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Friday, March 31, 2006

Will you love her if you're rich? Or if you're poor, and in a ditch?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

a comic's life, in photos

At least the life of a comic who plays Methodist churches in Jersey. Damn skippy.

Photos by Ryan Brenizer.

I was going to write captions, but they're not really necessary, are they?

(Look at those jeans! Since when do I have hips?)

he's b-a-a-a-c-k

Linguists, attack! (Scroll down for the sender's first misdirected message).
lolz im not saying tat we lik each other it this other girl tat asked me tat lol y u thought i ment us cuz i didnt lol lol we r jus lol right???????? lol o0o i want u 2 see my new pic cuz tat pic is lik fucking 2year old lol aight
Can you pluralize the abbreviation for "laugh out loud"? And are "that" and "just" such intimidatingly long words that they, too, must be abbreviated?

This gentleman's romantic and lexicographical lives provide no end to speculation.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

hear my husband-to-be on the radio this Friday!

Visit to find out if your area gets the Bob & Tom show.

p.s. - I wouldn't marry him if he weren't funny.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

MySpace is still broken

MySpace keeps accidentally depositing messages that are not intended for me into my mailbox. Even though this message was written for someone else, my respect for the English language requires me to de-friend this person:
o so wut the fuck happen lol u going out with him lol son i need 2 ask something lets say i we liked each other put u no how u live in L.A & i live in NY lolz iz tat stuped lolz lolz lolz lolz anywayz im not gonna ask her i started 2 think imma jus hat her 4 the rest of my life looooooooooooooolz
Oh, isn't that romantic? No, actually, I'm really asking; I can't tell.

High Executive "Beaurau"

I received the following spam purporting to be from, but in actuality intended to steal the passwords of the small subset of people who both have accounts and substantial developmental delays:
"In order to maintain the integrity of the entire system, our crew members is running an data base update . This decision was taken by the High Executive Beaurau of and it should be followed by all of it's customers."
Our crew members is? An data base update? And nevermind the "its" versus "it's" -- what kind of company has a "High Executive Beaurau"? Sounds very 1984.

Even the "it" and "it's/its" in the last sentence have some antecedent-related problems.

The High Executive Beaurau of this blog has taken an decision for you to sending us money directly and it should be followed by all of it's readers.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

left coast

I spent this past week in LA, where I saw the Thai Elvis. Quoth Citysearch: "You are now entering the Thai-light Zone."

It was chilly in LA, but my heart brims over with warm cotton candy.

Friday, March 24, 2006

motivational mantra of the eve

"Getting drunk and fucking shouldn't keep you from being successful. It didn't stop Mick Jagger."

- Molly Crabapple

Sunday, March 19, 2006

of course, I closed with the joke about having to "powder your nose"

That was also the first time I'd played a church. The audience was appreciative and laughing in the right spots, but overall, of course, it was a quiet, totally sober, coffee-drinking bunch. I'm pretty sure I remember saying "I like you, you're a very polite crowd. I have a feeling that if you wanted to heckle, you'd raise your hands and wait to be called on."

Me with the "Ten Commandments of Courtesy."
Photo by Ryan Brenizer

Saturday, March 18, 2006

New Jersey Transit is all in a day's work

Tonight I opened for Full Frontal Folk at an event called "Coffee with Conscience" in New Jersey. Here's a little impromptu bit I'll never get to do again:
"You know, I had a long day today, and on the train on my way here, I actually had the thought I wonder if there'll be coffee? Look, don't laugh -- you can't always tell from the first word of the event what kind of beverages will be available. Like that one time I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. Those people are NO FUN ... and they DON'T TAKE SUGGESTIONS WELL."

Friday, March 17, 2006

my theme of the past couple of weeks

It is totally easier to produce a wedding than a comedy show.


Syd writes:
I saw a t-shirt in the window of a store that told onlookers that the wearer is "cute." And here I thought we were all capable of determining someone's cuteness without consulting t-shirts. The weird thing is, though, that it was pre-faded. I think it was meant to make people think that you used to be cute.

the temporal life of a comic

So, months ago, I was asked to do 30 minutes of comedy at a benefit for kids with cancer that would take place next Saturday night at 7pm, in Brooklyn.

Then, I was asked by Chicks & Giggles to do a comedy show at Columbia University for Women's History Month, also at 7pm, and at Columbia, which is the exact opposite of "near Brooklyn."

But I really want to do both, so I work it out that I can go on early at one show and late at another and cab it in between. Settled. Expensive, but settled.

Then, Columbia moves the Chicks show to 10pm, which seems much better, so now I'm relaxed about the in-between travel.

Then, I discover that a rather important work-related event is occurring at 7pm ... in Queens.

