Back to Home Listen on MySpace Hire Jen Press Store Letters Vaudeville Spelling Comedy Writing Photos About Blog




Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Saturday, February 11th: Molly Crabapple's Tarts and Flowers Show


click for official web invite

Not only will I be at Miss Molly Crabapple's art show on February 11th, I will be there in an official capacity, as a "cigarette girl" selling merchandise. Here is what happened last time Molly had an art show and demanded that I serve as merch girl:


Molly, me, go-go dancer Lady J



Why is Molly grabbing my chest? We don't even remember.

Go to MollyCrabapple.com

dominatrix cleared of murder; ex-boyfriend forced to decline flogging

From CNN.com, link via Gawker:
During his closing argument to the jury, prosecutor Robert Nelson put on a black leather mask with a zippered mouth opening and re-enacted the bondage session.

With both hands, he reached back and clutched the top of a blackboard as if strapped to the rack. Then he hung his head as if dead.

Asher's lawyer objected, and the judge agreed.

"That's enough Mr. Nelson," Judge Charles Grabau said. "Thank you for your demonstration."
Who knew? Jurisprudence is kinky.

Somewhat relatedly, about eight months ago, my then-boyfriend went over to a friend's apartment to fix her electrical wiring. She was stuck in the dark, broke, and had some kind of situation in which getting help from the landlord or super was not an option. I was certainly not opposed to the boyfriend helping out -- the problem was that the friend, though broke, was a professional dominatrix, and offered him a flogging as barter for the repairs.

Now, the demands of monogamy aside, I find it interesting, economically speaking, that a flogging can have such a high cash value, yet be so far from a universal currency; it is not a miscible good. For instance, if you ran a home pie-baking or jewelry-making or French-language-lesson business, and you needed a cat-sitter, I'd say you'd run a pretty good chance of finding a cat-sitter willing to trade for pies or jewelry or French lessons. But if what you have to offer is a (fully professional) half-hour of electro-torture or ball-kicking -- although the cash value of those services is higher than that of the pies, jewelry or French lessons -- I'm not sure your search for a cat-sitter would go as well for you (or for the cat).

Update: In the comments, "B" left the following remark regarding CNN's headline "Dominatrix beats manslaughter rap":
Just add a comma, and it becomes a title for one of the best Hardcore Rap/S&M Club crossover albums, Dominatrix Beats, Manslaughter Rap.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Wonder Woman blogathon

I invite you to read and enjoy Syd Bernstein's My Doctoral Fucking Thesis on Wonder Girl on the Wonder Woman Blog, which, in the true spirit of the Wonder Woman blog, he has illustrated in part with (no frontal nudity but one naked Wonder-ass) photos of porn star Nikki Nova as Wonder Woman.

we suffer for fashion

I am modeling in a Baroness latex-couture fashion show this weekend. The Baroness's assistant was emailing me about a fitting, and then checked my blog and wrote:
PS just looked at your blog, sorry about your accident - but fear not, you will barely even stand out if you are covered in bruises at my party! You can just pretend they are from a significant sadist in your life!
Wow.

breaking super-important news

hark, the herald angels are heralding way too early

Sickening! From my home state of Virginia, a new radio station: NickFM, all Christmas music, all the time. Only 328 days til Christmas!

Related posts:
the redneck riviera
and I owe this moment of fame to ... the gout

TONIGHT: historic post-collision free comedy show

Not that I didn't still just get hit by a goddamn cab, but ... the show must go on? Please come commiserate and be entertained tomorrow (tonight) at Pete's Candy Store. Will someone please call me a "trooper"? Mom? Seriously, come to my free comedy show and see some comedy by funny people who did not get hit by cabs.
Monday, January 30th
The After-School Comedy Special

Pete's Candy Store
(L train to Lorimer -- see map)
7:30-9pm
Free

Featuring Baron Vaughn, Carolyn Castiglia, Liz Miele, Andrew Wright, and Shawn Hollenbach.

The After-School Comedy Special mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including free candy, and Mad Libs!

midnight

The ambulance came and my apartment was full of paramedics; they said that I could go to the hospital, but I'd probably just be made to wait for hours in the waiting room, given painkillers and sent home. Still here; knee still hurts. For those longtime readers of the blog -- when my ex-cowboy was hit by a cab, he of course was taken to the hospital and I sped right there. But he had a broken collarbone, and I merely have a banged-up knee, a bent laptop, and a propensity for calling numbers in my cell phone and asking "What? What now?"

Practically speaking, tomorrow I go to the police station to file a civilian accident report.

The cops came to my place and waited until the ambulance arrived; while one cop went down to direct the paramedics upstairs, the other observed me, sitting on my couch, weeping for no real reason other than a sharp glimpse of death -- death-perhaps-now is a hard reminder of death-certainly-later -- and he asked, ever so helpfully, "Are you married?"

The cab driver who seemed nice when I was stunned and injured now seems incredibly manipulative, probably deceitful. I stood on one leg under a tiny awning, huddling against the rain, as the cab driver offered to give me "a little something" not to file a report, and I declined, asking repeatedly towards the street, towards no one, to authority figures not present: what now, what do I do? People freshly whacked by cars are notoriously easy to manipulate. The cops said I should have stayed on the scene and called 911 -- in the rain, in the cold. Instead, I got into the warm cab, and listened for ten minutes as the cab driver told me he could see I was a good woman because I didn't "pretend to fall down," as so many people do, these people who deliberately jump in front of cabs. I had just left a tutoring job on Central Park West, prim in my Audrey-Hepburn-as-schoolteacher dress; is this a profile of a cab-jumper? A bump is now rising on my hand, from where I tried, Superman-style, to stop the car. When I got home, I saw what the cab had done to my stockings.

What are the standards for live-blogging your own auto accident? I want a Strunk & White, a stylebook of catastrophe.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

9:55pm

Cops are here. Waiting for ambulance. Who blogs like this? But what else to do? Cops say I shouldn't have left the scene ... but it was raining ... and there was a car to take me home, and it hurt to stand, and there was nowhere else to go but into the cab, and back to Harlem.

Central Park West on the crosswalk in the dark in the rain

I just got hit by a cab. Hit by a cab. And what am I doing? Blogging about it. Blogging while waiting for the cops. I am blogging ... about being hit by a cab. I get hit by a cab ... and I tell you. On the blog. My computer went flying. It works right now but it doesn't sit flat anymore. My knee hurts. I just noticed I have car grease on my hand. My knee has a brand-new lump on it. The cab driver was seemingly nice and drove me home -- and then he offered me money, which of course I didn't take (who sinks to that?) What the hell does a person do?

Saturday, January 28, 2006

I've finally got web video!

The Shout-Out, my email newsletter, goes out once or twice a month, containing jokes, audio downloads, show announcements, and various exclusive goodies. And now I've finally bitchslapped web video technology into submission.

To see my new comedy video first (and to be my BFF), sign up here:


Join the jen is famous dot com mailing list for your city! Subscribers get access to secret comedy clips and posts.
Email:

the Moshulu Parkway report

7:45 a.m. on a Saturday, on my way to work. A cup of coffee, Jeff Buckley on my iPod, and the momentary surprise of light when the train pulls above-ground in the Bronx: these are enough to make me happy.

I am wearing an enormous scarf, a foot wide and, when draped around my neck, down to my knees on both ends. I crocheted this scarf during the gelid, bitter winter of my freshman year of college. I had come from Virginia Beach to New Hampshire, and I was Not Prepared. My dorm room had its own thermostat, but the heat in the building was capped off at 65 degrees, which is a fine temperature if it is also 65 degrees outside, but not such a fine temperature if it is five degrees outside with a wind-chill of rip-your-face-off, and you've come inside to try to warm up and also, lest we forget, you are from Virginia Beach, where "layering" means that you wear the same surfer-girl mini-dress you would have worn mid-summer, but with a puffy winter coat over it. Before Dartmouth, I was unfamiliar with the idea that a sweater might be worn over a shirt, rather than in place of it.

Now, five-and-a-half years out of college (during which I have, in sum, sunk a small company and told some jokes), I have been mysteriously blessed with a much faster metabolism, buzzing along like a hummingbird; I keep myself warm without effort. After years being forcibly bundled up as a child (hypothermia is epidemic in Virginia Beach!), I take still sometimes take pleasure in the rebellion of not wearing a coat when I ought. The whip of cold wind across an exposed throat reminds me how much I love adulthood, disliked childhood, and love the kind of life you work very hard for and make your own.

the SAT essay

The new SAT has an essay, and since the creators of the SAT have to grade so damn many essays and to do so consistently, they've had to create a somewhat simplistic scoring rubric. One of their more questionable rules is that the graders do not count off for factual errors.

In a way, this makes sense -- if I quoted Keats but said the quote was from Rimbaud, it doesn't seem fair or consistent that some graders would spot the error and count off, but some wouldn't know any better; the graders must grade by standards accessible to all graders.

The upshot of this is that someone in my company wrote a quite articulate SAT essay about the time Lincoln freed the Jews -- and she got a perfect score.

Labels:

y'all sit down and drink your ice tea

A friend of mine who formerly served in JAG sent me this article:
"The system is designed to the disadvantage of males," Anglin said. ''From the elementary level, they establish a philosophy that if you sit down, follow orders, and listen to what they say, you'll do well and get good grades. Men naturally rebel against this."
He comments:
Because, hey, if there's nothing else I learned from my time in the armed forces, it's that men are incapable of following orders after sitting down to listen to what people have to say; that's why military service has stereotypically been the domain of women, what with y'all being so good at unemotional steadiness compared to us hysterical and high-strung males...
(In case you guessed from the "y'all," this is, in fact, the same friend who chastised me for my reference to "iced" tea).

