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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

did you know wombats' pouches are upside down so dirt doesn't get in them when they dig?

Ooh, the Gotham Writers Workshop newsletter printed a little bit about me:
Powhatan Review (Spring 2005 Issue) includes Jennifer Dziura's story, "Flawless." Jennifer wrote the story in Susan Breen's Advanced Fiction class.
Unrelatedly, I have upgraded browsers, and tabbed browsing has revolutionized my life. Primarily by making it very easy to begin this post, leave it in an open tab, and not finish it for several hours, causing it to become structurally malformed and apropos to nothing.

This blog suffers from an overuse of the word "apropos."

Today I was very amused by this picture of a romance novelist in Perth with a ninety-pound wombat in her lap. (Update: Original page seems to have disappeared from the interweb).

I took pictures of her taking pictures of things

I have shirked my blogging duties because my mother has been visiting. She has discovered she enjoys both falafel and the World Famous *BOB*.

The photo at right is Mom at the Guggenheim. The green rectangular stickers all over the railings are part of the Daniel Buren exhibit. If you go there, you can read a whole bunch of artspeak about why the guy has a thing for stripes.

And now, an open confession to my mother:

Those "hash browns" were really tater tots. They had been in my freezer for a long time, and I dug them out because you like potatoes, but then I didn't cook them right, so I mashed them up and cooked them again and falsely implied they'd been hash browns all along.

Mea culpa!

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Friday, May 27, 2005

she also went on a steak diet she found in a Polish newspaper

This morning I caught up with the NYTimes series on class in America, and I was quite charmed by the Polish maid who'd had a heart attack. She was shocked to learn that part of her heart muscle was dead; after leaving the doctor's office, she lit up another cigaratte and commented, metaphorically, "You know, you have hand? Now I have no finger."

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once you go African-American ... shit, nothing rhymes with that

Yesterday I had a run-in on the 4 train with that guy who does impressions of subway noises ("Boooop. Please stand clear of the closing doors."), and then does a little shtick and sings this song (you know the tune):

You just call on your brother
When you need a hand
We all need some money
To shop at Pathmark

As part of his little comedy routine, he directed the car's attention to me, commented that he liked white girls, and gave several variations on the theme of "once you go black, you never go back." He asked if I'd ever had a black man, and then turned to me conspiratorially and whispered "Don't answer! It's part of my act!"

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

the Thursday blog post

Save the date -- on Saturday night, June 11, I'll be doing a reading from my CD at the Jigsaw Gallery, at an event called the JIGSAWLON.

My day has been occupied with obtaining comedy footage and transferring it to various other formats and preparing to send it to people in their desired formats, all so the world can realize how much it likes me. Um.

p.s. - I fixed the link from yesterday, if you were having trouble with it.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

new comedy from my technological rube goldberg machine

Today, I have a new comedy clip for my loyal blog readers.

I have gone to great effort to prepare this clip for you. First, I farmed the corn and wheat myself, and then I harvested it, dragging behind me the iron plow that has been in my family since the czars.

Okay, no. But I wrote the jokes, performed the jokes, recorded it all on my digital voice recorder which I bought refurbished from an Amazon seller, determined that I was unable to get the files from the recorder to my Mac, visited the Internet Garage in Williamsburg, spent $6 in internet time installing software on a PC and importing files and FTPing them, then I went home, downloaded the files, used iMovie to crop a little bit for you, exported it to .aiff, used iTunes to convert it to MP3, and then uploaded it to MySpace. Also, I had to walk to school uphill both ways.

Without any further ado...
Navy Brats and Geeky Girls
p.s. - Happy Birthday to my dad!

bookers from Comedy Central wouldn't have attended if they were guaranteed blowjobs under the table

A belated thank you to Monica, Megan, and Tom for attending my show in the West Village last Friday.

Note to comedy clubs: if you're going to call it an "industry showcase", at least do me the courtesy of taking my headshot and throwing it away like everyone else. Eh, there were some funny guys there, though.

turn the piglets up to 11!

As of yesterday, Google was running ads for pig semen on one of the pages of my blog -- a page about a comedy show, containing pictures of a comedy show, and containing absolutely no references to swine, farming, pork, etc. (not to mention semen).

