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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

blog summit

This evening I went to NBC's Blogger Summit. If you watched WNBC at 11, you might have seen me sitting among lots of other, more talkative people.

It made me wonder what, really, do bloggers have in common? We all use the internet to publish short, frequent articles about ... er ... stuff. Getting a room full of bloggers together is kind of like gathering together everyone who uses pencils.

April in LA

On April 21st, I will be competing in the California's Funniest Female Contest.

There is no residency requirement for the competition, so perhaps a more accurate name would be "Funniest Female Willing to Travel to California."

California's Funniest Female
Saturday, April 21

8:30pm
$10 cover and $10 food/drink minimum
Martini Blues
5874 Edinger Avenue
Huntington Beach, CA 92649
714-840-2129

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Week of Monday, Jan. 29: Entertainment News in Brief


Tyra Banks talked to People magazine about the "fat pics" snapped of her on vacation. Banks said that she is retired from modeling and no longer needs to maintain a strict diet. Despite this explanation, she was disappointed that no one wanted to hear her sing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going."


The movie Hounddog is drawing criticism for a child rape scene involving twelve-year old actress Dakota Fanning. Upon seeing all the free publicity this got for the film, other movie productions have announced the inclusion of child rape scenes, including Garfield, that Eddie Murphy thing with the fat suit, and the Rocky Balboa DVD release deleted scenes.

previously unreleased Wonder Woman photos

I hear some of you like damsels in distress.



Others, not so much.



By Ryan Brenizer, God of the Lens.

Monday, January 29, 2007

tonight's show

Someone from the Associated Press is coming to the show tonight to take my picture for a story on egg donation.

I am trying to dress in a way that flatters my ovaries.

unfortunate headline of the day

Hee hee. Mr. Journalist-Man pointed me towards this headline from MSNBC:


Yes. Yes indeed.

p.s. Those of you who've been coming to my shows for a long, long time might remember "Decolletage is just a fancy word for "boob crack."

dorktastic moment

I bagged up some trash in my apartment, and noticed an hour later that the trash bag had been knocked over and some junk mail was falling out.

And then I had a thought that went something much like: "Uh-oh! Kitty at work!"

And then I made plans to move to the suburbs, gain thirty pounds, become a receptionist, and be mocked by The Onion for the rest of my life.

subway logistics

How often do you think the subway gets to the end of the line, the conductor gets out and hands over the train to the guy on the next shift ... and then the first guy gets back onto the train to go home?

my favorite fashion trend

You know what I freakin' love? Black guys in fur coats. I don't know who started this, but I want to see more.

I have a problem, and I'm discussing it with Jews

Heeb Presents: Group Therapy

Thursday, Feb 1
9:30 PM
Mo Pitkins
34 Ave A, NY, NY
$10

Burdened by deep-seeded issues? Existential pangs? Righteous indignation? Attend Group Therapy with cohosts Peter Hyman and Allen Salkin—the only hour-long variety show that lasts 45 minutes. With special guests writer/blogger Jennifer Dziura, writer/molecular biologist Elizabeth May and York City's best gay, Japanese, Jewish pop singer, Danny Katz.

p.s. - Don't forget tonight's (Monday's) show at Pete's.

Friday, January 26, 2007

look, I've done a bit of butt-modeling myself, and I know I'm a white chick, but come now...


...how is this humanly possible? Seriously. How?

Mondays, your ass is mine

Monday...


Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's
Monday, January 29th
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm
Free candy, no cover

Starring comic (and erstwhile male impersonator) Sue Ball, and also featuring Josh Jackson, Bobby Mitchell, Brent Sullivan, and Kimmy Gatewood.


Next Monday...

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, February 5th
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

The bee is back, in its fifth season. A real adult spelling bee, open to all. Compete for bar tab and a slot in the June 11th finals.

best gothic-experimental Idol audition ever

I basically never post non-Jen videos on the blog (I liked that the internet used to be about reading), but I have to say I love this guy.