I know there is only the slimmest chance that I could attend the work event 7-8, cab it to the benefit by 8:20, go on around 8:30 or 8:45, get out by 9:30, and cab it to Columbia by 10, but I ask the organizer of the benefit anyway if he knows my stage time, and he says:

We're going to have to postpone, because the hostess has cancer.

To reiterate:

A benefit for kids with cancer has been postponed because the hostess has cancer.

So, um, I'm going to work, and then to the Chicks & Giggles show at Columbia.

Um ... a benefit for kids with cancer has been postponed because the hostess has cancer.

My mind is blown.


My husband-to-be said, in one context or another, that I could have anything I wanted, so I said I wanted a wombat.

A wombat ... covered in glitter!

I followed up by claiming to have invented a new animal: the Glitterbat!

I arrived home to this in my inbox:

Glitterbat: The Secret to Marital Bliss!

Click to enlarge the glitterbat!!!

Have I ever been this excited?


Thursday, March 16, 2006

yes, I know I'm a comedian, but I really am getting married, no funny-ha-ha

My intended and I discovered today that we have compatible taste in bread; I love the crusts at the ends, and he hates them. So I don't have to share crusts! I love crusts. I will take the crusts off the bread and dip them in straight butter and eat nothing else. Or, oh my god, I think toasted raisin bread crust with butter may be my very favorite food. And I get them all, muhahahahaha! My pre-marital bliss continues unabated!

A Korean friend of mine once told me that, in Korea, the end of a loaf of bread is called the "mother-in-law," because no one wants it.

Not that my intended has a problem with my mother. I'm the weird one who likes crusts.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

February 18th CB's Gallery Show with Lord Carrett

Watch it on video, on the New York Minute podcast!

Click to watch!

I had laryngitis that night -- you can hear my voice nearly giving out -- it's raspy during my set; I'm losing entire words. By the time I introduced Lord, it was practically gone, and it did in fact give out right after the show. We hit a diner afterwards and I was entirely mute; I had to call over the waiter and point to menu items. I ordered tea and he brought me a honey bear without my even asking for it.

Monday, March 13, 2006

South Beach cookie theft

I feel a little bit bad for eating so many cookies, but they're South Beach Diet brand cookies, so I don't really feel too bad.

The cookies come in portion-control packets of two cookies each, but one of the packets in the box only had one cookie. I thought about complaining, but then I thought, hey, maybe that's part of the diet.

***The Sarcastic Sex Toy Store***

The last time you bought a vibrator or a hand-crafted leather flogger, did you simultaneously support alt-comedy and feel good about doing it? No? Well, all that can change!

Everything you see reviewed on the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog -- plus some more "normal" items that one might buy in Times Square or even at Walgreen's -- is available in the Sarcastic Sex Toy Store.

Support a comedian! Buy your sex toys here:

Click it, click it good.

who's on first?

A fellow comic asked me what nationality my name was. I wrote back "Polish." He replied:
At first I thought you meant polish like "rub something shiny."

For a few seconds I thought you were telling me to rewrite my e-mail.

I had a similar experience yesterday when my friend April asked:
When's the wedding? April
...and inadvertently answered her own question.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

click to enlarge the not-me

An old college friend sent me this, wondering if the woman third from left was me. It isn't. But I see his point.

Ladies Free

In Houston, I was in a cab when I saw out the window a tattoo parlor with a sign that said "TATTOOS $20. LADIES FREE WITH PURCHASE OF--"

And then we drove past before I could read the rest.

Jokes about getting a free lady aside, what on earth do you buy to get yourself a free tattoo on the side?

spellers do it on stage

By Ryan Brenizer, from the last spelling bee. He titled this "The Agony of Defeat."

friends of Dorothy, friends of Bruce Wayne

While I am mostly oblivious to such things, Syd has been the center of some controversy regarding his comic-based scholarship on the Wonder Women Blog. From Syd:
One of the readers said that the post was offensive because of my speculation that there was a large intersection between Batman fans and Judy Garland fans. Honestly, I don't really think that all Batman fans are gay. On the other hand, not all Judy Garland fans are gay, either, so really he's the one who inferred that I was casting aspersions on people's sexuality. He mentions his 7 year-old son, who loves Robin and is unaware of any psychosexual implications. I think that may have something to do with the fact that he's 7. I really didn't think any 7 year-olds were reading the post, and, since we're all adults, I think we can all admit to ourselves that in the world of comics, Batman is second only to Sin City in the realm of phallocentrism. It is as homoerotic as it is misogynistic. My explanation of its homoeroticism can be summed up as, "Sweet Jesus! Just look at them!" As for its gynophobia, I would like to draw your attention to a Batman villain called Poison Ivy, who uses a poisonous lipstick. One kiss from her controls men's minds (and, yes, it only works on men) and another kiss kills them. Being D.C. readers, I'm sure they are already aware of this. Maybe instead of trying to explain that, I should just send him a dictionary with the definition of the word "subtext" highlighted.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

extra-large organic

Interestingly, the gay guys who bought my eggs this time around want to meet me in person! Last time was wholly anonymous. This time, they're checkin' out the eggs, just like at the grocery store. Grade A, baby.