Here is the page (which is now running generic ads -- the ads change all the time based on what advertisers are paying), and here are the ads, which I screenshotted and then condensed to fit on the blog:


p.s. - It sounds very wrong to sell semen from something with the mental capacity of a three-year old.

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

look mom, i'm on TV!

Last night, a dating themed serial documentary that will air on VH-1 in the fall came to shoot at the spelling bee. There were cameras everywhere, and lots of single smart people. The working title of the show is "Crushed Out," but obviously I'll post about it again before the show airs.

It is completely insane how many people and hours and how much equipment is takes to produce 22 minutes of television programming.

Incidentally, I believe I have previously appeared on VH-1 as a still photo or silhouette used in an animated intro to "40 Most Shocking Hairdos," although I never saw it, and I'd probably be unrecognizable.

The show had a really hot gaffer. Or, gaffer/cowboy. He must have been from Texas or something. I'm kind of crushed out. Me, you, video camera, beer and panini sandwiches ... gaffer tape?

"Brooklyn's reigning alpha speller"

There's an article about the spelling bee in the current issue of Block Magazine.

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Monday, May 23, 2005

orthographically adept single men needed!

Tonight is Singles Night at the spelling bee at Pete's Candy Store at 7pm! Smart single people (and especially more men) are encouraged to come spell!

Trust me.

oh, I am too versatile for words

On an unrelated note, I have had an article published in Jungle MBA magazine and am trying to wrangle up a copy of the April issue.

Update - The very nice editor wrote me back and is sending me a copy. Yay!

comedy + Schaffer + your mom

You can welcome me to the ranks of professional comics after my show yesterday at the Back Fence, for which I received a princely beer money reward. I did the longest set of my career, but I knew I'd have no trouble filling up 20 minutes. I have never been accused of underloquaciousness.

Schaffer the Dark Lord was in attendance, and he seemed to like my bit about growing up as the geeky Star Trek girl, although he, of course, was all about Star Wars at the time. I also learned from Schaffer's blog today that The Dark Show (first Wednesday of the month in June/July/Sept, 9pm, Apocalypse Lounge, free/2 drink min.) is coming to an end as Schaffer concentrates more on his sworn duty to become famous as quickly and furiously as possible.

This saddens me, but just as the Dark Show must end, so too must the People's Democratic Republic of Your Mom begin to conquer all things. Come see me do comedy unleashed and unhampered, plus performances from debonair magician Eric Walton, comic ventriloquist Carla Rhodes (photo at right), and musical special guest Teen Tawny.


The People's Democratic Republic of Your Mom
Pete's Candy Store
Wednesday, June 8
10pm
Win prizes in trivia and literary challenges!
Free/2 drink minimum


Go put it on a note on your fridge! Now!

Sunday, May 22, 2005

how to get a D-A-T-E

Tomorrow night's spelling bee has a "Singles Night" theme. Anyone can compete, of course, but single spellers are encouraged to attend. Pete's Candy Store, 7pm.

Home improvement realization of the day: anchors work just as well or better when filled with a squishy substance, such as paint.

I did a BOSU class at the gym yesterday, which was quite difficult (unlike, say, the Pilates mat class I did, which was so lame it ended up in my comedy routine). A BOSU is this thing that looks like half of an inflated exercise ball, mounted to a round, hard base, and you do things like stand on the dome and lift weights, or balance your butt on the dome and work your abs by lifting your legs while balancing. You can also turn the BOSU upside down and do exercises on the flat part, which then wobbles because it's resting on the dome. All fine and good; it's just slightly annoying that "BOSU," despite sounding kind of cool and Japanese, is an acronym for ... BOth Sides Up.

Sigh.

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Thursday, May 19, 2005

just in case you're in Vegas and need discounted boobs

From the casting calls on OneModelPlace.com:
We are seeking models for a high roller golf tournament. Each selected model for the tournament will receive $2500 towards a Breast Augmentation. Just for registering each model will receive a free face peel, and $1250 towards a Breast Augmentation. Please come to Green Valley Ranch this Sunday from 2pm-6pm to register.
Free face peel? What if I offered you a free whack in the head? Would you take that just because it's free? What if I offered you half off a fork in the eye?

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totally gratuitous cute cat picture post

My cat enjoys drinking out of my water glass.