Friday, January 27, 2006

grammatical mnemonic devices I can't actually share with my SAT class

"I'd really like to get between those twins!"

versus

"I'd really like to get among those triplets!"


"Your bosoms are lovely."

versus

"Each of your bosoms is lovely."


Grammar is hot!

Labels: ,

people who are funnier than I am, part IV or V or VI or something

I was out to lunch with Baron Vaughn and mentioned making some flaxseed muffins, and he commented that "Flaxseed Muffins" sounded like the name of a vegan porn star.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

C-Vink rocks the house

At the Chicks & Giggles taping show this past Tuesday, the house was not only stuffed full like a twelve year old's bra, the show was also consistently fast-paced and laugh-a-minute. I got a chance to see sets by Claudia Cogan, Margot Leitman, Sara Schaefer, Jess Wood, and Bex Schwartz for the first time. (Bex did the filthiest set I have ever seen at a Chicks & Giggles, but she wins the award for Comic Who Knows the Most About Maintaining Your Gynecological Health. She should start a Q&A column on her website. No, really).

Regular Chicks emcee Carolyn Castiglia has always been boisterously hilarious (she was doing high kicks and deep-squats in her act while nine months pregnant!), but I think she's pushed it to a new level ... a new level of white-girl rapping. An excerpt from Carolyn's new a capella rap experience:
I rock the mom jeans
I rock them long and lean
I rock them real hard in the size 16
But I wear the long shirt from the front to the back
Cuz I know like Whitney told me that showin' crack is wack!
When I asked Carolyn to send me the lines to her rap, she replied with a little rap just for me....
Here's a little story 'bout Jen Dziura
She's the kinda girl you might have heard of
She tells those jokes and she makes 'em laugh
'Bout brows and roaches and takin' a bath
With Dove's campaign for the real beauty
She's awful smart but she is not snooty
She knows Billyburg like the back of her hand
The hipster kids think she is grand
Cuz she can spell and she can write
Her skin's like asprin it's so white.
(She's not insulting me; the aspirin thing is from my act). Here's a pic of me from the show:


Despite having a three-month-old baby and living in East Harlem, C-Vink (that's her married name, 'cause C-Castiglia is a really ridiculous nickname and C-Cast sounds a little too medical) has made it down to my show in Williamsburg three times already, so I've no doubt you'll be able to see more of this. Bitch can beatbox!

Some little girl is going to grow up to be either really proud of mommy, or else she'll rebel by listening exclusively to Charlotte Church and spending her money on Little House on the Prarie novels.

and while I'm nitpicking, we can "take it to the good times"? what?

What's up with that Starship song that goes:
So if the world runs out of lovers
We'll still have each other
Nothing gonna stop us now.
Is the singer saying "If everyone else pairs off and there's no one left to date, we'll be smug because we snagged somoene early on? Or is he saying "If everyone who is in love is magically vaporized from the earth, we'll still be together and we will have somehow been mysteriously exempt?" Or is he saying "If everyone else becomes so tired and cynical that they stop loving anyone at all, we'll still be going strong, which is cool, except our friends will be really depressed and probably hate us for it?" Or is he saying -- nevermind, this is exhausting. Fuck it.

stop scaring me, you winterwear-theiving, leather-tressed whore!

Also related to my sleeping habits, I think it would be useful for me to get laser eye surgery. Two mornings in the last week, I have awakened to see my coat hanging on a hook on the back of my door, and something like a belt hanging over the top of the hook (sort of like a woman's long hair), and I have been alarmed that a person was in my doorway (and wearing my coat, the bitch!) I know lots of people wake up disoriented, but some of them have 20/20 vision, and it's probably less frightening. Also, if someone broke into my bedroom and were holding up a chart that said something in progressively smaller block letters, I would be more likely to be able to read his or her message.

waking up earnestly

I usually set my alarm clock to "buzzer," but sometimes I set it on "radio" by accident.

This morning the alarm clock came on right at the very beginning of a song, and the song was magical! It was like I was being awoken by a pearlescent pegasus who emananted light and glitter and whose noble wings left rainbows wherever they trailed!

So I left the alarm clock on and crawled back in bed, and discovered thirty seconds later that I was listening to Steve Miller Band's "Fly Like an Eagle," and then I was embarrassed. The station followed it up with Meat Loaf's "Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth," which, again, wasn't bad.

I never listen to classic rock.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

January 23rd spelling bee recap

This last bee concluded the Williamsburg Spelling Bee's b-u-r-l-e-s-q-u-e month. Spelling bee founder and co-host bobbyblue was on vacation, so on January 9th, the World Famous *BOB* filled in (see the recap and photos), and on the 23rd, we were graced by Little Brooklyn.

In honor of Little Brooklyn's presence, in round one of the bee, I had spellers spell sexy words like derriere, negligee, crinoline, petticoat, and stiletto. The bee was also filmed by Brooklyn Cable Access Television for the show "Neighborhood Beat." Here are a few pictures:




The last photo shows, from left to right, 3rd place winner Natasha, 2nd place winner Megan, Little Brooklyn, and 1st place winner Matt, who won not only the usual $25 bar tab, but also a lovely VIP package to Little Brooklyn's show, Starshine Burlesque.

Next bee...
Monday, February 6th
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
No cover, open to all.

(And on non-spelling Mondays, do stop by -- same time, same place -- for the After-School Comedy Special).

memo: from Jen to world

I've been Gawkered again.

There's a new guest review on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

I now have a 30-minute DVD of the spelling bee, which is kind of rad. I'm mailing it off to secret places in hopes of promoting adult spelling bees to the world at large. At the last bee, we did have a bit of an "adult" spelling bee (always the joke -- are we spelling dirty words?) Spelling recap up next.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

comedy is in the genes

On a well-known social networking site, my brother Brian posted the following comment below the following image:

"I really like these candid shots of you just doing your normal day to day activities. This one reminds me of when we were teenagers. Sometimes during dinner you would jump to your feet, exclaim something about 'bringing justice to evil doers', and dash from the table. Only a plate containing a partially eaten Steakum sandwich would be left in your wake. It's good to see you still patrol the streets protecting the innocent."
-Brian         

burlesque spelling bee strikes again!

Here is the first photo from last night's spelling bee: winners Natasha, Megan, and Matt with Little Brooklyn! (Those are hard candies in her brassiere, left over from her burlesque act). More soon.

is the internet still taking new enrollments? for whom could this even have been written?

This hoax email is so retro-1995 that I'm almost nostalgic! Yes, the directors of MSN refer to themselves as "Andy and john." Yes, MSN will keep your account active based on tracking the email you forward to everyone you know. Yes, a "closed" account costs $10 a month. Yes, corporate executives often write in all-caps and assure you that "This is no joke."
Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST 10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST.
There are only 578 names left! You shouldn't have started up that "hothungEVillage@msn.com" account that you use on Craigslist -- you're ruining it for everybody!

porn with mustaches: my practical joke from 2004

In 2004, I had a profile on a modeling website, and I would sometimes receive offers to do porn. One time, I decided to write back. I was able to do so anonymously because it was clear that I had received a mass email, so if I wrote back from a different address, the porn producer would assume that my false identity had been on the list.

The original email:
I am a producer for anew and innovative adult film company. I am looking for fresh new faces, some that dont look like they have been around the block. i need girls ages 18-30 for adult film modeling. how far you go is all up to you. Average pay is $1000-$2000per film which would include at least 2 scenes. In your response I would prefer a full body picture, but headshots are acceptable. If you do only send a headshot please describe body style. also, please let me know if you have any preferences such as only girl/girl, boy/girl, oral. let me know if you have any specialties as well. Females only! Also looking for fluffers. This is an easy way to make money ladies! i would pay for any expenses incurred while in LA.
I wrote back and decided to play naive. Also, since I was asked for "preferences," I figured I'd come up with something:
Thank you for the email. I am interested in the adult film industry. I do have some preferences. Actually, it's kind of weird. I can only have sex if the guy has a mustache. I don't trust men who don't have mustaches. Can you work with that?

My favorite specialty is this thing I learned in India that the girls do with their elbows while they are turned around from behind. You have to see it to believe it! I recommend that everyone go to India.

I have not seen many adult films. Can you recommend some titles so I can see what kind of work you do?

What is a fluffer?
The reply:
that sounds kind of kinky! please provide a picture of yourself, preferably a full body shot. also, where are you located? is there anything you would not be willing to try, besides a guy without a mustache?
Somewhere in here, there was also an email about whether I could provide female friends to act as fluffers. Also at this point, I figured I'd better come up with a picture, so I sent him the only naked-lady photo on my desktop -- one of a girl who had hit on me on Nerve, wanting to arrange something with herself, her boyfriend, and me (never happened). But since she was freely sending her naked pictures to total strangers, I didn't feel too bad forwarding this one. I did feel I had to explain her grooming preferences:
Hi, here is a picture I took of myself in the mirror. Do I need to shave my pubic hair? My boyfriend is French. He likes it all bushy. You know how the French are.

Um, I'm sure there's stuff I wouldn't be willing to try, like animals or something. I'm not sure, what kind of things are you thinking of? Also, can you recommend some movies that show what kind of stuff you make?