Thursday, March 9, 2006

Dios Escucha!

Here is what I look like in my hotel room in Houston:

You know, in the cab on the way to the hotel, I saw a billboard that said "Dios Escucha." Oh, I thought: God is listening. But then as we passed the billboard, I saw the English version on the other side: "God listens." Wow, I thought. Those are two very different statements. The first one is admonishing, the second perhaps comforting. Surely these must be two different verb conjugations in Spanish as well? I mean, you'd have to be able to differentiate "God is listening, so stop your blaspheming, you hellbound sinner!" from "Cheer up, good fellow -- God cares about your problems!"

Ironically, after parsing "Dios Eschucha" reasonably well, I got to my hotel room and discovered that I had a desk but no chair. I flagged down a hotel maid who spoke no English, and I could not, for anything, recall the Spanish word for "chair." Both of us smiling encouragingly at each other, I invited her into the room and pointed towards the desk. Still no dice; if you are not checking for chairs, a chairless desk doesn't necessarily look like a problem. So I went to the desk and, um ... mimed sitting down. She laughed and got me a chair.

tristan and isolde, heloise and abelard, zenith and anith

In one of my SAT classes, I explained that a "zenith" is when the sun reaches its topmost point in the sky. Does anyone, I asked, know what we call it when the sun is at its very bottom? (The nadir).

One student thought hard and replied...

"The anith?"

(I really hope my students are not reading my blog, but credit where credit is due: Thanks, Ronald A.!)

a brief update

The Ramada Inn, Houston is what would happen if you turned a strip mall parking lot into a hotel. Characterless, but spacious. Slightly depressing if you stop and examine the towels, or peer out the window at the freeway. The analogy breaks down at the point at which I say "But at least it has hot water, and enough water pressure to knock dirt off you and into the adjoining suite."

I enjoy hotels, though, and I'm here in Texas shooting an instructional video for the test-prep company for which I work. I've been discussing the finer points of the GMAT on camera, repeatedly, while slowly, artfully walking around the edge of a fountain, and while casually resting on a low tree branch. Which, quite frankly, is always how I try to explain things to people.

The Jenny Vaudeville Show last night was short and bittersweet. Two pretty ladies and a stylish gentleman regaled the audience with original and classic polka tunes, a fitting way for the Jenny V. show to go out. Of course, bittersweetness aside, this is a great big good move -- I'm taking a bit of time off to get married and to promote the new show, and then Jenny V. (possibly under a new name) will re-open in June at a comedy club, the name of which is to be announced (I just want to get the papers signed before adding it to the calendars).

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

TONIGHT! Last-ever Jenny Vaudeville!

Well, the last-ever Jenny Vaudeville at Pete's. And the last-ever FREE Jenny Vaudeville.

Wednesday, March 8th
Pete's Candy Store (click for map)
709 Lorimer St in Williamsburg (L train to Lorimer)
10pm, free!

  • a half-naked card trick by burlesque bombshell Nasty Canasta (pictured, photo by Gary Winter)
  • performances from John Leavitt and Syd Bernstein
  • musical comedy by "Laughing Liberally" comic Jamie Jackson (who has a song about Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face)
  • and humorous polka by the Deadly Venom Dutchmen!

in New York, first cousins can marry

From the NYC Marriage Bureau (I thought this was unintentionally humorous -- as well as informative!):
Every person has the right to adopt any name by which he or she wishes to be known simply by using that name consistently and without intent to defraud. A person's last name (surname) does not automatically change upon marriage, and neither party to the marriage is required to change his or her last name. The bride and groom need not take the same last name.