I've gotten frustrated lately because they show American Idol at the gym -- in closed-captioning. And then I see the judges wincing and I really want to hear how badly everyone sings! Simon told one guy he sang "like a one-year old." (I looked that one up later on YouTube).

Anyway, Daron Beck needs to move to Williamsburg. It'll be fabulous.

the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain

Two days ago, someone called me about auditioning for a voiceover role. And I was all like "Oh, yeah, sure, I can come in for that," and then a voice in the back of my head said "You're on the phone, bitch -- maybe this is the audition!" And then my elocution perked up considerably.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

late Feb/early March, I may be in your town

In case you are wondering what I've been up to, I'm planning an indie comedy tour that corresponds with Molly's book tour ("corresponds" meaning "we're renting a car together and we're not telling you about our sleeping arrangements").

I'm still booking things, so if you're in DC, Richmond, Greensboro, Norfolk, Durham, or Baltimore and have venue suggestions or other useful tips, do feel free to drop me a line.

swanky photo time

I did a shoot for Tom Shillue's new CD (with lovelies Molly Crabapple and Kimmy Gatewood), and Tom was kind enough to send this shot over.


I'm not sure when the album is coming out or if this is the shot that will be on the cover, but I figured I'd throw it up here on the blog. Tom is hilarious and I highly endorse this mysterious future CD.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Jewcy Victorian Latina

I loved Molly before, but I love her a bit more now.

Monday, January 22, 2007

this Saturday at New York Comedy Club

This Saturday, I'll be appearing in an all-women comedy showcase hosted by April Brucker and starring Clea Wilson, Amy Beckerman, Michelle Youngblood, Lexi Cullen Baker, Nethia Heyward, Christina Galston, Nicky Sunshine, and Joanne Filan. I'll be finishing off the show.

New York Comedy Club
Saturday, January 27th
E 24th bet. 2nd/3rd
8pm (arrive 7:45 for seating)
$15/two-drink minimum

I shall not fail to point out that the all-women comedy show is taking place on a stage decorated with a mural of Andrew Dice Clay. Precious!

Update: Visit the Comments for the full promotional text, with info about the other ladies and in which the producer calls me "THE WONDER GIRL OF HILARITY!"

doppelganger of the day

An important rule of urban etiquette is that you shouldn't hit on a person for any extended period of time when the person can't really go anywhere, such as on a crowded train, or working behind a register, or when the person is exercising on an elliptical runner and is thus running, but -- inconveniently -- not away from you.

The other day I was on an elliptical at the gym and this guy came up to me and put his hand on my machine (the nerve!), and I thought he was going to be annoying, but instead he wanted to tell me I looked like Shelley Duvall.

And here is Shelley:
A big-eyed portrait.

Screaming like a banshee in The Shining

As Olive Oyl in Popeye. Now I'm ready
for Halloween. I could totally pull that off.
Thanks, gym-guy!

The Dewars Debate Video Play-by-Play

Here are some screenshots from the YouTube video of the debate I did for Vice Magazine, with explanatory captions.

I swear this is me. This is the pre-debate interview.
Just like we used to box before Lincoln-Douglas debates in high school.

The camera crew got me a little drunk for this.

I am infallible!

I have a title card! I will fuck shit up!

Product placement shot. I sit so demurely
next to a bottle of Dewars.

I had imagined I would be standing behind a podium.
If I had known it was a seated debate on a raised stage,
I wouldn't have dressed like Leggy McLeggerson.

Dr. Stanton Friedman is a nuclear physicist who
believes in UFOs. He was very nice.

That doesn't mean he isn't batshit-crazy.

I will cut you with my Occam's Razor!

The debate was actually about forty minutes long.
(The video is about six minutes, including the musical intro).
I am fucking shit up!

The part in which I suggest that Cold War spy operations
were responsible for many UFO sightings made it into the
video. A coincidence that flying saucers sightings happened
contemporaneously to human development of satellites, Communist
paranoia, and popular obsession with space and technology?