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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

so, no, i didn't win

Last night I participated in a comedy contest dominated by large men telling rape jokes. The competition was also four hours long, and in a basement. Ha ha. Oh, I just can't stop the laughing.

I feel like I need two weeks of Lilith Fair just to recuperate.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

the gout

I saw a cafe in Brooklyn called "Le Petit Gout." I looked up the word "gout" when I got home, and it means "taste," which makes sense, but still -- the gout? Gross. If people's first reaction when they see your cafe is to think of a hideous swelling ailment, that might cut into your scone sales.

Le Petit Gout is certainly better then Le Grand Gout, but really, any gout is just too much gout. Ask a nursing home resident.

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my, but I have funny expressions

From my show at Caroline's this past Saturday. Photos by Gary Winter, the man who never leaves his house without a camera.





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appearing this Friday at the Comedy Cellar

Hot off her performance at Caroline's on Broadway, Jennifer Dziura takes the stage just six days later at The Comedy Cellar. This young comic is on a meteoric rise to-- wait, why am I writing in the third person? Yeah, I'm on a meteoric rise to your mom.

------
Jennifer Dziura at The Comedy Cellar
117 MacDougal Street
Friday May 20th, 2005
Arrive at 6:45pm, show starts at 7 sharp
$5 cover + 2 drink minimum
For reservations, call 646-296-9576
------

Come see the funny.

Monday, May 16, 2005

a Fu Manchu mustache looks even funnier on a man who is hanging upside down

Last night, I was the "femme fatale" assistant to trapeze artist Mr. Fantastic in a show at the Zipper Theater.



look, if you put a blank box, I am GOING to fill it in

I just registered for my college reunion as:

Jennifer L. Skywalker (maiden name: Dziura)

jenisforbidden.com

I have been informed (by two different parties) that my website is censored by the Fresno County School System, and by the United Arab Emirates.

In Dubai, I am porn.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

funny to femme fatale

The show at Caroline's last night went fantastically. Thanks to everyone who came out (including but not limited to Reen, Mark, Gary, Thad, Richard, Will, Arthur, KB, Dan, Cara, Burke and Tom). I'm sorry if you were there and I didn't see you!

I rather spontaneously got a gig for tonight as a trapeze artist's assistant! Details are pending.

Friday, May 13, 2005

and don't forget to download my podcast about your mom

My kitchen faucet just shot straight off the sink while I was washing dishes, and I had a jet of water shooting up to the bottom of the cabinets above the sink.

Don't you just love this up-to-the-minute blogging? A webcam is surely not far behind!

Imagine if I blogged on cam, wearing a t-shirt that pictured me blogging, on cam. The possibilities for recursion are (by definition) endless.

class in America? whatever are you talking about?

I rather enjoy the New York Observer. If you're going to be economically elitist (see previous comments re: the Times), at least offer up a collegiate-level writing style to match. An article in the Observer offers some highly thoughtful commentary on a topic that rarely begets much rigor of thought: Angelina Jolie's androgynous, man-eating appeal:
Despite her turn as gun-wielding British genius wonder woman Lara Croft...Ms. Jolie doesn’t exactly get the feminist stamp of approval. She isn’t uplifting in a Gloria Steinem sort of way.

But in an Ayn Rand kind of way, although better-willed, she constitutes complete freedom, both kindly and voracious. She’s a little libertarian and an altruist sex bomb, a man-eater and a boy-raiser. No one thinks Ms. Jolie would have their back. She’s a lone vessel.
Semi-related note: an article in the Times recently referred to Mayor Bloomberg's 22 year old daughter Georgina as "a competitive horse jumper." Oh, how the freakishly wealthy live. Competitive horse jumping is not a job, and twenty-two is really about time to have a job.

At least she's not appearing in "House of Wax."

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the burlesque newswire

After the spelling bee this past Monday, I went to see Veronica Varlow's debut burlesque performance at Galapagos. It was a tremendously clever striptease in which Veronica came on stage in a dress and crinoline, holding a bouquet of flowers, and attempted to climb over and through a barbed wire fence, progressively catching more and more of her clothing on the barbed wire and having to remove it to free herself.

