Back to Home Listen on MySpace Hire Jen Press Store Letters Vaudeville Spelling Comedy Writing Photos About Blog




Tuesday, February 28, 2006

After School Comedy Special tonight

Highlights from the show:

Matt McCarthy (who is white with red hair) did an amazing impression of Louis Armstrong beating a hooker. He had the voice down perfectly!

Josh Kaufman just got married. A friend had the nerve to ask him if his wife is hot. "No," he said. "She's gross but I'm with her 'cause she's good at math."

I will entertain you more soon, my darlings

My mother tried to put it delicately:

"I check your blog every day or every other day," she said, "to see how you're doing. I always know you're okay, and even if you're not okay, you blog about it. You even blogged after being hit by a cab! But when you don't blog at all, well...."

Her theory was that a cessation in blogging meant I was doing better than okay. And indeed I am.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

this is what I look like making the best of the flu onstage

Me hosting Laughing Liberally on Friday. Photo by Ryan Brenizer.

It's free and it's Monday

Here's where you can find me. At Pete's, with free candy and free comedy, where I'm usually sucking down a Java float and entertaining til I pop. 'Tis a small room, but there are those who love it.

Monday, February 27th
The After-School Comedy Special
This week's theme: Breakdancing Gives You Scoliosis
Pete's Candy Store
(L train to Lorimer -- see map)
7:30-9pm
Free

Featuring Becky Yamamoto, Josh Kaufman, Nick Cobb, Drew Wininger, and Matt McCarthy.

The After-School Comedy Special (formerly "Comedy Show & Tell") mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including free candy, and Mad Libs!


p.s. - I named that image "elvira.jpg"

Saturday, February 25, 2006

announcing ... the Deadly Venom Dutchmen (well, their clarinetist, anyway)

My BFF Megan is performing in the polka band that will grace the Jenny Vaudeville stage on March 8th. This photo was taken at Pete's after the spelling bee.


Secret Jenisfamous stylebook decoder:

pigtails = dirty hair

the Laughing Liberally report

Laughing Liberally last night went fantastically. I showed up:

1) fighting off the flu
2) in a miniskirt

...which about sums up my general approach to life.

The miniskirt got me a free livery cab ride the last few blocks to the show, as the driver pulled up to me at a stoplight and said something about my legs (I was wearing knit sweater-tights, but it doesn't take much to be the most scandalously-clad comedienne on a corner in the freezing cold). Normally, I wouldn't get in a strange man's car, but, well, it was a cab! He has a license and permit and stuff. Shut up. Stop lecturing me. You're not my mother.

Anyway.

I introduced four great performers (Bob Smith, Syd Bernstein, Jamie Jackson, and Benari Poulten); broke that totally extraneous fourth wall by taking the wireless mic with me as I climbed on the empty front row of chairs; and made jokes about South Dakota trying to ban abortion, Hillary Clinton's election prospects, liberal do-gooding (my excuse for going gay in college -- kind of like chaining yourself to a tree to protest logging), and Christopher Hitchens' encouraging neocons to protest in favor of Denmark's cartoon industry by showing up to the Danish Embassy in DC bearing signs that say "Buy Havarti" and "Buy LEGO" (What a way to send a strong message to the Islamic world! Should we avoid the build-your-own-minaret kit?)

Laughing Liberally is a great little show. Also, you should hire me to emcee stuff. I provide an extremely high level of service.

xo,
Jen

"You know how hard it is to get stage time in this town?"

I have a great love of performance pranks:

Angry Bob crashes an all-women comedy show

overhurdy

Saw a woman on the 6 train platform at Union Square playing the hurdy-gurdy.

"What's that instrument you have?" asked a man pushing a stroller.

"It's a hurdy-gurdy," she replied.

"A what?"

"Hurdy. Gurdy."

"Well, you're very good at it."

"Best one on this platform."

Friday, February 24, 2006

DayQuil, and then NyQuil

Am I destined to get the flu once a quarter? Doesn't that seem excessive?

photos from the Lucky Cat show with Nasty Canasta and Lord Carrett

Photos by Brian Van. Go here for the complete gallery.

Mint won the tell a Jen joke contest with her impeccable retelling of my "blowjob lips" joke. The other two contenders in the contest either forgot half the words, or added a whole lot more. Mint totally made everyone laugh and won (a DVD and a drink) by audience applause.

From Nasty Canasta's Catholic schoolgirl act. This girl is smart, funny, and, dare I say, perfectly put together. Not an unflattering picture of her anywhere.

When I import a star, I don't fuck around. I had to dress up just to open for this guy.

it didn't take any word-verification to get into your mom

Look, my contacts are ALWAYS foggy. I don't know. I blink constantly, and I have this special contact-cleansing solution that requires that my contacts be suspended vertically in a special Iron-Maiden-like case and doused in bubbling chemicals that have to be allowed to neutralize for at least four hours so my eyes don't get eaten away when I put the contacts back in. And my contacts are two-week disposables and I do change them regularly, although it doesn't seem to make a difference whether I've been wearing them daily for two days or three weeks. If you see me squinting really hard, it's to temporarily clear up my contacts. And it's not that I'm just being vain by wearing the problematic contacts; my glasses are so heavy I can't wear them for more than an hour.

So, am I the only one who really has a hard time with this?