I got some good closing words in there about UFO sightings
being best explained by combination of fabrication, delusion,
and misperception of prosaic events. Of course, Stanton had a
ten-minute slideshow of flying saucer photos, blacked-out
government documents, and, weirdly, photos of dirt samples.

A little alien invasion never hurt anyone.
And then there was the drinking.

Go here to watch the video for yourself.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Jen debating for Vice Magazine

Remember this?


The video (of the time I debated nuclear physicist and UFO alarmist Stanton Friedman) is finally online!

This six minute video doesn't exactly encompass the structure or force of the arguments made in a forty-minute debate, but it's still fun to look at.


Watch Jen assert and contend in skeptical fashion
(and also, there's a Rocky-style musical boxing intro)

Mondays, your ass is mine

Monday...

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, January 22nd
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

The bee is back, in its fifth season. A real adult spelling bee, open to all. Compete for bar tab and a slot in the June 11th finals.


Next Monday...


Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's
Monday, January 29th
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm
Free candy, no cover

Starring comic (and erstwhile male impersonator) Sue Ball, and also featuring Josh Jackson, Bobby Mitchell, Brent Sullivan, and Kimmy Gatewood.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

"semi-nudity modeling"

Sometimes, friends and strangers send me Craigslist postings they think I might be interested in (see previous post). "Hair model needed." Okay. "Seeking humor writer for cable show." Great. "Strong woman needed to kick men in the balls." Not so much. Here's the latest:
sushi/food models for private event

Must be a mature/responsible beautiful vivacious woman who is comfortable with her well toned body to be used to exhibit various sushi/food items for corporate party event with private chef.

Must have clear skin complexion (no blemishes/break outs), minimal tattoos, no body piercings, prefer natural breasts vs. breast enhancements/implants, clean shavened, no body odor, no perfumes, not shy, friendly disposition, great sense of humour, can hold a conversation, be sexy, be an actress, a little dancin/hip shakin.

Semi-nude required but will be covered with banana leaves, please have your breast body painted & nicely decorated.

Must be comfortable & have had some experience with semi-nudity modeling.
Wouldn't the "dancing/hip shakin" result in a loss of sushi? Are you supposed to come to the audition with "breast body painted & nicely decorated"? Also, I think it would be easier to mound sushi on top of some rock-solid breast implants than on actual breasts.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

DailyComedy

FYI - I'm a guest star right now on DailyComedy (my little icon is on the front page under "guest stars").

My comedy "stage" on the site is here, although if you've been reading the blog, you've seen all the jokes that are up there. So you might want to click on some other comics' little heads while you're at it.

what kind of merciful god made fresh cherries a diet food?

I am so very excited about the two strips of turkey bacon and an apple I'm about to eat.

Here, once again, is a photo of my abs in college:


Not that my abs themselves have a degree. You know what I mean.

Labels:

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Week of Monday, Jan. 15: Jen does the news

Welcome to our regular bi-weekly, post-comedy-show feature, "Jen does the news!" Here's my opening news segment from last night's show:
Following a racially charged outburst from comedian and former Seinfeld actor Michael Richards, the "n" word is now banned at Hollywood's Laugh Factory. In response to charges of censorship, the club reminds patrons that comics are encouraged to call women "cunts" up to 35 times per set.

MySpace has announced the launch of its French edition. Millions of American men facetiously thanked the multinational corporation for once and for all de-bonerizing the idea of come-ons from slutty young French girls.

The struggling Iraqi government was embarrassed at the leaking of a video of Saddam's execution, showing the former dictator's being taunted by Shiite witnesses, guards, and executioners. Prime Minster Nouri al-Maliki attempted to deflect attention from the leak by pointing out that there are many more interesting things to look at on Youtube, including Britney Spears' vagina, and a video of a small dog shitting on Kurdistan.