About the fluffers -- if the girls are off-camera, why do they have to be good looking? I have a couple of friends who might do it but one is fat and the other one isn't very attractive. She has nice tits but they're fake.
Although the photo was believably candid, the porn producer wanted further proof.
hey what is your name? is that really you in that picture? you have an innocent look to you which is perfect for what i'm looking for. what i'm thinking about is having innocent looking young girls and older men. i'm talking about men in their 40's. so its nothing that extreme like animals or anything. when i asked what you wouldnt be wiling to do i meant like oral sex or something. and just to make sure thats really you in that pic send me a couple of pics in which you're wearing clothes holding a sign that says hi.
Since I couldn't comply with this request, I never wrote back. (Also, I never succeeded in getting him to send me a list of porn film titles that he recommended as "research"). That was in 2004. Today, I receive this:
hey i just saw that i still had this email... would you still be interested?
My reply:
Hey, thanks for the email. Actually, I am working with an adult film company now. They make retro-seventies type films, all wood-paneling, men with hairy chests -- and mustaches! I'm actually shooting tomorrow for 'Mustache Rider XIII - The Handlebar Incident.'"


Photos are of Ryan Scott, who won a mustache contest.

Related posts:
hot septuagenarian erotica
yes, we are all mammals! I concur!
Related site: The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog

Labels: , ,

Sleazegrinder interview

This is kind of embarrassing. I swear I didn't do anything untoward to get this kind of press.


Read my interview on Sleazegrinder.

I posted earlier about this interview and about how I basically refused to give a straight answer to anything. I answered the question "Do men find funny women intimidating?" with:
Men find everything about me intimidating. That experiment has too many variables. Post hoc ergo propter hoc. That's Latin for "I can crush you utterly -- with my will or my thighs -- and then will be heard across the land the weeping of your kinfolk and the lamentation of your entire village as they flee in fear."
I'm a riot at family gatherings! Someone invite me to a wake or a bat mitzvah, really.

Actually, I do get serious towards the end when questioned about my monologue piece "Don't Believe Everything You Read On Craigslist." Go read the interview or just type my name into iTunes to get the recording.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Tonight: Little Brooklyn in the 'burgh

This upcoming Monday, the spelling bee continues with "burlesque month." Beloved bee founder bobbyblue is on vacation -- filling in for him will be burlesque star Little Brooklyn, who will co-host, record scores, and do an act before the final round.

Anyone can watch, but be sure to show up early if you want to spell -- we have to cut off the list at 20 spellers.

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, January 23rd

Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
No cover, open to all.

Update: Brooklyn Cable Access is taping! Arrive early if you want to try to get on camera.

open letter

Dear Jury Duty,

Why do you have to come so early in the morning? We haven't really met yet, but I'm already cranky at you.

Jen

***Merch: Magnet***



Grammatically Correct Comedy magnet
$3.00

future heartbreaker

Maddox Jolie-Pitt is already sticking his tongue out at the press! And, my god, I know he's not genetically related, but "Jolie-Pitt"? That's so money. I was trying to make a joke about this name being so oversexed that it's like a satire of sexiness, but I couldn't think of anyone sexier to mention in the joke. Banderas-Johannsen? A pale second place. Shit, a lot of Cambodians just want a visa so they can come here and work for minimum wage. Getting plucked out of an orphanage by Angelina Jolie, adopted by Brad Pitt, and gifted with a mohawk that actually works even though you're a toddler? This is as close as we have to a modern-day Cinderella story. In fifteen years, this kid will have a band, and the hotness of Maddox's frontman act will cause the universe to fold in on itself, ending all time and space in a moist, pulsating undulation of hotness.

Labels:

men must remain intact in my presence, please

One of the lightbulbs in my house burned out yesterday, and when I went to unscrew it, it broke in my hand. Undaunted, I picked up the shards and then, carefully pinching the remaining glass of the lightbulb (the metal part was completely screwed into the socket and thus unpinchable), I attempted to remove the remainder of the bulb from the socket.

Of course, I cut myself and bled everywhere, the few remaining bits of glass broke off, and the metal part of the bulb is still firmly ensconced in the socket, all conveniently located in a (dark) walk-in closet.

At first I thought, hmmn, maybe this is one of those things it might be nice to have a guy around for. But then I thought, hmmn, I have much smaller and more deft fingers; I'll bet many men would've cut themselves sooner and more seriously, and I'd really rather bandage up my own fingers than have some big guy bleeding everywhere. It doesn't make sense, but guy blood is kind of more gross.

I'll try later with some pliers.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Midnight at Pete's Candy Store: The DVD

I just watched the DVD of my 53 minute comedy special, and it turns out my "History of Philosophy in 90 seconds" is actually the history of philosophy in a minute flat. (Empedocles -> Plato -> Descartes -> Hobbes -> Locke -> Kant -> Neitzsche -> Sartre). Actually, now that I think about it, I forgot Plato in the taped version, so it's probably 1:08 with The Republic.

I am very happy with the recording. I'd like to publicly thank Gary Winter for taping, Josh Grosvent for opening, Pete's for letting me do this, and everyone who came out to see the show and laugh on the tape, especially those of you (Molly, Mint, and others) who have heard the jokes before. (Also: photo at right by Frank Petronio).

Soon there will be video clips on this here interweb. Or else I will get a tin can and attach it with a string to your tin can and I will yell the jokes to you.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

I'm in a book! A real book! One I'm probably not going to mail to my parents.

I'm having fiction published! In a book! Of fiction! My story "The Fat Box" (an erotic fiction story involving both a fraudulent weight loss clinic and unconventional use of Sweet Tarts) will be published in Rachel Kramer Bussel's "Sex and Candy" anthology. So exciting! This will be the first time I will have been published in an actual book.

the news from Lake Hapatcong, New Jersey

Last night, comic Angry Bob (whose website carries a review describing him as a "gigantic anarchist lawn gnome") and I drove to Lake Hapatcong, New Jersey, to do a comedy show in a rock-and-roll themed cafe. Time-consuming, but enjoyable. It's nice to do comedy for people who haven't heard any of my jokes.

Two fiftysomething patrons brought this item with them in their car ... this thing that looked kind of like a giant vibrator with an electrical cord. It was a "smoke-eater," and they sat with it at their table as everyone around them smoked, because you can do that in bars in Jersey. I was going to joke about how much the damn thing looked like a vibrator, but then Angry Bob went up before me and thanked the couple for bringing him a rectal suppository, so I figured I'd just leave the smoke-eater alone.

I was amused by an anecdote on Angry Bob's blog about stopping his car at a red light and having a hooker get into the passenger seat and tell him he looked lonely. His response was to scream out the window: "RAPE, WHORE, HELP, I'M A HOSTAGE IN MY OWN CAR - HELP, HELP HELP!!!"

it's like James Frey and J.T. Leroy teamed up to write these things

I really like writing the Wonder Woman Blog with Syd, because it's the only one of the blogs I write that sometimes automatically updates itself while I sleep. Syd, resident comic book pundit, explains that DC Comics has so many problems making their storylines add up over time because, in reaction to a drop in demand in the '40s and '50s, they killed off many of their characters, but then later tried to bring them back...
In the late 50's, D.C. tried to bring back some of the old characters, but rather than have the characters who had failed and been cancelled return, they created new characters with the same powers. In fact, the new Flash had read the old "The Flash" comics when he was younger. You see in the new "The Flash," the old Flash was a fictional character. Try to keep up. The problem arose when the new Flash teamed up with Superman, because some readers noticed that the Superman who was teaming up with the Flash was the same Superman who had teamed up with the old Flash who was now a fictional character in the Flash's world, which means that Superman was... ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! Then their brains exploded.

Facing legislation from the families of those whose heads exploded, The Flash's writer Gardner Fox wrote a comic to explain this. The story goes that The Flash ran so fast that he ripped a hole in reality. For those of you who doubt that this is what happens when you run really fast, keep in mind that you don't have a degree in relativistic physics.
For more Syd goodness, come to the Feb. 8 Jenny Vaudeville Show. Photo of me in my Wonder Women underpants by Ryan Brenizer.

Friday, January 20, 2006

J.D.'s Lesbian Utopia

Thursday, January 19, 2006

nobody text-messages at 9:19am

I got a text message at 9:19 in the morning; it appeared to be a general broadcast from one of my friends to all of his friends, letting us know that he had changed his phone number.

Fine enough (and actually a pretty efficient way to do things -- just text everyone in the old phone rather than finding all their corresponding email addresses and emailing them, or, by God, calling them individually), but I found myself unduly startled by the phone's buzzing -- until I realized that nobody text-messages at 9:19am. Text messaging is like drinking -- you can start in the afternoon, but it really gets going after dark.

***The Sarcastic Sex Toy Store***

The last time you bought a vibrator or a hand-crafted leather flogger, did you simultaneously support alt-comedy and feel good about doing it? No? Well, all that can change!

Everything you see reviewed on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog -- plus some more "normal" items that one might buy in Times Square or even at Walgreen's -- is available in the Sarcastic Sex Toy Store.

Support a comedian! Buy your sex toys here:


Click it, click it good.

class(ism) and the New York Times (again)

Gawker today commented on another installment of Alex Kuczynski’s "Critical Shopper" column in the Times.

This reminded me greatly of an article from last July that I never got around to blogging about, but which bothered me in the way much of the Times does (the article is now archived on the Times' site and available only for a fee but, for now, the entire text also appears here).