I really can keep it to myself, really and truly

I just wrote this to a friend and colleague and thought it was worth repeating:
I meant to ask you -- how much do you care about this stuff? You can think of grammar, spelling, and diction on a scale of 0 to 100, with 0 being unreadable, and 50 being a high school dropout's casual notes tacked on the refrigerator, and 80 being most people's emails, and 90 being good enough ALMOST no one would notice any mistakes, and 95 being so close to perfect that only a real bitch like me would go pointing out a misuse of the subjunctive mood, and 100, of course, being perfect. I can provide any level of modification you desire (or none). I'm not trying to annoy the living shit out of people.
You know, I was seventeen when my high school boyfriend (he went to prep school and I went to public school, a source of some serious class-based resentment) corrected my use of the subjunctive. I had never heard of the subjunctive. I'm sure I brushed it off ("Oh, who cares, you know what I meant"), but a person doesn't forget such a thing. Oh, you prep school boys know when to say "were"? I'll do you one better. Eternally.

Police! That My Little Pony is trotting away with our prize saddle!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

CB's: the first installment of photos

Many more pictures coming, but these ones are already in a nice web gallery. Here are Semyon's photos from the Saturday night show at CB's Gallery with Lord Carrett, Nasty Canasta, Schaffer the Darklord, Bruce Cherry, and the Cucumbers. (Nasty is perfect -- just look at her!)

Look at me, just welcoming everyone to the show! I try to be festive, you know.


Jen hosts Laughing Liberally

I'm hosting Laughing Liberally tomorrow night. My Wonder Woman co-blogger Syd Bernstein will also be performing. Here's the info:

The Laughing Liberally Lab
@11PM
@ the 45th street theater
@ 354 W. 45th (btwn 8th and 9th), 2nd floor

$10 for admission and beer

Citibank, your mom's ASS is outsourced

Just before the big show, my credit card numbers were swiped and someone bought $1300 worth of crap on my card. The bank called to ask if I had been making large purchases in the wee hours of the morning, and when I said I had not, my account was frozen.

I just got my new card and called to activate it. I was eventually connected to a woman (I'm still on hold with her) with an unmistakable Indian accent who asked for my card number eight times before entering it correctly. Her English-language vocabulary seems to be made up entirely of the phrases "No problem, ma'am," "Just give me a minute," and "Please bear with me." She was completely unable to parse the sentence "I am trying to set up my online banking with my new card number, and I keep receiving an error message." ("You are trying to online revenue card computer bank now?")

At one point, she asked "How are you today?" and I said "Fine," and she replied in the most awkward way possible: "That sounds good."

I know that this is considered a good job in India, but this woman sounds just as miserable as she's making me.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

idioms

Did you ever think about why, when we want to express our desire to help others, we say "I'm at your disposal"?

Does that mean, "I will make you some flyers -- or, you can discard me at will!"

Or does it mean "I will feed your cat when you're away -- and then you can grind me up in your sink!"

What a confused expression.

Monday, February 20, 2006

two days past

Dear readers, fans, ex-lovers...

I still have laryngitis. I am, as planned, resting after the show, with which I am very pleased indeed. I will get to everyone's emails, voicemails, and small sealed packages of anthrax soon.

When I was in high school, I got full-on, Jen-muting laryngitis just before the big state debate tournament. I was afraid I'd have to back out, Michelle-Kwan-style. A friend told me that whisky with honey was a good laryngitis cure, but I didn't know where I'd ever get whisky (I was so far from a party-girl that I didn't even know anyone who knew anyone who could buy alcohol). Fortunately, my friend's slutty-with-a-heart-of-gold mom (really) stepped in and made me some hot tea with whisky and honey and sent it to school for me with my friend. I was so terrified that I'd be discovered with alcohol at school that, after downing some of this beverage in the girls' room, I put the rest of it, in a thermal mug, in my backpack so as to better hide it, but then it spilled, making my backpack smell of hot whisky, and utterly soaking my copy of Willa Cather''s My Antonia which, it turns out, we were turning back in to the school that day. When the teacher came around, I handed my copy back. She looked at me really funny, sniffed the area around my desk, and said nothing. I think she figured I deserved to go to college without a disciplinary record, even if I inexplicably stank of alcohol at 8:15 in the morning.

xo,

Jen

Sunday, February 19, 2006

CB's

The CB's show was an unmitigated success. When does one ever get to report an unmitigated success on a blog?

The crowd was almost entirely newcomers, so I was able to tell jokes to an audience who didn't already know the punchlines. The performers were brilliant, I felt satisfied that I did a good job warming up the crowd for Lord, Lord himself totally justified all the effort I put into making this happen, the show ran flawlessly, everyone laughed, people bought CDs, I remained completely sober, the show was a good length (with a break before the Cucumbers), all the performers met and complimented (one could also say "complemented," but I did mean "complimented") each other, lots of people were introduced to burlesque through Nasty's act, and I am satisfied as a producer.

I currently have a full-on case of laryngitis, but I am extremely pleased that my voice lasted throughout the show -- just a bit low and throaty and raspy -- before cutting out completely somewhere between the end of the show and the diner meal I ate around 1am during which I had to motion over the waiter and point to menu items. The waiter was very nice and brought me tea and an entire Honey Bear full of honey. I don't even like honey, but it's nice to have a sympathetic-looking man bring you a sympathetic-looking plastic bear.

What's next? Well, I'm not telling you. It's a secret.

Friday, February 17, 2006

the first Lord Carrett show is tonight

Lord arrived two nights ago. So far, in pictures...


A poster outside CBGB's.


This is not neccesarily how I would recommend communicating with your bartender, but if your bar is a chalkboard and the comedian at the bar has both chalk and a great competence at writing upside down .. well, you might get this.


Exhausted from sketching.

if you've had trouble hailing a cab, this might be why

Oh dear. It turns out that ugly people commit more crime. And average people commit more crime than really hot people.

