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January 24, 2006

porn with mustaches: my practical joke from 2004

In 2004, I had a profile on a modeling website, and I would sometimes receive offers to do porn. One time, I decided to write back. I was able to do so anonymously because it was clear that I had received a mass email, so if I wrote back from a different address, the porn producer would assume that my false identity had been on the list.

The original email:
I am a producer for anew and innovative adult film company. I am looking for fresh new faces, some that dont look like they have been around the block. i need girls ages 18-30 for adult film modeling. how far you go is all up to you. Average pay is $1000-$2000per film which would include at least 2 scenes. In your response I would prefer a full body picture, but headshots are acceptable. If you do only send a headshot please describe body style. also, please let me know if you have any preferences such as only girl/girl, boy/girl, oral. let me know if you have any specialties as well. Females only! Also looking for fluffers. This is an easy way to make money ladies! i would pay for any expenses incurred while in LA.
I wrote back and decided to play naive. Also, since I was asked for "preferences," I figured I'd come up with something:
Thank you for the email. I am interested in the adult film industry. I do have some preferences. Actually, it's kind of weird. I can only have sex if the guy has a mustache. I don't trust men who don't have mustaches. Can you work with that?

My favorite specialty is this thing I learned in India that the girls do with their elbows while they are turned around from behind. You have to see it to believe it! I recommend that everyone go to India.

I have not seen many adult films. Can you recommend some titles so I can see what kind of work you do?

What is a fluffer?
The reply:
that sounds kind of kinky! please provide a picture of yourself, preferably a full body shot. also, where are you located? is there anything you would not be willing to try, besides a guy without a mustache?
Somewhere in here, there was also an email about whether I could provide female friends to act as fluffers. Also at this point, I figured I'd better come up with a picture, so I sent him the only naked-lady photo on my desktop -- one of a girl who had hit on me on Nerve, wanting to arrange something with herself, her boyfriend, and me (never happened). But since she was freely sending her naked pictures to total strangers, I didn't feel too bad forwarding this one. I did feel I had to explain her grooming preferences:
Hi, here is a picture I took of myself in the mirror. Do I need to shave my pubic hair? My boyfriend is French. He likes it all bushy. You know how the French are.

Um, I'm sure there's stuff I wouldn't be willing to try, like animals or something. I'm not sure, what kind of things are you thinking of? Also, can you recommend some movies that show what kind of stuff you make?

About the fluffers -- if the girls are off-camera, why do they have to be good looking? I have a couple of friends who might do it but one is fat and the other one isn't very attractive. She has nice tits but they're fake.
Although the photo was believably candid, the porn producer wanted further proof.
hey what is your name? is that really you in that picture? you have an innocent look to you which is perfect for what i'm looking for. what i'm thinking about is having innocent looking young girls and older men. i'm talking about men in their 40's. so its nothing that extreme like animals or anything. when i asked what you wouldnt be wiling to do i meant like oral sex or something. and just to make sure thats really you in that pic send me a couple of pics in which you're wearing clothes holding a sign that says hi.
Since I couldn't comply with this request, I never wrote back. (Also, I never succeeded in getting him to send me a list of porn film titles that he recommended as "research"). That was in 2004. Today, I receive this:
hey i just saw that i still had this email... would you still be interested?
My reply:
Hey, thanks for the email. Actually, I am working with an adult film company now. They make retro-seventies type films, all wood-paneling, men with hairy chests -- and mustaches! I'm actually shooting tomorrow for 'Mustache Rider XIII - The Handlebar Incident.'"


Photos are of Ryan Scott, who won a mustache contest.

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Related site: The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog

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1 Comments:

Blogger H Fink said...

Hey! That's not nice praying on us friendly folks in the porn world- though I can't say much for the straights that do it. Especially with his charming description of young girls and 40 year olds.

6:52 PM  

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