Kuczynski, wanting to see what "Tar-zhay" was all about, went to a Target, complained about the lack of designer-name merchandise (Michael Graves and Isaac Mizrahi have Target lines), and then said she was bothered by the "disconnect" of mixing highbrow and lowbrow culture, as a Mocha Mint Frappucino ($4.90) at Target costs more than a pair of children's shoes ($3.74), and therefore we can all tell the rich people from the poor people by who's drinking the Mint Mocha Frappucino.

Because, without the help of Target's in-store Starbucks, we'd never be able to tell a rich from a poor person in this country. No no, we couldn't look at how they're dressed or what car they drove to Target or where they're driving the car to afterwards ... it's the Frappucino that makes poor people feel bad for being poor. And to solve this "disconnect" that so bothers Kuczynski, we should clearly go back to a system of poor people shopping exclusively in their own stores. Being relegated to a rat-infested Conway away from the judgmental eyes of Isaac Mizrahi will do far less damage than -- by God -- having to watch someone drink overpriced coffee.

In the end of the article, just for the hell of it, Kuczynski purchases "a large mirror to hang on a guest bedroom wall and six other smaller ones for around the house; a leather lamp; a silk lampshade; two pairs of hiking shorts, a pair of Mossimo camouflage pants and three pairs of underwear for my stepson; seven pairs of underwear and a pair of Hello Kitty flip-flops for my stepdaughter; Mossimo blue jeans for me; 20 sturdy wooden hangers; a box of Ritz Bitz cheese crackers, half of which I ate in the parking lot and the rest of which I threw into the garbage before I could eat any more; a copy of People magazine; a bottle of water," for the bargain basement total of $234.42.

You can just see her laughing, "This leather lamp is practically free!"

Women who throw away newly-purchased non-perishable food as a weight loss method should not be writing reviews of discount stores.

Related post:
economic elitism

after I went looking for a lingerie Barbie photo for this post, I actually kind of want a lingerie Barbie

Also from Scanner, gay Ken doll porn! Okay, they're knockoff Ken dolls, probably to avoid Mattel lawsuits. But it's still Ken-doll porn to me.


When I was eleven, I had a giant Barbie dollhouse in my bedroom that I felt I was too old for. In the very-urgent-but-awkward progression of adolescence, I found its very presence mortifying. I wasn't allowed to get rid of the dollhouse, though, until my mom got around to packing it up -- in my house we took very, very good care of our toys and never damaged or altered them, and when we outgrew them, they were packed in boxes for our progeny. (Yes, that's a little weird, but a family could do worse).

I pestered my mother about getting rid of the dastardly Barbie Dream House -- peopled by three Kens and at least twice as many Barbies and Skippers -- but there it stayed, mocking me with its satin canopy bed and utility kitchen with light-up oven.

One day, I put all the Barbies in their lingerie and high heels and arranged them around the house, brothel-style, and then a Barbie and a Ken, naked, missionary-position, in the canopy bed, and then one Ken bent over the utility kitchen and the other Ken being the first Ken's special friend. That was also the day my mom's one born-again friend was visiting. The Barbies finally got packed away.

I'm sure you've all seen the classic bondage Barbie photos, but here's a more organic entry -- this blogger's kids made unintentional Barbie porn.

When I have kids, they're going to have a lot of vintage slutty Barbies.

actual non-fictional things that are happening to me

News!
  • I'm going to be Dangerdame of the Week over at DangerDame. (How do you, too, accomplish this task? Buy a Dangerdame dress and send in photos of yourself in it. Apparently, inviting store proprietor Veronica to do a burlesque performance at your birthday and then being too drunk to remember it does not diminish your chances of winning).

  • My humorous sadomasochistic poem "Seven Nights" is going to be published in a literary journal ... alongside the work of a much more famous comedienne.* In this poem, someone gets spanked with a lacrosse trophy, and snowshoes are used as a bondage device.

  • I have an article coming out in Supermodels Unlimited magazine. It will be accompanied by the photo at left by Yann Feron. I look so springtime fresh. I could be a spokeswoman for the entire women's health-and-hygiene section at Walgreen's.
*What, am I running "blind items" all the sudden? Want to guess what anorexic starlet was seen surreptitiously pouring her Jamba Juice into a potted ficus?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

yes, we are all mammals! I concur! can I be done with nature now?

Scanner linked to this site on the topic "Breasts: Sexual or for Breastfeeding Babies?"

Of course, I'm all for breastfeeding, and for doing so in places both private and public. But, despite their protestations that "We believe women were not created as sexual objects to be looked upon as some kind of 'toys', and breasts were not created for that purpose either" and "breasts are NOT supposed to be some kind of a 'turn-on'," I find it suspicious that the site advertises (lower lefthand corner) "Free breastfeeding pictures!"

If there are people who pay for breastfeeding pictures, well, that's even more problematic. I did see that CSI episode about the guy who liked to dress up as a giant baby.

The site also has an entire page of nursing animal photos: "We present this animal nursing photo gallery so everybody can see what nursing is and how breastfeeding is the same thing in humans." Although this page, technically, should be safe for work, I think you'd still have a hard time explaining it to anyone looking over your shoulder. Captions like "A calf few weeks old knows where the milk is" and "Udder on a very milky Icelandic ewe" ... well, ewe.

newspaper clippings (also: the story of my life)

I am working -- steadily and at a reasonable pace -- at catching up on the enormous pile of paperwork and scribbled notes in my room. I have a number of torn-out newspaper pages from the Village Voice and other publications. Some of them, I have no idea what on the page is supposed to be significant. When I opened the December 7th edition of the Voice and elected to retain this one particular page, was I interested in a free plastic surgery consultation? An article about suspicious patents? A God-Man cartoon? Laser tattoo removal? A complete pair of glasses for $39, with this ad only, limitations apply?

January 21st: I shall return to the Improv

Call now to get the advance price!

Saturday, Jan 21st
New York Improv Comedy Club

318 W. 53rd Street (Between 8th and 9th Aves.)
SHOWTIME 7:00 p.m. - Doors Open at 6:30
Cover: $15. Only $12 if advance reservation is made on VIP line.

No dancing girls, no bands, no pyrotechnics. I'm just going to fuckin' make you laugh. Straight-up standup. Click here for comedy samples.

Taking your date to see Jenisfamous do comedy gets you laid like lobster dinner ;)

Call now for reservations -- 212-465-3343


photo by Brian Van

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

what happens when math teachers read the fine print

So, my bank enrolled me in this "thank you points" program wherein I receive one point for every $2 spent with my signature or for every $3 spent with a PIN. In a month or two, I've racked up some 848 points (not sure if they're counting online bill paying -- otherwise it seems like I must have started with some kind of bonus number of points).

Anyway, to prevent scamming, the program specifies that if if you buy something and return it, the points you received will be subtracted. However, my experience with debit purchases has been that when you return something, you get your refund in cash. I can't see how the bank would really know about it. So couldn't I rack up points by buying things with debit and returning them?

For instance, last month I bought a $150 dress at Banana Republic and then returned it (I was going to wear it to my birthday party but then I took it home and couldn't get it to work with a strapless bra), and was somewhat surprised to receive $150 in cash. I could buy and return a $150 dress, um ... every day. I could buy the dresses three at once and then return them. Now, I have to imagine that the store would have some limit on the amount of money they'd hand someone in cash as a refund, maybe a few hundred dollars. So, three dresses it is. That's $450 and 150 points -- per day.

In just 167 days, I would have 25,000 points, which I could redeem for a 2 GB iPod Nano or a $250 student loan rebate (that's really in the list of prizes). Hmmn.

I once had a similar idea for a (perfectly legal) scheme involving the Victoria's Secret catalog and their free magazine offers. Oh wait, that's stored in my email box, from six years ago (for real, yo):
How to Get an Unlimited Number of Free Phone Cards and Interesting Other Items

1. Obtain one of those Victoria's Secret catalogues which offers free shipping and returns on orders over $100. Sign up on victoriassecret.com, and they would be happy to send them to you on a regular basis.

2. Call and order $100 worth of merchandise. Pay for it by credit card, getting free shipping. When they ask if you want to join the free magazine program, say yes. Select your two magazines. They carry over 600 titles (beauty, fitness, cooking, e-business, home repair, etc.)

3. When you receive your merchandise, return it all. The purchase price is refunded to your credit card, and, again, Victoria's Secret pays the shipping.

4. Around the time you start receiving magazines, you will receive a card from the magazine program telling you how to cancel -- or, should you forget to cancel, how to have any credit card charges refunded.

5. Call and attempt to cancel your magazines. They will offer you a free 20 minute phone card or an Entertainment book (containing, among other things, three $5 off a $25 purchase coupons to Borders) for continuing to receive your magazine, with the continued option to cancel at any time, or to have any credit card charges refunded should you forget to cancel. Select your free gift -- one per magazine. (Plus, of course, free magazines).

6. Call back the next day and attempt to cancel your magazines. They will offer you a free 20 minute phone card or an Entertainment book... (etc.)

7. Repeat as necessary.

As far as I can tell, there is no limit to how many times you can call and accept a free gift in exchange for NOT cancelling your magazines. As for Victoria's Secret, after you ordered $100 worth of stuff and returned it a couple of times, they might stop giving you free shipping, but by then you could have gotten TONS of free phone cards. Plus, if you frequently order from Victoria's Secret anyway (as I do), then you get more magazines every time you order.

Isn't that neat?