I wonder if it's the effect of growing up attractive or ugly that does it, or one's current attractiveness. For instance, would a hot person who had always been hot commit less crime than a person who grew up ugly and then got hot later in life?

Would you be committing acts of discrimination if you started crossing to the other side of the street when you saw an ugly person walking towards you?

Or maybe it's articles like this that drive ugly people towards crime.

I (heart) u

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that said "I (heart) the Nation of Islam."

Doesn't that seem kind of weird? I think I'd expect something more like "I have solemnly dedicated myself to the Nation of Islam" or "The Nation of Islam will kick your ass."

I don't generally associate Malcolm X's religious organization with the sort of sentiment one sees used to indicate people's favorite dog breeds -- I (heart) Boston Terriers! I (heart) Shih Tzus!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

it all begins ... tomorrow

We're in the home stretch! If you see a man with Elvis hair striding purposefully through the East Village, that means Lord Carrett's in town.

Lord Carrett - Reality Television


Last night, on a comedy-club-and-diner tour, we ran into Washintonienne author Jessica Cutler, and I got to introduce two of the most famous people I know. If only Neal Pollack had walked in, the universe would've imploded.

Um ... come to the show! You already know that, dear readers.

   

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

all spoony for my blog readers

This is Dictionary.com's Word of the Day today:
spoony \SPOO-nee\, adjective:
1. Foolish; silly; excessively sentimental.
2. Foolishly or sentimentally in love.
Can you believe that that's a word, and that it means what it does? It's like you're spooning the whole world. I want there to be a word for when you feel like giving the entire world a raspberry, or when you feel like closing your eyes and smelling the whole world's hair.

more Lord Carrett for your pleasure


Lord Carrett - Sleep-F*cker


Of course, I've imported Lord to New York for your pleasure, but for those readers not in New York, go here to get Lord's CD and check out his touring schedule.

For those of you in New York, well, you lucked the fuck out. So excited for the show(s)! Come!
   

the rest of 2006

Hey there, readers. After the shows this Friday and Saturday, I'm going to be:
  • working on a book, and
  • planning a tour
So this Friday and Saturday's shows pretty much are my big events for 2006. Don't go expecting this kind of thing every weekend, you know? A girl's gotta stay home and write a pornographic memoir sometimes. So come out this weekend. If you want to say hello, I'll be very easy to find.

worst sex ever, mushrooms, handjobs, blogging, exes, surprise nostalgic affection, and the fate of black actors in Hollywood, all in one post

I went to the WYSIWYG show last night and ended up onstage, as one of Todd Levin's audience volunteers, reading a script that recreated one of Todd's worst-ever sexual experiences. I was a girl from college, Todd portrayed himself, and TAN portrayed Todd's Inner Monologue. The story was about a really overly aggressive handjob. I totally said "weiner" and "Turbo Hand Job Superblaster" on stage.

TAN was also one of the readers, and candidly titled his piece "The Time I Had Sex on Mushrooms." And then, he came home and posted it to his blog.

I was also the recipient of a completely unexpected, lifting-me-off-the-ground hug from an ex who managed to swoop in from some sort of oblique angle, which at the time was completely startling but now sort of makes me giggle. If I had been prepared, I'd have worn my leaden motorcycle boots, and replied, "Aha! I may look tiny, but I cannot be levitated on command!" Aww.

It was, incidentally, a total accident that TAN was cast as Todd's inner monologue (Todd just took the first two audience volunteers), but it sort of worked out exactly like a mainstream Hollywood movie, wherein a black person's sole job is to sagely provide a shadow-conscience for a white person, as in Million Dollar Baby, which I went to see because I like women's boxing, and then I started laughing in the theater as soon as I heard Morgan Freeman's totally overwritten dialogue, and then I spent the rest of the movie feeling kind of bad that someone couldn't write a part for Morgan Freeman wherein he has and pursues his own damn goals, boss-man and Hillary Swank be damned.

five years too late

I just now realized that Lance Bass's name is also a description of a really inefficient fishing method.

every time you read Life & Style, God kills a kitten

Word on the street (the "street" being the "internet") is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are breaking up, which is always very classy when the female half of the pair is some-odd eight months preggers. Thanks to Gawker for the even classier headline "TomKat to Kill Their Kittens?"

Of course, Gawker is just quoting Life & Style, which reports:
TomKat will keep up the charade through spring, living at Cruise’s Beverly Hills compound until the baby is born, at which point they’ll split. Cruise, always the gentleman, will buy Holmes a house nearby so that he can spend plenty of time with his little spawn....
Baby aside, I think it might be salubrious if normal people -- not just those excessively concerned with bad press -- developed complex, multi-phased breakup plans. I was once in a long, drawn-out breakup (we lived together, broke up at the beginning of the month, and continued living together til the end of the month when one of us moved, after which help was provided in the move itself, followed by a tapering off of contact to the eventual frequency and depth of one-line-emails-on-birthdays-only), and thought how odd it would have been to have done it some drastically more abrupt way. Once I read some kind of Wiccan website (I like to think I've seen everything on the internet) that contained a tale of people holding a sort of solmen breakup ceremony, in which they honored the good things about their relationship and did a lot of stuff with candles, because you know Wiccans love their candles.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

announcing: the Jenisfamous joke-impersonation contest

At the After-School Comedy Special last night, I joked that after filming my hour-long DVD at Pete's, my Williamsburg crowd had heard all my jokes -- in fact, some people have the jokes memorized.

I joked that I should have a contest to do the best retelling of one of my much-told (I prefer "classic") jokes.

After the show, a few audience members suggested that they really, really wanted me to actually do this. So, it's happening. At the Lucky Cat show.