I recognized the dress itself (not that it was on for long) from DangerDame, Veronica's online clothing boutique. Go buy a dress! Or, even better, go buy a dress and send it to me! My birthday is, um, not coming up anytime soon at all.

they make "whitening" everything these days -- toothpaste, mints. you know what i want to see? whitening Schnapps.

I bought a digital voice recorder so I can record myself doing comedy, mostly for my own practice purposes. If the sound quality is good enough and I can borrow someone's PC, I might be able to make MP3s from it. I did a little open mic thing last night after Green Key, and then listened to myself on the walk back to the subway, which was kind of cool. It looked like I was talking on a cellphone, but I was really listening quizzically to my own jokes.

On another note, I changed the top bar on this website (adding the comedy photo now appearing in the upper-left corner of the page), and added a page about the spelling bee.

it's easy to slip roofies into sangria, what with all the fruit and ice

Last night I went to an event for young Dartmouth alumni in a bar in Tribeca. Every spring, Dartmouth has an event called Green Key, which is basically an excuse to drink all weekend, as the actual meaning of "Green Key" seems to have been lost to the ages. The party took place in a dark basement, with pitchers of free alcohol strewn about, cleverly replicating the conditions of an SAE fraternity basement circa 1999, but with less date rape.

I ended up hanging out with two people standing near the bathrooms, one of whom remarked that she was the oldest person there (a '92), and the other whom observed that he was the only black person anywhere. He's an '01 who reads scripts for P. Diddy, which sounded kind of glamorous, more so than the various types of banking in which everyone else seemed to be involved. (Doesn't it seem rather uncreatively obvious that the jobs that pay best in our culture are the ones where you move money around? It's like some Chinese aphrodisiac potion -- eat bull penis, get virile. Touch money, make money).

I walked back to the train with the '92, who had recently moved to the East Village from East Timor. (Parallelism makes things sound so clever! It sounds like I made that up).

I picked up a free magnet kit -- a big magnet of Eleazar Wheelock, the founder of Dartmouth, and a bunch of little magnets of hats and shoes and accessories that you can stick on him. The cowboy said it was the most asinine thing he'd ever seen. I'll bet he's jealous that Brown doesn't give him free magnets of, um ... James Brown. John Brown? I have no idea who founded Brown.

oh woe is me, every day I lament that I am too old to wear the marykateandashley line

Also from the news -- "Target Corp. posted a larger first-quarter profit gain than rival Wal-Mart Stores Inc., which missed analysts' estimates as unfashionable apparel and high gasoline prices hurt sales."

I love when stock analysts are forced to discuss the relative dismerits of the acid-wash and Lycra wasteland that is Wal-Mart fashion.

I once saw a fashion spread (I think in Sassy, bless its soul) wherein they took a supermodel to KMart and made her find an outfit she would actually wear. The model said she'd only ever been in a KMart once, to buy an umbrella. She ended up picking out a tiny t-shirt from the boys department and stretching the hell out of it.

anyone want a microPod? didn't think so.

According to today's news, Bill Gates has predicted that the iPod won't last.

That's nice. Have you seen Microsoft's latest ads? Each pictures an office worker with his head replaced by a dinosaur head. Below each figure is some text to the effect of "don't be a dinosaur, upgrade to the latest Microsoft Office."

Doesn't that sound like some kind of poster campaign for third grade class president? Wait, except that third graders think dinosaurs are cool, and some of them probably know better than to insult their customers in their ad campaigns.

Hey look, iPod ads are sexy. iPods themselves are sexy. Microsoft Office ads look like something from "The Office." If David Brent ran an advertising firm, you'd get "don't be a dinosaur!"

Update: Click here for an online version of this ad -- a long, dorky Flash intro followed by circa 1997 web design and officeworkers with dinosaur heads. Oh, the humanity.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I wonder if discalceation was as big a deal as transubstantiation

At Monday's spelling bee, Miss Megan got the word "discalced," defined by Scripps Howard as "not wearing shoes." This is one of those great words that seems a bit superfluous -- was something wrong with "barefoot"? However, dictionary.com has some additional things to say:
dis·calced
Barefoot or wearing sandals. Used of certain religious orders.