On Monday, Saddam's half-brother Barzan Hassan was decapitated during his hanging, which the Iraqi government was quick to declare an accident. Hassan was convicted of killing 148 people. According to the new Iraqi constitution, if the number's under 150, you get to keep the head.

In related news, witnesses to Monday's executions of Saddam's accomplices all signed pledges promising "no taunting," and indeed, the hangings took place in silence. Witnesses also pledges not to push Sunnis off of playground swings, or perform a move loosely translated as "the wedgie of genocide."

Martin Luther King Day was met in South Carolina by protests both for and against the Confederate flag flying at the statehouse. At first peaceful, the protest turned violent when pro-flag demonstrators demanded that anti-flag demonstrators make them some collard greens.

New York twittered at news that skinny girls who faint from extreme dieting are the cause of a substantial number of subway delays. A representative from pro-anorexia website Gossamer Butterfly Self-Cutting Death Princess says "People with no legs slow down the bus all the time, and you don't hear anyone getting on their case about it."

eggs, scrambled a bit

I've got a new gig interviewing egg donors for the agency I donated eggs through in 2005. I'm on the lookout for intelligent, attractive women under 29, although not for the same reasons some of my readers might be ;)

In related news, the Abraham Center of Life has started some controversy by selling -- instead of the services of egg donors and surrogates -- ready-made embryos through the mail.

Pro-lifers are calling this a "brave new world," and other critics have expressed distaste for would-be parents' predilection for potentially blue-eyed, blonde-haired embryos. Here's the part that seems a little funny to me:
The Center also says that it screens egg and sperm donors for clean medical backgrounds. Recipient parents also get photos of donors as infants, and sometimes as adults. From diverse ethnic backgrounds, most male donors have doctorate degrees, and most female donors have had some college.
Er ... more women than men graduate from college these days. Why such lower standards? A PhD versus "some college"? It's not like intelligence is passed on genetically through male genes and good looks through female genes.

if it were Snow White and the EIGHT dwarves, you'd have one called...

There is a new search engine for people over 50, called Cranky.

It lists only four results per page, targeted for the AARP set. Here's what people over 50 are most interested in right now:


Make new friends from home with arthritis sex!

Monday, January 15, 2007

today: MLK Day

January 15th has been Martin Luther King, Jr. Day every year since 1983, except in Virginia, where I grew up.

There, until the year 2000, we celebrated "Lee-Jackson-King Day," because apparently adding the names of Confederate generals to King's holiday made the day more acceptable to absolute assholes.

Notably, Virginians also let Jews out of work for Yom Kippur-Arafat's birthday-Mein Kampf book club day.

my laser hair removal saga, part II

I had my second laser hair removal appointment this weekend (go here for my account of the first), but I'm never going back to that place.

The angry Russian man who works at the counter looked up my name in an index card filebox and then tried to charge my nearly twice what I paid last time. When I questioned this, he shrugged in a mobster-like fashion and said "Eh ... special introductory rates."

I said "What's to stop me then from going around town and doing everybody's special introductory rates?"

He sized me up for an uncomfortably long ten seconds, shrugged, and said "Okay."

I paid (the same price as last time). Marina wasn't working; a different Russian woman zapped off my socially unacceptable body hair.

"I turn it up," she said. "More power, more results." Fine by me. Laser hair removal gives kind of the same pain rush that I've heard people get from tattooing. Except I think being hairless will look better when you're 80 than your tattoos probably will.

Just after leaving the laser hair place to which I will never return (salons do not need angry male bouncers), I went to the gym.

Right above the Bally's front desk was an enormous picture of a woman lifting weights. You could kind of see a five o'clock shadow in her enormously enlarged underarm. Beauty tip of the day: Laser. If no laser, Photoshop.

Tonight: shot through the heart, and you're to blame

I sent out some emails for tonight's show, but then as soon as I sent them I got Stickerbook's email and I liked theirs better, so I'm posting it here.
Tonight! Some of you may have had MLK day off today, in which case you should definitely see Stickerbook tonight.