In my own defense, while I have called the magazine program many times to get free phone cards, I have never taken advantage of the free returns by ordering things I never meant to keep; all of my Victoria's Secret orders were real.

UPDATE: So, I just called again and got more free phone cards. So far, the company has shown no signs of not wanting to send me an infinite number of them.

The problem with their incentive program, of course, is that it offers a material reward every time you maintain the status quo, and there are few limitations on how many times I can maintain the status quo in three months.

When I call up, they ask which magazine I'm calling about -- at first, I sort of figured that they wouldn't send me free gifts more than once for each magazine, so I would wait for the recording to name the various magazines, and select a free gift for each one. I have now realized that that is not necessary. I can select the first-listed magazine each time, and punch in the appropriate buttons before the recording-lady finishes talking, bringing the whole process down to about a minute. So, theoretically, by spending an hour on the phone -- during which I could very likely do other unrelated things, like eat lunch, or actually read the magazines -- I could get 60 free 20 minute phone cards, worth $5 apiece.

Maybe I should start reselling them on eBay?

Maybe I should just take this up full-time. If I found a way to resell my $5 phone cards for, say, $3, I could still make $180/hour, in exchange for agreeing to receive free magazines which I enjoy reading.

Also in theory, if I spent only one hour per day on the phone, I could get 5,400 free phone cards, with a retail value of $27,000, per magazine (I get three months per magazine to request the cards).

Working full-time over three months, I could obtain 43,200 phone cards, for 864,000 minutes of long-distance domestic calling time, with a retail value of $216,000.

If I order from Victoria's Secret at least once every three months (and I can always order more than $100 worth of merchandise in order to get free shipping and returns, and then return it all), I can enroll in the program indefinitely.

Doing this over the course of one year, I could obtain 175,200 free phone cards, for 3,504,000 minutes of long-distance domestic calling time, with a retail value of $876,000.

Jen

Labels:

someone should put microchips in breast implants so you can use GPS tracking to find the nearest stripper

From Gawker: Someone has plotted all of Manhattan's Starbucks in order to find the "Starbucks Center of Gravity."
What does "center of gravity" mean? Well, it means the exact place you can stand in Manhattan and be closest to ALL Starbucks. As if every single Starbucks was pulling you equally in its direction, this is the place where u could stand to feel the most Starbucks power...and not just within a few blocks radius, but for the whole Island! Think of it like being at the North Pole for overpriced coffee.
The spot is "somewhere between 5th and 6th, in between 39th and 40th."

Somewhat similarly, you can add yourself to my Frappr map (please do!), which allows me to see where in the world people who read this blog are located. (You don't have to put up a picture like some people have -- you can just add yourself with a screenname and city).

minor technical difficulties

I'm still kind of exhausted from my taping on Saturday night. Please bear with me as I spend lots of time in my new fleece bathrobe eating whole-grain English muffins. I haven't seen the tape yet, so I don't know if this has been a stepping-stone to a new era of comedy or, well ... not.

a narwhal is "el unicornio de mar"

While German is the hands-down winner for having a single word for something that English does not have a single word for (Weltschmertz!), I kind of like that Spanish has a word for "the only thing" (el único), as the use of "thing" in English adds imprecision where it need not exist.

"Lo único que se debe hacer" is more concise than "The only thing you have to do." Why do we need a thing in there? Ideally, "thing" should be reserved for unidentified objects.

The use of "thing" in this case is, I think, an imperfection in English similar to the necessary use of an antedecentless pronoun in "It's raining." We can't say "The children enjoy lollipops, but it's not happening today," because there's no singular noun that could be the "it." But in "It's raining," the "it" just can't be helped. That's a lack of intelligent design.

Incidentally, the Spanish word for "unicorn" is "el unicornio," which sounds a little bit dirty.

in the (subjunctive) mood

Thrillist today wrote about a new product for men -- Balla Powder. Yes, those ballas.

I was amused at the subject heading "Thrillist: Wish You Were a Balla?" This, of course, is an allusion to Skee-Lo's hit, "I Wish," which goes, in part, as follows:
I wish I was little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a '64 Impala.
I often use this song in my SAT classes as an example of an incorrect use of the subjunctive mood. Skee-Lo should, of course, have said "I wish I WERE a little bit taller, I wish I WERE a baller." The rest of the excerpt is a bit obscurist, but grammatically unproblematic.

Thrillist even taste-tested Balla Powder, just to make sure it won't be off-putting to the ladies. Now that's investigative journalism.

Labels: ,

you'll have to read backwards on the blog if you don't know about babymama number 1

Comic Lianne Stokes is turning 30. She registered herself and her biological clock at Pottery Barn. Hilarious form email ensues.

Too bad she keeps fending off my sapphic advances. I'd totally knock her up. She could be babymama number 2.

Monday, January 16, 2006

TONIGHT Monday Jan. 16: Try Not to Sleep with Hot Lady Teachers

And ... there's another show! How many shows can I have? Don't worry, at this one, I'm just going to introduce other people and let them tell jokes. Because now you've heard ALL of mine. (You might remember Lianne from when I turned her gay).
Monday, January 16th
The After-School Comedy Special
This week's theme: Try Not to Sleep with Hot Lady Teachers
Pete's Candy Store (L train to Lorimer -- see map)
7:30-9pm
Free

Featuring Dan Allen, Lianne Stokes, Raquel D'Apice, Drew Hirsch, and Mike Cotayo.

The After-School Comedy Special (formerly "Comedy Show & Tell") mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including free candy, and Mad Libs!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

sorry, I must've had too many mint juleps

A friend in Charlottesville wrote in response to my use of the phrase "iced tea":
You fucking grew up below the Mason-Dixon line; it's "ice tea". Ah reckon y'all ain't bin drinkin' sum "iced water" up theah?

stamina

I did fifty-three straight minutes of comedy tonight.

Jen sleep now.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

interview me! bring it on!

I did an email interview for a web magazine, and I pretty much avoided giving a straight answer to anything. A small sample:
Which comedian (or comic style) would you rather stick pencils in your ears than have to hear?

Sometimes when I'm all up on your mom, she tries to tell knock-knock jokes, and I'm like, bitch, I'm the one doing the knockin' here.

Modeling and comedy don't cross paths much - has doing one ever caused anyone to call into question your doing the other (ie, "Models don't do comedy!" or vice versa)?

That's not me. I hired a body double to improve my prospects at a television career. And boy is that bitch dumb.

where have all the cowboys gone?*

I've been enjoying flitting about town as per my every whim for the past few months, which is the prerogative of a single lady who simply has not allocated any of her limited hours for dating. But tonight's taping has made me think about how it was pretty decent when the cowboy would come to all my shows. And my shows weren't even as cool back then. But there was always a cowboy there. Of course, there is now a small group of people who pretty regularly show up to my shows, and I am happy about and grateful for this. It feels more ligit if you're not sleeping with your audience.

* How have I been writing this blog for so long and never once in the entire cowboy affair used that as a subject line?

***Merch: Men's T-Shirt***



Grammatically Correct Comedy t-shirt (men)

On American Apparel 100% cotton. Looks great on the ladies the morning after!
$15.00

Size

TONIGHT: Midnight at Pete's Candy Store

One woman. One microphone. All the jokes she's got.

I'm taping! Come see me do comedy, solo. We'll be recording. And I want you to come laugh on the recording. Even if you've heard the jokes before -- baby, I'll make it so it's like the very first time all over again.

Opening act will be musical comedian Josh Grosvent.

Tonight, January 14th.
Midnight.
Free.
Pete's Candy Store. 709 Lorimer St. Williamsburg.

no, really. this is my real personality, part II

When I'm nervous about something -- like tonight's comedy taping -- I sometimes turn domestic. It's because I know I'm not going to fuck up picture hanging, floor polishing, or bathtub cleaning. My bathtub is routinely spotless enough to eat from (something that has never been remarked upon or appreciated by any gentleman caller), but sometimes it needs to be extra clean.

And sometimes, a couch needs a little sprucing up. Here is my couch:


It is very white and the fabric has been clawed by my cat. It looks naked, like it's missing its slipcover, because it is, in fact, missing its slipcover. I never bothered to put the slipcover on it because the slipcover is only a shade off from white, so it seemed useless to wrestle the thing on there, like making a huge effort to put on a Saran-Wrap dress before attending a party (and if I did that in college, well, I was young and on a budget, and by no means was I attempting to win a costume contest at a gay-themed dance).

I decided that I would like my slipcover to be avocado green, so I went to the Astor Place KMart (doesn't it hurt a bit that there is an Astor Place KMart?) in search of avocado Rit dye, but they had only Regular Green. Really, it was a very unimaginative palette of colors. So I bought a Regular Green and a Regular Yellow and resolved to mix them together, in my bathtub. The back of the box warned that fabric being dyed should be "stirred continuously," and I imagined myself like a witch over an avocado-green cauldron of slipcovers, as if creating some kind of domestic potion.


Once I got the bathtub full of dye and added the slipcover, it occurred to me that this was a once-only opportunity to dye other things green, so I rummaged through my place and found:
  • one formerly heather gray Spelling Bee t-shirt (heather gray? gross)
  • a cream-colored sweater my mom bought me in 2002 and which I've worn once
  • a tan v-neck I haven't bothered to wear in a long time
  • an impractically cream-colored bathroom rug
  • two pairs of white cotton panties (I know those can be sexy in a Lolita kind of way, but these weren't those ones)
So I added all of this to my cauldron and dyed my hands quite green stirring it all. The mound of textiles turned sage-colored rather than avocado, which was really a better choice anyway.