[From Latin discalcetus : dis-, dis- + calcetus, shod (from calceus, shoe, from calx, calc-, heel).]
They also tell us that "calced" is, in fact, an antonym:
\Calced\, a. [See Calceated.] Wearing shoes; calceated; -- in distintion from discalced or barefooted; as the calced Carmelites.

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this Saturday, I'm doing comedy at Caroline's - please come!

Dear smart, charming, and outrageously attractive friends,

I have my first comedy show at Caroline's on Broadway this Saturday! Bookers from Comedy Central are often at Caroline's, and the possibility of getting on Comedy Central would make me wet myself. But they don't let me on stage unless I bring in a plethora of people, so ... please consider coming?

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Saturday night, May 14th
Caroline's Comedy club
1626 Broadway @ 50th Street
5:30pm show (arrive at 5:00pm for seating)
$10 cover with reservation
Plus a 2 drink minimum
Caroline's also serves food!
Reservations a must at 212-757-4100

When making reservations please say:
1-the date of the show (May 14th)
2-The 5:30 Tracy Esposito show
3-That you are reserving for JENNIFER DZIURA
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Importantly, if you do not make reservations, you'll be charged $15 instead of $10, which is sub-optimal! You MUST make a reservation to get the $10 cover (and for me to have a career in comedy ... pretty please?)

If you will come, would you please let ME know in addition to making your reservation? Thank you!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

thank you for buying my MP3s!

I received a direct deposit of $5.50 in iTunes royalties! And another six or seven bucks from CD sales on CDBaby.

If you like both me and comic books, you could go to the Jigsaw Gallery and buy my CD in person and also all kinds of clever little indie graphic story cleverness books.

Lenny Bruce on his divorce

"How can I ever get married again? I'd have to say the same things to another woman that I had said to Honey. And I couldn't say the same things to another woman because somehow that would be corrupt to me.... Honey used to look so good standing up against the sink. I don't want a sharp chick who quotes Kerouac; I just want to hear my old lady say 'Get up and fix the toilet, it's still making noise.'"

I will drink whisky until my heart explodes (or my wife comes back)

I've been reading Raymond Carver's "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love." And, of course, Carver is supposed to be the greatest short story writer of our time, give or take a nickel, and every one of his stories is individually masterful, but after awhile, you get the idea that you're reading the same story over and over. And that story goes something like this:
I am a manly man, grr! But I have feelings I cannot express. Grr! Grr? Watch me do something weird to try to express what I cannot say: I am throwing rocks at the moon, screwing a diner waitress and leaving in the middle of the night, trashing my ex-wife's new boyfriend's car. Wait, that didn't really work. Grrrr! My frustration is deeply significant. The end.

new spelling bee poster -- please publicize and redistribute

You can get official spelling bee news (and Jen's-variety-show news) at the Pete's Candy Store website. But here are all the season dates on our new poster!

still not talking about my mother, though

The cowboy survived his first appearance in my comedy routine. A now-married ex-boyfriend from a decade ago, however, told me he just wouldn't date a stand-up comedian. It hadn't really occurred to me that I was -- to mix metaphors -- lowering my stock in the meat market. But I suppose it's true -- if you're dating a comedian, you can't have a hysterectomy or suffer from erectile dysfunction with any guarantee of privacy. (Well, at least if you're dating a comedian who's kind of a jackass).

chicks and giggles

Last night I did the Chicks and Giggles comedy show at Raga. It was a very small crowd (female comedians in the basement of a fancied-up Indian restaurant -- who knew?), but it went well.

Host Carolyn Castiglia (front, below) wrote in her roundup of the show "Jen: Pilates for pretty people - love it! So true. Kids smoking cigarettes because ads say not to - hot gay crystal meth sex - whew! You make me wish I read the paper!"

Carolyn herself was rife with funny, and it turns out she and I are neighbors here in SpaHa. I was also extremely taken with Rachael Parenta's bit about how fucked up the seventies were (she's 27) -- passing out in the middle of the day, taking your drugs in the ear, thinking your food was flying in on an airplane....

Okay, so here's the picture. Chicks and giggles. Yep.

Sunday, May 8, 2005

here are some things in which readers of my blog might be interested

The spelling bee is tomorrow at Pete's Candy Store, 7pm.

I am addicted to eye cream in little pots, regardless of its efficacy. I just like things in little pots. Jo Malone makes Green Tea & Honey eye cream.