Contestants get thirty seconds to do their best retelling (roasting? mocking?) of one of my jokes. The winner gets a copy of my DVD, plus I'll buy him or her a drink. I seem to already have four advance entries (including Miss Molly Crabapple, who, after illustrating my jokes for the book, has them quite memorized). I'll certainly cut off entries (6-8 at 30 seconds each?) before this gets ridiculous.

Please be advised that I am aware that this is an incredible act of narcissism, and when I originally made the suggestion, I was joking, and doing so in a self-deprecating manner.

After one audience member expressed his desire to compete in this contest, I was walking away and he said "That's what I've got, that's what I've got," and I my knees nearly buckled. I do say that, basically incessantly.

If you, too, plan to be at the Brooklyn show and wish to compete, email me (jen@jenisfamous.com)

xo,
Jen

a haiku about my travails in obtaining some goddamn copies

Kinko's proved useless;
Switching to Staples was worse.
Xerox my ass, bitch.

my ink-stained powerhouse

Molly said something astute today:
"I hate it when people say 'I'm not good at marketing.' Marketing isn't something you're good at, it's just something you do. That's like saying 'I'm not good at sit-ups.' That's irrelevant; you do it regardless."
This, of course, is why my girl is working for the Wall Street Journal when her peers are still slacking through art school and getting high.

(On an only slightly related note, I have still never seen Molly in pants, ever. But the blizzard has forced her to wear some more practical footwear. I should start a calendar: Pinup Girls Trudging Through Snow!)

VH-1's "Can't Get a Date"


Here, finally, is that VH-1 show that I was filmed for, but almost certainly cut from.*

The story, in brief, is that I was brought on as an "expert" in how to be witty on a date. I imagined I'd coach some awkward guy, but instead I ended up having a very brief conversation on film (with no advance preparation or briefing) with a girl who seemed pretty smart and witty, so I felt basically unnecessary; we talked a bit about flirting. The girl was also trucked in to the spelling bee to try to meet a smart guy, but she didn't end up meeting anyone there, so that was almost certainly cut from the show as well.

Ah, well. Despite the ease of purchasing a self-aggrandizing URL, fame is, as ever, elusive.

*Not only did I end a sentence with a preposition, I ended TWO independent clauses with prepositions.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I have clocked over two miles on foot in the snow today and it's just 3:30

Near the subway at 96th Street, I saw a sign in a store window advertising berries at two boxes for $4.00, so I stepped inside and discovered that the place was a small but lovely produce shop, appetizingly-decorated and full of fruit, greenery, and dried fruits and nuts. And I, master of diction and style, said to myself quite distinctly: Dude, it's like a fuckin' farm in here!

Has the city really toughened me up that much?

the show must go on

As an event producer, I must say that I sincerely hope that this blizzard quiets down.

Molly's show last night was a great success, although she was exhausted by the end, and I spent the evening perched on a metal staircase (in a pinup-girl dress) selling merchandise and raffle tickets. As I explained to a few people who inquired about my role, Molly and I trade slave labor.

So, what's happening this week? On Monday, there's an After-School Comedy Special, which will be the last little show before the big show. If you'd like to buy your Lord Carrett tickets in person from me, you may do so at Monday's show and avoid the little Ticketweb surcharge. Or, just buy them online and still save a couple of bucks over the door price.

On Friday, I will open for Lord Carrett at the Lucky Cat in Williamsburg. The Lucky Cat is a smaller, darker, sexier space, and the show will run promptly from 9pm to 11pm. I'll host and do some standup, and I'll likely pull out one of the pieces of my CD, probably something a little bit dirty. Nasty Canasta, whom I invited to perform because she is so damn inventive and funny (she has a strip act that she performs to a recording of a car alarm going off!), will do a couple of numbers. And then headliner Lord Carrett will come on out. He won't be the only guy in Brooklyn with a pompadour ;)

On Saturday is the big show at CB's Gallery, in which Lord, Nasty, and I will be joined by Bruce Cherry of Air America Radio, retro-pop band The Cucumbers, and a special (also with "Lord" in his name) comic musical guest. That show will begin at 9 (doors at 8) and run into the night, with the Cucumbers closing the show. If you're coming to see me, I'll be hosting, so don't worry, you can't miss me.

It has been a busy time, and now a snowy one, but I have faith in the snow abating, in your assiduous pursuit of entertainment, in Lord's plane arriving safely, and in the power of comedy (and of a goddamn fuckload of style).

For a goddamn fuckload of style ... here's Lord from his recently-concluded European tour.


lordoflaughs.com

Monday, Feb. 13th: Unicorns are Real at the After-School Comedy Special

Here's my last little show before the big show...
Monday, February 13th
The After-School Comedy Special
This week's theme: Unicorns are Real!
Pete's Candy Store (L train to Lorimer -- see map)
7:30-9pm
Free

Featuring Jenny Rubin, Katina Corrao, Wes Connelly, Angry Bob, and Josh Grosvent.

The After-School Comedy Special (formerly "Comedy Show & Tell") mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including free candy, and Mad Libs!

Here's a photo montage from the last show on January 30th, when the candy store was veritably rocked by Shawn Hollenbach, Andrew Wright, Baron Vaughn, Carolyn Castiglia, Victor Varnado, and Liz Miele.

you'd really have to remember the commercial to get it

A guy on MySpace came up with this:

"It's not delivery, it's Dziura!"

are you that girl?