In the end (after much rinsing-until-clear), everything turned out gorgeous except the sweater, which absorbed almost no dye at all. Did the manufacturers of this sweater know that they were selling virtually stain-proof sweaters? Why did they not advertise this? Imagine if you had developed unbreakable light bulbs, but didn't bother to say anything -- no no, why make a fuss? Just sell it as a regular lightbulb. That is what I call excessive humility.

Here is what my bathroom looks like with wet, sage-green objects everywhere.


In the end, it looked like the dye had stained my bathtub, but actually the dye had stained the soap scum around my bathtub, which was very useful in getting it spotless again, much like those dye tablets you used to chew as a kid that highlighted where you needed to brush better.

In further illustration of this post, here is a picture of me with a feather-duster. Housekeeping is a lost art. Though much-maligned for its role in the Feminine Mystique, it really has to do with Being On Your Shit, and I support Being On Your Shit.

When I'm called off, I got a sawed-off, squeeze the trigger and bodies are, like, totally hauled off

A link from TAN, who plans to marry Nina Gordon, who has done the whitest, girliest, folksiest cover ever of ...

Straight Outta Compton

no, really. this is my real personality.

I am the geeky sort of girl who requests (and receives) a four-port hub for Christmas. My cords are so much more orderly!

Friday, January 13, 2006

meaty inspiration

I have for several years maintained a list of "things I like," so I can remember what they are. One is "piano music," of which I own precious little, but discovered one day that I like a great deal. Another of them is the Rocky special feature with Sylvester Stallone. This is a retrospective, with a modern-day Sly reminiscing about permanently damaging his knuckles by pounding meat in a freezing cold meat locker, and, more importantly, about being a penniless actor in danger of having to sell his dog, and then being offered money for his screenplay but without an offer for him to star in it, and his turning it down, and by damn is that a good story. I might just watch that now.

Pravda is insane

Pravda quotes Vladimir Zhirinovsky, leader of the Liberal and Democratic Party of Russia:
"Condoleezza Rice released a coarse anti-Russian statement. This is because she is a single woman who has no children. She loses her reason because of her late single status. Nature takes it all."

"Condoleezza Rice needs a company of soldiers. She needs to be taken to barracks where she would be satisfied. On the other hand, she can hardly be satisfied because of her age."
But, lest this be thought too brutal, Pravda follows up that article with a link to one entitled Condoleezza Rice leads solitary life, but surprises the world with her slim figure and determination. How charming! It's like Mattel's copywriting from the side of an old Barbie box. Apparently:
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon said once that he was unable to conduct negotiations about the regulation of the Middle East conflict in Ms. Rice's presence. The elderly Israeli premier gets confused when his eyes stop on Ms. Rice's slim legs!
How could the same nation produce Pravda and The Brothers Karamazov?

I'm not sure if sentences like "Condoleezza Rice, a black woman, became a member of the white Republican Party" are getting it completely wrong ... or just a little too right.

Best-Dressed Blogger Award nomination!

The Jenny Vaudeville Show last night began with Zeroboy's sound-effects impression of, among other things, King Kong's death and fall from the Empire State Building, and ended with the Two Man Gentleman Band passing out kazoos to the entire audience and regaling us with a song about a woman whose measurements (37-29-37) are prime numbers. The show was taped by the documentary crew from earlier that day. Today I took my kazoo with me to SAT class and used it to bring the class back to attention when they were drifting from permutations and combinations.

Due to the taping on Saturday night (free! come!), I've been too busy for my usual prolix blogging. But big news is coming soon -- I am doing an interview for Vanity Fair in which I confess to bulimia and trying cocaine, and talk about how thin I was on SNL. I'm also planning on adopting a baby kangaroo and carrying it in a jeweled purse until Animal Control comes to take it away.

In other news, a reader wrote to say she had nominated me for the best dressed blogger award. A few more mentions couldn't hurt, so go ahead and send in another if you want to stand up for the wearing of Wonder Woman underpants, or for drunkenly falling out of cocktail dresses.

Update: Whoa! Consider me nominated!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

star-spangled

Today I did a taped interview in my apartment with some women who are doing a documentary about women in comedy. I told them I had adapted to the business by getting buttock implants.

Whatever am I going to wear to Jenny Vaudeville tonight? It's hard to one-up the Wonder Woman underpants.

Recap: January 9th spelling bee with the World Famous *BOB*

I am so in love with the World Famous *BOB*.


This Monday night, in the absence of beloved bee founder bobbyblue, burlesque superstar The World Famous *BOB* stepped in as co-emcee. She drew a huge audience of admirers and was utterly charming in her duties of signing people up, recording the scores, and encouraging applause for contestants who were eliminated.

And ... she did a striptease for us! There were spelling boobs! I was actually quite a bit flustered when, after her act and just before the final round of the bee, *BOB* sat back down in her seat wearing nothing up top but pasties. It is difficult to make sure someone is spelling "pyrargyrite" correctly when besparkled, nearly-naked breasts the size of human heads are exerting a gravitational pull on your synapses.

Contestants Sarah Helfinstein and Christina Stubbs tied for first place, and Pete Kane came in third.

Photo by Semyon. More here.

read my new review on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog

And then buy this thing, and have sex with it, and post a comment. Yes, that's it....

Or just click on this picture of the weird transparent lady:

barker fun-time

From Overheard:
Promoter guy: Stand-up comedy! Are you interested in seeing some stand-up comedy tonight? Hey, I'm asking you a question.

Dude: Oh, no thanks.

Promoter guy: Oh, well, we also have stand-up misery.

--Times Square

I'm anti-redundancy, I'm against redundancy and dislike that which is redundant

Is it wrong to be really, really annoyed by the panhandler on the 6 train who has informed me at least weekly for the past two years that "I'm homeless; I don't have a home"?

That's what "homeless" means.

I'm going to begin telling others things like "I'm Schnauzerless! I don't have a Schnauzer!"

I'm bananaless! Look, no banana!

hot sake and egregiously misshapen thesis statements

Tonight after class I had some student essays to grade, so I took them to a sushi bar and did it while drinking sake!

I could have done that at any time during the past several years. Why have I never done such a fabulous thing?!

***Merch: Women's V-Neck***



Grammatically Correct Comedy v-neck (women)

On sexy American Apparel 100% cotton. Buy small, looks great tight!
$15.00


Size

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

is it an addiction if it really, really works?

Like if you have cancer and can't WAIT to get to chemotherapy, are you addicted to it? If so, is that really a problem?

I am tied to my computer, where the magic happens (and I don't mean blogging). Sometime after it gets dark, I go teach class and do comedy. When I'm on the subway, I play with the to-do list on my Treo, which makes me wish I were at my real computer.

If you have been trying to encounter me in real life in order to arrange a meeting or talk to me about something or apologize for what happened at the homecoming dance that one time, please be patient.

If I don't have time to use conditioner, I don't have time for ... well, a lot of things, some of them sitting in an enormous pile of paper on my desk, and some of them having a Y chromosome.

I do, however, have time to write a new review on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

Midnight Comedy at Pete's Candy Store

I have some very exciting places to send this tape, which is why I need it in a hurry. So on Saturday night, at Pete's, at midnight, I am telling ALL of my jokes. I would like you to come.

Do you have an annoying uncle who laughs too loudly? That's how I would like you to laugh. You know, for the tape.

If you come, and laugh, your laughing will be on the tape. And that will make me very happy.

Opening act will be musical comedian Josh Grosvent.

Saturday night, January 10th
Midnight.
Free.
Pete's Candy Store. 709 Lorimer St. Williamsburg.

primal, guttural noises here

I am confounded that D-Listed could post these photos of Edward Norton with the headline "Was Ed Norton ever hot?"

I've always been an Edward Norton fan (I can't even remember what film got me started, but I even saw Keeping the Faith in the theater), but I wouldn't say I had an all-out crush. I just wanted to go to lunch with the guy and say "Well done!" But now I'd have to say that Edward Norton has aged fantastically well! He has gone from a pointy-chinned, babyfaced thing to a slightly grizzled, well-marinated-in-testosterone fully adult man.

He looks like Sean Penn with better grammar. And that's fucking hot.

babies

Today Carolyn Castiglia of Chicks & Giggles came over to visit and I held her baby Adriana for fully half an hour, which was awesome because last time I did that, Carolyn took my picture and I looked really awkward, as though I were some sort of pseudo-woman whose womb has secretly been replaced with Folger's Crystals.

But this time was fine, and Adriana took a little nap, and I was briefly puzzled about how to get up and turn off the stove while holding a sleeping baby, but it went fine. Of course, the Undiscovered Superstar does it 24/7. I mean, not turn off the stove, specifically, 24/7, but you know what I mean. I mean, get a new stove, sheesh.

Wed. January 11th: circus sideshow etiquette at the Jenny Vaudeville Show

The Jenny Vaudeville Show
WEDNESDAY NIGHT, January 11th

10pm
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer Street in Williamsburg
Free!

Featuring:


Directions to Pete's: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete's is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.

Monday, January 9, 2006

is it still exploitation if they only "need" the money for beer?

There is a now a Guys Gone Wild. Alas, I wasn't attracted to drunken fratboys when I was in college, and I'm not attracted to them now, although paying boys from Mobile, Alabama to pose naked together in cowboy hats in a little Brokeback homage is more than a little funny.