I ran a mile today in 9:27. For me, this is fantastic.

I would marry Kristin Davis. I'm so glad she didn't Botox herself into oblivion. Can I start a fetish group for people with little crinkly lines around their eyes who look totally hot?

I took the SAT on Saturday, as part of my whole test prep instructor thing. If a cube is inside a sphere, touching each of the inner walls of the sphere, and the radius of the sphere is 3, what is the surface area of the cube? (High school students rejoice; nothing was really any harder than that. Although you might want to know the difference between "acclimation" and "acclamation").

the Guinness Book people got back to me

The official world record I am attempting to break:

"Tim Vine (UK) told 499 jokes in one hour in front of a live paying audience at the Soho Theatre, London, UK on 7 October 2004."

The official rules for the record attempt are:

1. A paying audience should be in attendance.
2. Any attempt made on either record must be made by professionals.
3. For the duo marathon record, both performers must perform together and take their rest breaks simultaneously. It is not permitted to work a shift system.
4. All jokes should have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
5. The record is for joke telling NOT joke reading and at no time must any material be read from books, scripts, etc.
6. A maximum of 20 cue cards, just containing individual words, may be used, and these are to be checked by the independent witnesses to ensure that they carry nothing more than individual words or small groups of words.
7. Jokes which do not draw any laughter or favourable reaction from the audience should not be counted.
8. A log, maintained by independent witnesses, should be kept with the number of jokes told at five minute intervals.

So, if no one laughs, it wasn't simply an unfunny joke -- it wasn't a joke at all. That's very if-a-tree-falls-in-the-forest....

In any case, it'll take me awhile to pull together 500+ funny but extremely concise jokes.

You just sit tight.

red globe! red globe, you seedless freaks!

Why would anyone genetically engineer the seeds out of grapes?! Most foods need more crunch, not less.

Genetic engineers are nerds. And nerds get their pants pulled down and are spanked with moonrocks.

You guys are losing out on antioxidants.

we are the mooninites

I tried to put in a warranty claim for the headphones that came with my iPod Shuffle, and the computer told me that my warranty was up. However, it's a one-year warranty, and the Shuffle, as a product category, is less than a year old. Therefore, ALL Shuffles are under warranty. Those nerds. Nerds get their pants pulled down and get spanked with moonrocks.

Also, today I went to the Apple store to get the sport armband for my Shuffle, and the Genius Bar boys weren't as cute.

my cholesterol is SO HIGH!

Freshdirect gave me a $1.59 credit for the dozen eggs I received that had two yolks each. I didn't ask for a credit; I was rather hoping they'd contact the farmer and relay me a scientific explanation of why hens would all start laying two-yolked eggs.

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I took TWO multivitamins! Take THAT!

Yesterday I ate a solid half-pound of alfalfa sprouts with salad dressing, feeling like a rebel for eating a salad without lettuce, which I've never really liked.

It seemed subversive until I realized that eating alfalfa sprouts is never subversive.

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Happy Mother's Day

I just got off the phone with my mother, who made me promise not to blog about our conversation.

I am also under orders not to talk about her in my standup routine.

I am such an obedient daughter.

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

tonight, i'm fictional! come on over!

I think I'm reading in the second half. If you get there at 6, you can do the open mic thing :)

Cornelia Street Cafe
29 Cornelia Street, West Village
New York City

Monthly Flash Fiction, Prose Poetry
& Experimental Short Forms Series

Carol Novack, Host

Wednesday, May 4, 2005, 6-8pm

GRANT JARRETT, author of the popular book "More Towels," a memoir recounting Grantís 20 licentious years as a mediocre musician & reasonably talented letch.
&
JENNIFER DZIURA, writer, stand-up comedian, spelling bee emcee & creator of a spoken word CD.

Featured writers will read their works after an Open Mic Reading, 6-6:45 p.m. (sign up before 6). The $6 admission fee includes a free house drink.

my omelets have extra cholesterol, and are very yolky

My last FreshDirect order included a carton of eggs in which each egg (so far, and I've eaten most of them) has had two yolks!

I went to FreshDirect customer service and sent a message asking "What the hell is up with these chickens???"

Maybe I'll get a $1.59 credit.