MySpace has a serious bug. I am constantly getting other people's messages in my inbox. The messages will even quote the person that the message was supposed to be sent to, and then will contain the sender's reply, and then the entire thing is sent to me, with incriminating links to both parties. About half the time, the sender realizes that this has happened and writes to say "sorry" or "nevermind." Here's the latest:
... she isnt into comics, people in wierd costumes, and nerd watching? she doesnt sound that great...

xxx

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: xxx
Date: Feb 10, 2006 11:08 AM

i might not be able to go to comic con.
i want to spend some time with this girl

Saturday, February 11, 2006

sex toys for your bad case of class resentment

I have posted a new review to the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog. Enjoy "The Rich Bitch Doll." I mean, if you have $51.25 and are aroused by fornicating with something that looks like a pool toy with tits.

Just click on this strategically-cropped image!

official endorsement

Dear friends,

You should hire Aeric of D|A Photography before he gets so super-famous that he won't take your calls. His contact information is right on the front of his website. If you have a band or an album or a show to promote or your kitten is adorable or you are working on a modeling career or you want to look all model-like for your own edification, I'm sure he'll make it happen.

Bring your own apple.

Jen

the auto-rebound button

A friend and I were talking about the online personals and how, apparently, the sites now have all these new, MySpace-like features -- instead of just having a profile and looking at other people's profiles, you can join interest groups, and collect your friends in various networks, and see who's a friend of your friend, because God forbid you date anyone who hasn't already been seen naked by someone you've seen naked.

One important feature of online personals is the ability to take your profile down when you find someone nice. Now, if you've really found someone, like you're going to get married, you could delete the profile entirely. However, if you've just been on a handful of nice dates and want to give it a shot with that person, you might merely want to hide the profile, not delete it, so you could put it back up when that person turns out to have a stuffed-and-mounted contraband collection of severed human hands, or syphilis.

And then my friend suggested that the personals could offer a new feature: an auto-rebound button.

Assuming you had found your old dating partner on the site such that his or her data was stored, you could simply go back online and hit the auto-rebound, and the site would automatically match you up with others who were suspiciously similar to your old dating partner. Auto-rebound!

new photos by Aeric Meredith-Goujon

Damn those stockings! Damn them to hell!



I am totally using my education, totally!

You know, comedy isn't curing cancer or anything, and every once in awhile I meet someone who's like "I've spent the last eight years attempting to isolate the such-and-such gene in mice to something something allele fusion zygote DNA endoplasmic reticulum CURE CANCER." And I'm all like "Cool. What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?"

Seriously, though, a guy came to my show at Pete's last week and found me afterwards to say that he had grown up in Williamsburg but hadn't been back in awhile and he was visiting because his mother had cancer, and some comedy really cheered him up.

Alright, nevermind, that's still not curing cancer.

C-Vink goes all Stephen King

Carolyn Castiglia sent out an ad for a show that said:
I will be singing a new song in Dutch, possibly wearing a prom dress, possibly covered in pig's blood. Not real pig's blood. Has anybody seen Carrie? I might just be doing a dance from First Wives Club. Either way, it will be worth watching.
(Anybody else ever make you feel like a slacker for just telling some jokes?) Visit her site for details.

comedy on iTunes

From CNN: Did you hear the one about comedians becoming a hit on Apple's iTunes?

How fantastic. This kind of fits with my overall theory that people like to laugh more than they like being told where to sit.*

If you search iTunes for "jennifer dziura," you'll get my now-sold-out comic spoken word album, including seventeen minutes of responses to the fake ad I posted on Craigslist casual encounters.

*Generally the case in comedy clubs.

Friday, February 10, 2006

technical support

Blogger (as in blogger.com, the service I use to tell you all the lovely things I have to tell you) has been broken all damn day.

I wanted to blog to you but I was like I was trapped in a bubble, or paralyzed, or locked in a padded room of no blogging. Nevermind my email and phone and ability to get up and engage in public discourse in person. Trapped!

I feel as though Blogger has stolen our time together, like when you're dating someone and his or her evil mother makes you sleep in separate rooms even though you're nearly thirty. Like that. Blogger, today, is the evil mother trying to keep us apart.

Thursday, February 9, 2006

isn't it cute when we write headlines l-i-k-e t-h-i-s?

Someone is planning to sue over a spelling bee! From CNN: F-U-R-I-O-U-S over spelling bee ruling.

Update: This situation was resolved without litigation. To what is this fine nation coming?

this Saturday night, you've got a date with Molly

At Molly's art opening this Saturday night, she's going to be raffling off this piece:

It's called "The Secret of True Love."

How sweet for such a normally sardonic artiste.

The show also features free Original Sin Cider. Here's the show info. I'll be there, costumed for Valentine's Day and working the merch table. If you can't drop a cool $400 on a Crabapple original, I'll have mugs, mirrors, shirts, and more goodies. (Also a good place to pick up Lord Carrett tix in person -- it's like the Jenisfamous box office).

do not be an impertinent musical saxophone person

I should like to point you towards a charming but assertive etiquette lesson from Jenny Vaudeville alumni The Two Man Gentleman Band.

"Since publishing our first Lesson in Etiquette," writes Andy Bean, "our lives generally and musical performances specifically have been most pleasantly devoid of the impertinent interruptions described therein. Our conclusion? The people must read our electronic missives and adjust their behavior accordingly! What a pleasant surprise."

remember those commercials, "I have a headache THIIIIS big"?

The World Famous *BOB*, regretfully, had to cancel her appearance at my show last night, citing "the non-stop stripper's chest cold."