Update: Carolyn writes: I hate that the movie about gay cowboys is called “Brokeback Mountain.” I mean – the cowboy thing pushes the gay thing way over the top as it is. Riding stallions – getting saddle sores – why not just call it “Dick in the Ass Hill” for Christ's sake? While you’re at it, Ang Lee, why not make a lesbian cooking show called “Sweet Pussy Pie?”

Vin did inspire me to jump out of an airplane, twice

I was just explaining to someone that Vin Diesel is like the male Pam Anderson; he's a blown-up, exaggerated sexual archetype, someone you wouldn't want to settle down with or bring home to mom, but who you wouldn't turn down a piece of. Someone who's kind of dumb, or at least plays dumb, so you get the idea that you could take advantage of him or her with few, if any, repercussions.

Even Vin Diesel's turn in The Pacifier (love the Dawn-Eden-like title) kind of implies his malleability and willingness to please; not only is he an absurd agglomeration of brawn and bravado, but, if pressed, you could also make him take care of your kids. Kind of like how you might entertain the fantasy that Pam would wake up in the morning and bake some blueberry muffins if you told her to.

This is notably unlike other men put up for our supposed fantasies -- the witty Hugh Grant, the soulful Ralph Fiennes, even the uncontrollable Russell Crowe. (And would any of those men adopt an obviously whimsical porn-star name just to please us? I think not).

No, if all you want is a sack of pneumatic body parts and a deadly-simplistic embodiment of gender stereotypes, I think Vin and Pam are where to go. If you put them in a room together, they might explode. Or else not be able to figure out how to get out of the room, even if you left the door open and a sign pointing towards the door, reading "sex over here!"

Related post:
retro photo (this post also features SHOUTING)

a good scratch

My mom really loves watching the PandaCam. I checked in and was amused by this update from December 30th:
Tai Shan ... walked down the middle of the yard to the fallen limb to start off his two-hour play session. When it was time to go to sleep, he returned to the same limb, rubbed his rear end against it for a good scratch, and then fell fast asleep. Tai draped himself over the branch just like his dad. Tian Tian likes to hang out on a branch at the front of his yard, adjacent to Tai and Mei's yard. We sometimes see Tian engage in a good rear-end rubbing before going to sleep. It is hard to believe branches can be so comfortable. However, we can all identify with the relief of a good scratch.
(I was unable to find a panda-rear-end-scratching photo to accompany this post. Submissions of panda-rear-end-scratching photos are welcome. Submissions of people in panda costumes engaged in rear-end-scratching are not).

Update: "I did read this amusing post, then I had an interesting thought. You should know that rear end scratching does not increase a panda's cute-factor any more than it increases a husband's. Love Mom"

Sunday, January 8, 2006

the magic word is "short"

There's a secret order you can get at Starbucks! Or, rather: "They will serve you a better, stronger cappuccino if you want one, and they will charge you less for it." This knowledge is revealed in what seems to be part of a recurring economics-based column on Slate.

Incidentally, I was once quoted in the Cleveland Plain-Dealer discussing which Starbucks sizes provide the "optimal espresso-to-money ratio."

Related posts:
some sugar in my smoking?
oh sappho, my barista, imagine a world of amazon women who have replaced men with espresso

"no bass player is allowed near the computer from now on"

The frontman from a band called The Red Romance left a comment on one of my MySpace pictures commenting that I was "hot." So I clicked and visited his band's page, which said something about "the first and last name in NY bands," so I left them a comment that said "The first and last name in New York bands? Then what's your middle name? What are you, Japanese?" (As Japanese people do not traditionally have middle names). The following ensued:
From: Jennifer Dziura, Comedian and Blogger
Date: Jan 6, 2006 12:03 AM

You tell me I'm hot, then you delete my comment? Why does the Red Romance toy with me so?

jen
jenisfamous.com



From: The Red Romance
Date: Jan 6, 2006 9:01 AM

Jennifer San, a thousand apologies, we have acted dishonorably. Apperently, our bass player thought your zingers had too much zing; he has shamed our name and village, and will be sold into slavery to the Koreans. Please zing again, and I will let it stand for the whole world to see.



From: Jennifer Dziura, Comedian and Blogger
Date: Jan 6, 2006 9:16 AM

Ha -- I just went to post a comment, and couldn't, as it seems your bass player actually removed me from your friends list entirely. See if I show up to your show in my Wonder Woman underpants now.

Um, if you send friend requests to comedians, they will probably try to say funny things on your page.
jen
jenisfamous.com



From: The Red Romance
Date: Jan 6, 2006 10:51 AM

Have we blown it? Do I have to go to your page and pick up my stuff? We can't message each other for a while? You're going to start posting comments on my best friend's page? You're too much comedian for us. Please make serious fun of us, no bass player is allowed near the computer from now on!



From: Jennifer Dziura, Comedian and Blogger
Date: Jan 6, 2006 1:56 PM

I've already left your stuff on my page's front lawn. In the rain.

No, seriously ... I am going to have to blog this entire converstion.

Jen
jenisfamous.com

Friday, January 6, 2006

How do you like your comedy? Inarticulate? I didn't think so, you sexy smartypants.

This "Grammatically Correct Comedy" t-shirt is clingy and sexy and v-necked and made on genuine American Apparel and can be yours for just $15. Men's version available also. Photo by Ryan Brenizer.

Visit the store and show some love.

catchy

I am going to start a pop music career for the sole purpose of recording a song entitled "I Wanted To Be Your One and Only, But I'll Settle for Your MySpace Top Eight."

if only I had as many babymamas as I have blogs

I announced just before Christmas that I was being considered for another round of egg donation. I could certainly do some productive things with the cash. In any case, I thought that this whole egg business deserved its own blog this time around (for those of you new to this blog, I donated my eggs to a gay man in September, 2005).

So, I started a new, girly-pink blog and ported over my old egg-related posts from this blog to the new blog, appropriately (and offensively!) named...

Eujenics: Jennifer Dziura's Egg Donation Blog

I am working towards my goal of being a professional blogger by first being a prolific blogger (and selling sex toys and comedy merchandise -- thank you for all the vibrator purchases and book pre-orders!)

Here is an excerpt from one of my first ruminative posts on the topic of egg donation:
People have asked me whether I worry about my genes being "out there." My reply -- a very instinctive one -- has always been that the more of my genes out there, the better. This guy's going to get a baby one way or another, so it might as well have some Jen in it.

This is the same kind of view that motivates (whether consciously or merely biologically) the young men who have spent time "sowing their oats" since time immemorial, and count their babymamas with a sort of virile pride. I see no reason I shouldn't have the same impulse; until now, it has simply been impossible to physically carry out.

If I could impregnate men and make them walk around all swollen up with little Jen-babies ... I might have been doing it for years.
More here.

Thursday, January 5, 2006

life is good, but...

I need an intern.

hot blogger-on-blogger niche blog action

Okay. I'll try to start this at the beginning.

Susie Felber is a comedian, and so am I. I invited her to do my show in Williamsburg, and she showed up wearing these fabulous legwarmers, which I then photographed and blogged about, and then she blogged about my blogging about it, and then I blogged about her blogging about me blogging about it.

All was quiet for a short while.

Then, I started a Wonder Woman Blog. Susie sent me a picture of herself dressed as Wonder Woman when she was a kid, and I posted it. Then, she blogged about me posting it.

In this post, Susie says she is in favor of niche blogs such as the Wonder Woman Blog and Rachel Kramer Bussel's cupcake blog, both of which she has now contributed to.

Therefore, she has started...

The Wonder Woman Cupcake Blog.

This blog does not yet exist, but a preview is here. And submission guidelines are here.


I am going to start the Comedienne/Blogger MetaWonderCupBlog, which is only accepting submissions from female comedians in New York blogging about other female comedians in New York wearing superhero garb and eating cupcakes that are frosted so as to appear to be wearing superhero garb. I will occasionally loosen the standards and post material from male comedians in New York blogging about female comedians in New York wearing superhero garb and eating cupcakes that are frosted so as to appear to be wearing superhero garb, provided that the link comes from a female comedian in New York who, when not forwarding submissions from male comedians in New York, blogs about other female comedians in New York wearing superhero garb and eating cupcakes that are frosted so as to appear to be wearing superhero garb.

This is total blog incest, and it must be abated.

Debate! I miss the heady rush of a good rebuttal.

I was really excited to attend the Athenaeum Society's debate on intelligent design this Wednesday at Lolita bar (GirlyNYC posted about it before I ran into her there).

Adults debating? I'd always wished for such a thing. Could my former debate champtionships somehow pay off in free drinks? Not that I like drinking that much (see previous post on "fun"). Still, last time I won something big, I received a hardback biography of Abraham Lincoln.

I signed up for their list and, in response to their request to list topics which we ourselves would be willing to debate, I offered myself on the topic "Should the SAT be dropped from college admissions?" I'm sure I could uphold either side with reasonable facility.

how to have fun, a primer

I am not sure that I have much talent at having fun. It seems like when I think "I should be having more fun," I think about going out more at night, generally to events in bars. But I already do that several times a week and I don't really want to do it any more frequently, so then I think, "Oh, I must be having all the fun I can handle."

This is not true. I could be getting massages in Chinatown (let us maintain some purity of thought here, people). Or visiting museums (I don't really like museums ... but maybe I just don't like museums with other people. Hmmn). Or riding the Cyclone in Coney Island (I'm not sure if I even like roller coasters).