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I love the way your iPod Shuffle rests on your bare chest

The Apple repair center sent back my computer with a new logic board and a new keyboard (when the computer came back from the previous logic board repair, the return and dash keys had mysteriously stopped working, and cutting and pasting carriage returns into the text tool in Photoshop is clever only the first time you try it), which is especially nice because a white keyboard tends to look pretty icky after two years, and, being girly, I strongly prefer a clean and pretty computer to a dingy, linty one.

I remember when I bought a digital camera at J&R. I told the guy behind the counter that I wanted something basic, and he showed me a bunch of big, bulky things, and finally, I just said, "Look, I am girly. I am not even listening to the features that these big ugly cameras have, because I will only buy something that is small and sleek and sexy." He sent me to where they keep the webcams (since some simple digital cameras double as webcams), where I bought a sleek, sexy little digital camera that I will actually carry in my sleek, sexy little purse.

Anyway, the iBook is back. If only it could've been delivered by the Genius Bar boys! Singing Genius Bar boys. In boxer briefs. Apple boxer briefs.

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make plans to attend my new variety show on Wednesday, June 8 at Pete's

The People's Democratic Republic of Your Mom

An audience-participation variety show of comedy, sensationalism, literature, and geekery. Sideshow freaks welcome! Comedy, spoken word, musical comedy, ventriloquism, and magic acts are interspersed with literary quizzes, trivia contests, and mental challenges, allowing audience members ample opportunity to compete for prizes. Can you spell backwards? In Pig Latin? Do you like burlesque conjoined twin heavy metal invisible musical card tricks? Come to The People's Democratic Republic of Your Mom. Hosted by Jennifer Dziura, co-emcee of the spelling bee at Pete's Candy Store.

Wednesday, June 8
(and every second Wednesday of the month thereafter)
10pm
no cover - 2 drink minimum
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg (L train to Lorimer)

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

fashion show today, flash fiction reading tomorrow

I ran a mile in 9:51, my fastest time ever!

Tonight, I am in a fashion show, open to all, 9pm at "17", on W. 17th St. I don't know much about the designers. There may be some bodypainted women in addition to models modeling clothes and handbags. (I suppose one could both be bodypainted and model a handbag, really, although that would be peculiar).

Time to dye my hair black again. If I wanted to be blonde (nicely blonde, not early Madonna or Debbie Harry blonde), it would cost a couple hundred bucks and then maybe $40-50 every 3-4 weeks. However, I can go black for $3, anytime I want. It's far cheaper to go goth than stripper.

they're even wearing matching black t-shirts

This weekend, I took my iBook into the Apple store and discovered that the Genius Bar is populated by some really hot boys. I think that Apple tech support workers are to women what hot flight attendants are to men.

Maybe the boys could dance on the Genius Bar. Or maybe the Genius Bar could just start serving drinks.

Monday, May 2, 2005

"hell is other people" said sartre

I grow weary of public transit. Yesterday I traversed the city from Harlem to Soho to Ft. Greene to Soho to Kips Bay to Harlem to Williamsburg to Ft. Greene, via the 6, R, Q, Q, R, 6, 6, and L trains (and finally a cab). Notable MTA occurences included:
  • I transferred from the R to the Q at Canal, which requires a labrynthine walk; when I got to the Q, the doors had just closed. I had my iPod headphones in -- you know how, when you're listening to party music, you tend to walk forcefully and gesticulate in an exaggerated manner, as though you were at a rave and enjoying your club drugs? Well, I got to the Q, made a very angry expression, stomped, and stuck out my tongue at the train. And ... the doors opened. I was the only person on the platform; I think the conductor actually gave in to a grown woman throwing a tantrum.

  • On the 6, this couple boarded pushing a wheelchair holding their retarded son; the wheelchair was enormous and took up the entire width of the car from the door to the bench opposite (where I happened to be sitting). So this kid and I kinda stared at each other while he rolled his tongue around and waved his arms (I can hardly complain after my Q train tantrum). The boy's father, however, became completely incensed when the Asian man selling batteries stepped over the son's legs in order to pass through the train. So, all at once, the father began complaining in Spanish to his wife, the battery man yelled "battery one dollar!" over and over, the kid continued to waggle and loll, and I became one with my iPod.

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