"Wow," I said. "That must be one big chest cold."

good morning, blog

Oh, my dears, my lovelies,

Can I tell you how grateful I am for my life? I am grateful that after a failed company, a stolen car, a bootstrapped move to New York, and other indignities best glossed over in this post, I have a comedy career and I live in New York and people show up to see my shows and, despite hours a day spent on public transportation, from job to job to show to far-uptown abode, I always somehow press forward; even my metabolism has sped up, and the cold I used to find enervating and unbearable is now just "bracing" as some interal motor runs and burns and heats itself, and when I'm carrying a passel of unusual objects and the subway is standing-room-only and my knee has been busted up from a cab, I simply look down at the soft and squishy souls on the bench and think to myself "You, mere mortals, grow weak, while I am building monumental thigh muscles which someday will allow me to defeat you and your clan in battle."

I'm grateful for diners and diner counters, where one can sit alone and unbothered, without taking up too much space, and I'm even grateful for the Spanish-omelet-and-cup-of-soup special of which I availed myself today, because those were just the items I wanted, but I would have considered it too extravagant to order them separately.

And I'm grateful that the universe can just bump me with a cab -- give me a split-second glimpse into bright-yellow oblivion -- and then say "Oh, not you, not yet -- but watch yourself, woman!"

The universe has been like a kid who punches me in the arm and runs away.

Okay, in the knee.

I was never good at metaphors.

xo,
Jen

riddle me this

After the Jenny Vaudeville Show last night, El Orangina -- privately and unrelated to his act -- told the following joke:

Q: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

A: The Holocaust.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

TONIGHT: The Jenny Vaudeville Show

The Jenny Vaudeville Show
WEDNESDAY NIGHT, February 8th

10pm
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer Street in Williamsburg
Free!

Featuring:
  • Comedic Mexican wrestler El Orangina
  • Burlesque star The World Famous *BOB* (pictured)
  • Monolgue artist Syd Bernstein
  • Old-timey music from Al Duvall
  • Adira Amram!
  • Plus, as always. prizes for audience-participation contests in trivia, math tricks, and "guess the author"!

Directions to Pete's: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete's is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.

click to enlarge this motherf*cker

February 17th: Lord Carrett at the Lucky Cat


For those of you in the 'burg, Lord Carrett will be doing a Brooklyn show the night before the big Manhattan show at CBGB's.

Friday, February 17th
The Lucky Cat
245 Grand between Driggs & Roebling
9pm - $10

This show will feature a comedy set by me (probably something a little dirtier than the CB's show -- I think I'm going to do a piece off my now-sold-out CD) and burlesque performances by Nasty Canasta (pictured).

So, here's what I've got for you, baby...
  • Friday, February 17th: Lord at the Lucky Cat (with Jen and Nasty Canasta), 9pm, $10 at the door (link to Lucky Cat site)

  • Saturday, February 18th: Lord at CB's Gallery (with The Cucumbers, Jen, Bruce Cherry, and Nasty Canasta), 9pm, $12 in advance or $15 at the door (link to more info)

the dentally-obsessed

Subscribers to my newsletter received a new video yesterday. One subscriber writes:
Dear Ms. Famous,

The Improv video leads me to the conclusion that you might actually have teeth.

Thanks for sharing.
I sigh inside. Here is a photo that proves I do have teeth:

You have to catch me actually laughing. I never smile like that when posing for photos. Can't a person smile introvertedly?

On a totally different note, tonight is the Jenny Vaudeville Show (10pm at Pete's Candy Store). Want a preview? Go to Adira Amram's MySpace page and hear her white-girl rap song "Wanna Make Out."

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Friends of Hillary

I've said it before and I'll say it again -- every time I get a fundraising email from Hillary Clinton's campaign, it comes from "Friends of Hillary," which I think sounds really unfortunately like "Friends of Dorothy."

That name rather implies that Hillary's supporter base is made up almost entirely of "confirmed bachelors."

the best-behaved religion award goes to....

So you know how Muslims have been blowing shit up over some Danish cartoons containing offensive depictions of Muhammad? Quoth Gawker:
So you know those caricatures of Mohammed... the ones that prompted the State Department spokeman to say, “We find them offensive, and we certainly understand why Muslims would find these images offensive”? (We thought part of that whole spreading-Democracy idea would include, say, pointing out that free speech is a good thing and cartoon-based arson is a bad thing. But, then, we’re not Republicans, so clearly we misunderstand.)
Well, here's something offensive, but I've yet to see any Jews setting beverage plants on fire over this:

"Also available in a low-carb Sugar Free variety!"

Possible new slogans:

"Why bother to learn Hebrew... just drink Hebrew!"

"You thought you had to be a Jewish male over 40 to study Kabbalah? Forget that -- you can 'study' at any Duane Reade in town for just $2.49!"

"Staying inside and studying the Torah makes you fat -- slim down with our sugar-free Kabbalah beverage!"

"Judiasm requires work! Instead, drink whatever crap Madonna tells you to drink!"

"Kabbalah Energy Drink -- don't pop the top on Shabbat!"

Monday, February 6, 2006

Midnight at Pete's Candy Store (and on MySpace)

I put all new sound clips on my MySpace, including "The History of Philosophy in 90 Seconds."

All the clips are off my new, soon-to-be-released DVD (cover at right), which I'd like to dearly thank Gary Winter for filming.

Listen to some comedy from the DVD

the guilt aisle at the grocery store

I was looking for my Melitta #4 unbleached coffee filters on FreshDirect and, just as I was about to click "Buy," I saw this:


If You Care. Oh, by the way, if you care ... BUY THIS ONE, YOU SOCIAL-CONSCIOUSNESS-LACKING BITCH.

Are those not the most passive-aggressive coffee filters you've ever seen?