One time I thought about visiting some other city, maybe Montreal, and then I thought up a list of things that might be fun to do, but since I don't know much about Montreal, none of them were specific to that city; they were basically things I could do in New York anytime, like "try new restaurants" and "visit independent bookstores." (I never went to Montreal).

I think I might enjoy visiting a department store from time to time, something I have done in New York exactly twice, once when I stopped into Macy's to buy a suit (black with fine turquiose pinstripes - fabulous!) after a long day at the corporate job I held in 2003, and once when my mom came to visit and I coveted a lovely bedspread that I couldn't afford at the time but maybe could now.

Of course those are frivolous things to do, but I think that's the point of fun (I think; I'm not sure). I think I could be looking at bedspreads and, um ... trying different types of baklava ... instead of consuming alcohol I didn't really want anyway in bars because it's polite to buy something while you're watching performance art or ironic nu-wave or whatever.

Don't people go make pottery in the middle of the day* or something? I don't think I know those people.

*I work continually in the evenings and on the weekends, since most of my living is made teaching and tutoring kids when they are not in school. I am basically never free on weekend mornings and afternoons, but this is fine by me, because all of the things people normally want to do during those times are much less crowded when I do them, or when I theoretically could do them, on, say, Tuesday at 1pm.

"Brainy chicks hotter than ever!"

From Salon: Apparently the research long used to argue that well-educated and successful women price themselves out of the marriage market (because men prefer "women in subordinate jobs") is seriously flawed -- one study used data solely from people born in 1921, and the other merely surveyed a "few hundred undergrads."

That last one gets me -- I'm imainging someone handing out a survey to a bunch of fratboys looking to make $10 in beer money from some kind of social research department, and they write things like "Yeah, bitches, if I gotta get married, I'm gonna marry a sexy stewardess! Yeah!"

And then the guy next to him is like "I'll marry a secretary and she'll get my coffee -- and DICK-tate whatever I want! Awesome!" And they high-five and take their $10 each back to Alpha Sigma Sigma.

Then, ten years later, they're both like "Dude, I want a chick who's a lawyer! She could, like, buy a condo!"

"Dude, you're so right!"

High-five!

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

where are my pants?


Also by Ryan Brenizer.

Visit the Wonder Woman Blog for more.

photos by Ryan

Ryan Brenizer, who previously photographed one of my vaudeville shows, has taken some photos of me in my Dangerdame dress.






For this last photo, I was standing in the snow in peep-toed heels while Ryan stuck his head out the window to get the shot.

baby parts

The Times has taken up the age-old question of why we find things cute:
The human cuteness detector is set at such a low bar, researchers said, that it sweeps in and deems cute practically anything remotely resembling a human baby or a part thereof, and so ends up including the young of virtually every mammalian species, fuzzy-headed birds like Japanese cranes, woolly bear caterpillars, a bobbing balloon, a big round rock stacked on a smaller rock, a colon, a hyphen and a close parenthesis typed in succession.
Funny how we're so susceptible to "anything remotely resembling a human baby or a part thereof" ... yet a front lawn strewn with baby parts is rarely considered "cute."

(I know! I've tried!)

(Also, the pedantry of referring to a :-) as "a colon, a hyphen and a close parenthesis typed in succession" ... well, thank you, New York Times).

men seeking women - clown gang bang

Via Craigslist:
"We are a safe and sane group of current and former circus clowns that are experienced in group settings and in the art of pleasuring women and making their dreams come true. Some of us are of "normal height and weight" and some of us are midgets and really fat or really tall. We are also very skilled at baloon tricks and getting in and out of very small cars."
The closer: "What is your fantasy ladies? What can we do for you? Bonk, Bonk."

my mom's friends always comment on how much my mom and I look alike

For no particular reason, this is my Mom and Dad in the seventies (they were 20 and 21, respectively):



I came upon these photos when I was home for Christmas and took them with me, since I'm the only one in the family with a scanner. I even color-corrected them (or, rather, Photoshop did with its automatic color-correction tool -- how does it just know?!) Many people are under the mistaken impression that the entire decade of the seventies was sort of brownish-yellow.

Hi, Mom and Dad! (I've now rendered my blog the equivalent of a once-in-a-lifetime appearance in the background of the television coverage of the Macy's Day Parade. Just get me a parka and a posterboard sign).

Monday, January 2, 2006

my favorite blog posts

Apparently a great many people have come to my blog by searching for information on 1997 spelling bee chamption Rebecca Sealfon and ending up at this post.

I can't say that's my favorite blog post ever. I'd have to say these are some of my favorite blog posts:I am thinking of compiling a list of my favorite blog posts. If you find anything you like in my archives or you remember something but can't find it, please leave a note in the comments! Thanks!

(Retro photo of me by Eric Martin).

dear old Dartmouth

I've got mad crazy alumni press. Which has just slightly more cache than being featured in my family's Christmas newsletter (I got the cover of the Dziura Family Herald, beeyotch!)

Jennifer Dziura '00 Comedian Leads Spelling Bees with a Twist, Featured on GMA

exemplar of austere living

When I changed the graphic at the top of my site to say "exemplar of austere living," I was just being whimsical, which I suppose isn't very austere, but I meant it. I've switched from coffee to antioxidant-rich (but still caffeinated) chai, I went to Modell's and bought some dumbbells and carried them home on the subway, I have no online personal ads or active dating tentacles, I have been turning down free drinks at my shows, and I often manage to go to sleep directly after a long spate of work and wake up still having essentially the same train of thought. I'm currently drinking kefir (a probiotic yogurt beverage) with wheat germ, after which I will do some pushups.

I just thought you might like to know more about me since you are reading my blog.

Here is the original top graphic of this website. In 2004, a CBS casting agent told me over the phone that the photo on the right was "too naked" and that I was therefore ineligible to appear on Survivor.

Also, I once received a really weird email about that photo from someone who insisted that it would have to be re-shot with different lighting or whatever and "at the peak time of your fertility." That was kind of creepy. And possibly a contributor to my currently austere lifestyle.

Sarah never replies to my requests to shoot a photoset for Curve with her

From Sarah Silverman's interview on SuicideGirls by Daniel Robert Epstein:
DRE: What's coming up after Jesus is Magic?

Sarah: I'm in Rent. I'm shooting a movie called School for Scoundrels which is Todd Phillips/Scot Armstrong collaboration and my Comedy Central pilot is finished.

DRE: What is the Comedy Central series?

Sarah: I play that same kind of assholey Sarah Silverman. It's got great absurdity and a song in it.

DRE: Is there a plot?

Sarah: I need four AA batteries for the TV remote. So I can't change the channel and it's on this commercial for kids with leukemia. There's a wheelchair marathon which I at first think is an anti-leg rally. I peed my pants a little bit and I sing a song about that. Then a song about how I wish the world was a better place stuff.

Lasso of Truth meets Lucky Cheng's

There's some new stuff on the Wonder Woman blog, including Wonder Woman drag queens, vintage dolls, Spice Girls, celebrities, and progressive political activists.

all that vibrates is not gold

There's a new review up on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog.

Thanks to all of you who've been ordering sex toys! Enjoy your vibrating bullets and inflatable bondage chairs and disembodied women's torsos! BFF!

Sunday, January 1, 2006

I could increase my star power among the Magic: The Gathering set

From my college friend Rolf:
I think you should be in collectable Pokemon-style trading cards, then people could stage little battles.

Player 1: I bring out web-entrepreneur jen.

Player 2: Haha, I have *both* college-boxer jen and stand-up-comedienne jen! You will be easily defeated!

But then player 1 would play the espresso card to power-up web-entrepreneur jen and kick ass.

Also, the "freshman lesbian" jen would be a highly-sought-after Rare card.
The main message to take from this is that I have Madonna-like powers of self-reinvention, without the power to make any money or actually become famous. I win! Um, wait.

*BOB* was voted "best tits in NY" by the Village Voice

The spelling bee starts again in 2006 on Monday, January 9th. Beloved bee founder bobbyblue is on vacation -- filling in for him will be burlesque star The World Famous *BOB*. She is really famous and funny and very excited about doing this!

One-time only! Even if you can't spell at all, come watch this one.

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, January 9th

Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
No cover, open to all.

All the links your heart desires:
The World Famous *BOB*
The Williamsburg Spelling Blog
Pete's Candy Store (including a map to the bar)

my New Year's

I go to blog about my New Year's (at 4:30am!) and discover that Heath has already done it.

We had some fantastic hot dogs and absorbed as much They Might Be Giants as our nervous systems could tolerate. He proved hardier than I. Thanks for the invite, Heath!

The party I attended afterwards featured all three members of the Pyrate Sisters All-Girl Sideshow, all of whom casually ate fire in the living room.

jackie, oh!

Comic Jackie Cohen did my show a couple months ago. She wrote this Memo I Wish I'd Received (link from RKB), from her neighbor/ex-not-boyfriend. It is both heartbreaking and adorable. Adorably heartbreaking.

And while I'm linking to comics I like, Guilia Rozzi's frozen credit card has its own blog.
Keep Reading! Topics: Advertising Audio Cat Celebrities Class in America Consumer Affairs Dudes Economics Egg Donation
Fashion Feminism Fitness Grammar Humor Mideast Tour Mom New York Party Photos Touring Video


2007 Archives: December November October September August July June May April March February January
2006: December November October September August July June May April March February January
2005: December November October September August July June May April March February January