me that when you take nose studs out, the hole starts closing up in less than an hour. Hrm.

I suppose I'd have to take out the belly button one, too. Funny, when I boxed in college, I really never got hit in the stomach, because I was shorter than the guys -- there would just be no way from them to get in there without severely compromising their balance and/or opening themselves up to a good whack in the head.

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