The Baroness and balloon bondage

Tonight I modeled a little pink latex outfit at a show for The Baroness. A party guest who spent most of his time on the ground -- and, in fact, carried with him a flyer advertising his services as a slave boy, including "crawling like a worm at ladies' feet" -- followed me around and stared at my shoes for the better part of the evening.

Another woman who was modeling was actually kicking people and pulling their hair and making them say humiliating things; while I can be imperious, I also, rather girlishly, feel compelled to be nice to people and to try to spare their feelings. On the other hand, other people got themselves tied up to each other and to various objects including enormous balloons, something I have too much gravitas to do on stage under any circumstances. I'm not a dominant or a submissive; I am an island.

After the Baroness warned worm-boy to call her "Baroness" and not "Mistress," I considered demanding that he call me "Fairy Princess," but then I forgot about it. Male submissives, for me, induce only apathy and ennui.

The outfit was nifty (here are some of the designs the models wore), and Jess, who persuaded me to do the show, was a delight. At one point she ended up with her hands though a donut-shaped balloon, which was then inflated around her wrists, creating "balloon bondage." This was novel, despite having virtually no application to actual sex.

Sunday, February 5, 2006

Jessica Cutler is my crush of the week

In response to some sanctimonious hatemail, Jessica writes:
No man has ever made me feel so degraded as the women who call themselves feminists and write catty critiques of my sex life. At least a man will buy me dinner before he fucks with me, but women are seldom so courteous to each other.

it might be fun to turn 100 vibrators on at once, but the batteries would be expensive

In November, I blogged about a vibrator on sale on Amazon for sixty-nine cents, and how, if one were to purchase seventy-three of them (to meet the $50 minimum), one could even receive free shipping.

In December, I blogged about actually having ordered ten of these vibrators and having given one away as a prize at the Jenny Vaudeville Show. (The vibrator was won in the "Math-Off" competition by a perplexed Syd, my Wonder Woman blog co-blogger, who, two weeks later, re-gifted it (in its original bubble wrap) at my Re-Gifting Show, where it was adopted by a woman who, in coming up to the stage to select a gift, explained "I like bubble wrap").

And now (link from Nichelle) -- I am not the only one who saw the less-than-a-dollar vibrators for sale on Amazon and felt the need to buy in bulk! Welcome to ... 100dildos.com.

Since I'm on the topic, I might as well end with a plug (no, not the kind with the ponytail)....

Support a comedian!
Visit the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog,
and buy your sex toys here:


Click it, click it good.

whatever happened to asking nicely?

Comic Brad Aldous ended one of his mass emails with:
If you would like off this list, just videotape yourself performing an explanation why in the style of Kabuki Theater and send it to me at:

123 Not-Gonna-Happen Street
NY, NY 99999
I really want someone to actually do this and flabbergast* him.

*Can "flabbergast" take a direct object?

p.s. - Your mom "takes a direct object."

Sarah Jessica ouch

From a friend:
On your recommendation, I've thus far worked my way through the first season of Sex And The City -- and you're absolutely right about it being lifestyle porn, suggesting that, yes, you, too, can have scads of free time in which a circle of friends confide in you and invite you to parties or put you up for the weekend at their beach house when you're not kicking back in your fabulous apartment with whichever member of the opposite sex you're taking out for a spin this week. Or spending the night at his place. Or just going for long walks in the park. Or checking out the latest exhibit at the art gallery. Or getting into the exclusive new club that just opened up. Or whatever.

Oh, and you're right the rest, too: it otherwise seems to boil down to the predictable adventures of an unattractive woman, which I guess is reassuring to women who'd like to think of themselves as smart and pretty -- and they show Kim Cattrall's breasts often enough, possibly for men who've been roped into watching it alongside their significant others.  As I don't need my looks or brains validated, and don't happen to be a breast man, that leaves me with the exact conclusion you'd anticipated: wow, look, she's shopping for expensive shoes again.

very specific culturally-bound humor for you all

This Brokeback Mountain parody is extremely funny.

Saturday, February 4, 2006

mark your calendars ... and somebody get me a magical glitter pony

I've been working assiduously on the February 18th show. Plus, I have a new comedy DVD which will soon be available on Filmbaby.com! Barely sleeping, barely eating, still without the haircut I've been trying to schedule for four months, hobbling up and down subway steps as though being chased by a bear (the bear... of failure!) But I really just want to entertain you.

A few notes, apropos to nothing:
  • I told Molly my new diet plan: eat nothing but prosciutto and blackberries -- but you can eat all you can afford!

  • I'm surprised no one has yet written an aspirational spouse-hunting manual and called it "Up-Dating!" Eww.

  • A friend commented that she wished guys wouldn't always want to get serious with her. I'm not looking for love! she said. I want to tell them "I don't like love! Did you read it on my comma-separated Friendster list of 'Things I Like'? No!"

  • I've discovered that I like Wensleydale, the cheese. But doesn't "Wensleydale" sound exactly like something some yuppie asshole would name his kid? Wensleydale, time for polo!
New photo by Frank Petronio.

Related posts:
the North Shore diet involves rowing a 14-foot boat...
when we hit ten million visitors I will...

context clues

Awww ... Warren Ellis quoted part of my Sleazegrinder interview on his quite excellent blog.

It's funny, when you take that quote out of context ("Men find everything about me intimidating ... I can crush you utterly") it sounds like maybe that's just something I would blog, instead of a direct answer to the question "Have you found that men find funny women intimidating?" (The interview is here).

For instance, if I ask you, out of absolutely nowhere, "Are you a heroin-ravaged puppy-abuser?" and you reply "I am not a heroin-ravaged puppy-abuser," then I'm clearly the one being weird.