One or both parties to a marriage may elect to change the surname by which he or she wishes to be known after the marriage by entering the new name in the appropriate space provided on the marriage application. The new name must consist of one of the following options:

- the surname of the other spouse; (e.g., John Doe marries Mary Smith. Couple can choose the new surname of Doe or Smith)
- any former surname of either spouse; (e.g., John Doe marries Mary Smith. Mary Smith was born Mary Brown and when she previously married Leroy Smith she adopted his name. She subsequently divorced Leroy Smith but she kept his last name. Couple can choose the new surname of Brown since it is the former surname of Mary)
- a name combining into a single surname all or a segment of the premarriage surname or any former surname of each spouse; (e.g., John Doe marries Mary Brown. Couple can choose the new surname of Down ("Do" from "Doe" and "wn" from "Brown") or Doebrown and so on.)
- a combination name separated by a hyphen, provided that each part of such combination surname is the premarriage surname, or any former surname, of each of the spouses. (e.g., John Doe marries Mary Smith. Couple can choose the new surname of Doe-Smith, Smith-Doe or Doe-Brown (since Brown is Mary's former surname.))
The Doebrowns, eh? I wonder what city worker got the task of writing this document.

whom am I marrying?

"Hey, I just read your blog -- are you really getting married? Or is it like getting married to the sea, or your job? 'Cause that'd be different."

Savvy knows the real answer, but when I didn't write back right away, she backtracked and guessed incorrectly.

Most inappropriate answers:

"Your Mom"

"Are you SURE it's mine?"

"Ellen DeGeneres"

And, the winner...

"You're marrying the cab driver who hit you?"

seeking bitchy Europeans with great shoes

I love when my friends forward me Craigslist postings they think I might want, but without revealing their own addresses. I have no idea who thought I might be interested in this:
A beautiful women is needed for a female domination video shoot. The woman dresses elegantly and wears high heels while kicking and dominating a man. European a plus. Great shoes a plus. Nice people, lower manhattan location.
"Nice" people? I suppose they mean the ones who aren't kicking the customers.

Sunday, March 5, 2006

seriously, I'll get back to you soon!

I haven't been blogging because ... I'm getting married!

Of course, you're not going to believe me, because I'm a comedian. Please note that "stand-up comedy" and "practical joking as a lifestyle choice" are two totally different things.

I will acknowledge on the blog the first person (whom I don't know) to email me the correct answer to whom I am marrying, and I will also acknowledge the person to send me the most inappropriate incorrect answer.


Friday, March 3, 2006

you know it's true

I want to write a sad-but-hopeful, George-Jones-style country song called...

Today Was the First Day I Typed in the First Three Letters of the URL of your Blog and it Didn't Auto-Complete, Because, Baby, You've Finally Been Pushed out of my Cache File

the perils of being a comedian

Every time I try to tell people something serious, they think I'm joking.

I'm just waiting for the day that my entire family is murdered by maruading pirates and my suffering is only compounded by the total disbelief of my peers.

Midnight at Pete's Candy Store

My DVD is up on Filmbaby. Go there to watch a sample clip!

photo documentary, part I

Photographer Ryan Brenizer has been following me around doing a photo documentary of my comedy career. Here are some photos:

Me and Matty Charles by the light of my Treo.

Me running the After-School Comedy Special at Pete's.

This is where the magic happens. I didn't say it was pretty.

My cat eats paper. Oftentimes, important pieces of paper.


I've just been interviewed for an article in Crain's New York Business that should come out late this month, on people with current or former business careers who have applied those skills to acting or comedy. Look for me possibly on March 20th.

I really do sometimes make speeches in university marketing classes on "How to Be Your Own Brand." That's kind of square, I know.

i scream, you scream...

A friend told me that Ben & Jerry's once had a flavor of ice cream called "Cop Stop" -- coffee flavored ice cream with bits of ... donut. Hahahaha.

Said friend's wife informs us that, if you are in Austin, Texas, you can get Guinness ice cream here.

The other day Megan and I went to Cassava Bubble Tea, which had a sign that said "Get some buns to go with those balls!"

eggs are on!!!

I got picked as an egg donor again! Eggs are ON!

This inexplicable image came from a site called

Also, I got picked by a couple of gay guys, which is way more flattering than getting picked by a straight couple.

Thursday, March 2, 2006

official notice (no pleas to St. Jude)

The After-School Comedy Special will be changing its name to the more straightforward "Pete's Monday Night Stand-Up."

After this March 8th, the Jenny Vaudeville Show will be leaving Pete's and finding a larger home, one which charges admission. So next Wednesday is your last chance to see the show for free. It will feature a humorous polka band, a half-naked card trick, a song about Dick Cheney by a guy who just played to 1300 people at Town Hall, and did I mention that the half-naked card trick involves Nasty Canasta? Also, now that I think about it, it's probably more like 75% or 80% naked.

Over and out,

if the words "thrift shop" are followed by a "tm" symbol, maybe you're a consumerist whore

Target actually sells something called a Thrift Shop Hippie Chick Bedding Set. In case you:

1) enjoy sheets and blankets other people have screwed on for years, or want others to think that you do
2) want to pay retail for items that are completely mismatched
3) think that real hippies shop at Target

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