But if the next day you are quoted in the press as saying "I am not a heroin-ravaged puppy-abuser," well, now it kind of sounds like you have something to hide.

Friday, February 3, 2006

anorexic-chic in the cold in Bryant Park

It's Fashion Week. Gawker made a funny:
If all else fails, you can just take a piece of Fashion Week home with you and abduct yourself a 14-year-old model — the poor thing is so confused already (Where am I? This isn’t Dubrovnik!), she’ll hardly put up a fight.
I'm a little over Fashion Week -- remember last time when they had an official toilet?

That's a clear-cut, swishing, flushing case of sponsorship gone too far. Once, the Boston Marathon had an "official erector set," but that was kind of cute.

well then, why even bother fighting crime?

In contrast to the check forger who couldn't spell, these burglars broke into a school and correctly did some third-grade math homework.

Norwegians are such goody-two-shoes.

dodge this!

I'm on Dodgeball, which is an extremely geographically and culturally-specific service that allows groups of friends to text-message the service with their location (generally in bars, at night) and have their friends be notified, and to similarly receive notifictions of their friends' whereabouts, so that everyone might meet up. Additionally, if users don't have enough friends or are interested in hooking up with anything with two legs and the ability to use SMS, they can elect to be notified of the whereabouts of friends-of-friends or even complete strangers.

I was peer-pressured into joining (if I reject your Dodgeball friend request, it's just because I don't need any more Dodgeball, not because I don't like you) and was rewarded by having my phone buzz all night while I'm sitting at home, in my pajamas, on my computer, in my apartment in East Harlem, conditions which are not at all conducive to spontaneously joining people at Lolita bar.

Now, I am striking back by Dodgeballing in from fun places at noon, when all those other people are at their day jobs.

@Central Park
@The Guggenheim
@naptime, bitches!

code name: coquette-a-tron!

1 a.m. on the 6 train and I'm delirious with exhaustion. The train is pulling up to my stop when a tall, young black guy with a nice smile asks me about my enormous eyelashes.

"They're not real," I say.

"I know," he says. "Are you a supermodel in the day or something?"

"No," I say -- and then the delirium starts talking -- "I'm a superhero. I flutter my eyelashes and evildoers flee!"

And then I got off the 6 train, and faithfully reported this occurrence back to you.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

spelling fights crime!

Or, rather, proofreading fights crime! Or, criminals can't spell! Or something. From this AP Story:
Julie Kay Russo, 32, was arrested Monday on 20 forgery counts after she tried to pass an allegedly forged payroll check at the S & S Superstop. The store clerk became suspicious when he noticed the word "independent" in the business name was spelled incorrectly as "indapendent."

not that I am not still an exemplar of austere living, with my pullup bar and flaxseeds

So, I've gone and done a bit of new web designing. The old header was too white. Not that I'm not also very white (like the pot calling the ... no, um ... like the sugar dish calling the half & half white...yes, that's it). You put me on a white background, I basically disappear. In HTML color, I'm something like #FCFBF3.

For those web-header archivists out there, here are the last three headers of Jenisfamous.com, in chronological order:






Related post:
exemplar of austere living

I also blogged the very first time I ran an entire mile

In the past decade, I have cooked up many an egg with all manner of vegetables, meats, and cheeses, and most of those concoctions have been tasty. However, I am an aesthete, and this is my first perfectly-formed omelet:


It contained sliced turkey and Gruyere.

fashion nightmare

Dear girl who is wearing metallic cowboy boots with a ballet skirt with exposed trouser socks with bare knees in February,

Are you aware that you are wearing metallic cowboy boots with a ballet skirt with exposed trouser socks with bare knees in February?

You were also wearing a fur coat.

Yes, you.

Amazing. Bad-amazing. So much so that I surreptitiously took your picture on the 6 train.

The tops of knee socks are not supposed to be visible unless you are a schoolgirl, or wearing a dirty-schoolgirl costume. They are certainly not meant to peek out from mid-calf cowboy boots. And I know that now we have gay cowboys, but even gay cowboys would not wear weird gay-cowboy half-boots. And not with fur coats. At least not outside the tents on the prairies where they make gay cowboy love.

This looks like what happens when Williamsburg meets Strawberry and starts turning tricks to buy more Li'l Kim ringtones.

Better luck next time!

xo
Jen

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

...would you hold it against me?

From my friend Blair:
You could, if you want, tell everyone you meet that you "have a body that can just about stop a cab."
Related post:
midnight

Saturday, February 18th: Jenisfamous presents LORD CARRETT


I now present to you ... my biggest show ever, and the followup to my 100+ person birthday spectacular at CB's last December.

This time, I'm bringing you the one and only, the great ... Lord Carrett, radio star and rockabilly comedy icon, making his New York debut.

You'll also get a comedy set from me, and a set from Bruce Cherry (Air America Radio, Jest Magazine, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn).

Also on the bill is burlesque hottie Nasty Canasta (pictured), shaking her moneymaker.


All this is only $12
Buy tickets here to get the advance price

Borat

You must watch Ali G's performance -- in an American country-western bar -- of Borat's "Throw the Jew Down the Well" song.

Those people singing along are not doing so ironically. You have to see the lady at the bar who puts her fingers on top of her head to indicate horns.
Keep Reading! Topics: Advertising Audio Cat Celebrities Class in America Consumer Affairs Dudes Economics Egg Donation
Fashion Feminism Fitness Grammar Humor Mideast Tour Mom New York Party Photos Touring Video


2007 Archives: December November October September August July June May April March February January
2006: December November October September August July June May April March February January
2005: December November October September August July June May April March February January