You woke up around noon, and walked around your apartment all day in your underwear and drank milk out of the carton, itched yourself. So after you're done with that, it'll be around 6 pm and you'll say "What happened to the day?" and then you'll say "Oh Stickerbook is playing tonight. They are very refreshing. I should see them" And then you'll put on your pants, pat your dog on the head, walk out the door and go to Pete's Candy Store.

And Stickerbook will say "Well done, Sir/Madam".


Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's
Monday, January 15th
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm.
Free candy, no cover.

Comedy show hosted by Jenisfamous, starring musical comedy stars Stickerbook, "NY's most kickass all-lady cover band as imagined by a 10 year old girl," and also featuring Dustin D'Addato, Randy Epley, Nick Turner, and Charles Star.

Stickerbook is saying "Welcome to the
jungle, baby, you gonna die!"

Thursday, January 11, 2007

an email to my brother

Dear Brian,

Due to an HTML error, your MySpace page currently reads:

Currently, I'm living with my fiance Jennifer. .. width="425" height="350">

I don't know what kind of units you're using, but she certainly doesn't LOOK wider than she is tall.
(Longtime readers will recognize the counterfeit Jen Dziura as a recurring character).

My brother blames this all on what happens when you try to put a YouTube video on a MySpace page, which is apparently HTML mayhem.

It's very cold out there. I thought this clip might be apropos.

that explains a lot

I was at the gym this morning, and the television was playing with closed captioning on.

Apparently, some commercials are captioned and some aren't, perhaps depending on which advertisers want to pay for the service.

I noticed this during a commercial for "America's #1 weight loss supplement," during which the previous commercial's caption remained frozen at the bottom of the screen the entire time. It said: "PIZZA HUT."

Friday, January 5, 2007

I want you every Monday.

Monday...

The Williamsburg Spelling Bee
Monday, January 8th
Sign up at 7, compete at 7:30
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

This special spelling bee is a fundraiser for leukemia research, suggested donation $20. Includes a raffle and extra-special prizes from sponsors. More here.

cold case

While riding in a cab back from LaGuardia, I saw a cemetery plot circled with police tape.

Could it really have taken the cops that long to realize a crime had been committed?

fast cash!

In East Harlem, Citibank ATMs have a $10 option for "fast cash."

On the Upper West Side, Citibank ATMs have a $1000 option.

I've been living in New York for years now, but the idea of $1000 fast cash kind of blows my mind.

A friend of mine bought an apartment a few years ago for $250,000 cash, and seriously contemplated paying in actual cash, carried in a briefcase, handcuffed to his wrist.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Jen on lip gloss and boobs

chastity and premarital blogging

Last night, I attended the Athenaeum Society's debate on the topic "Is Chastity a Good Idea for Singles?" with born-again Catholic Dawn Eden arguing yes, and sexy-sexytime-writer Virginia Vitzthum arguing no.

Obviously, the audience was largely on the pro-sex side, and Dawn's bravery in even showing up to debate in a basement jam-packed with opponents should be lauded. (No, really, a jam-packed basement; I don't think one could design a more intimidating space unless there were bleachers, Centurions, and lions).

The point I really want to make, though, is that it's 9am the morning after, and the Dawn has updated her blog post-debate, and Virginia hasn't -- any surprise that the chaste debater went home and started blogging at 2:18am? On the other hand, publicly debating in favor of premarital sex is probably good for one's social life.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

this Democratic contender lives in a cave!


Guilt by rhyming! Even worse, you English majors will know it's a feminine rhyme. Man's a dark-skinned pussy rhyming poet-terrorist.

Look forward to future CNN headlines including "The Primaries: Hunt for Obama!"

today's anatomy lesson

According to BBC, one in 1,000 women in the UK (and why should it be different anywhere else?) have "uterus didelphys," or the condition of having two uteruses. As a result of this condition, a British woman recently had triplets, from two different wombs.

So, to hearken back to an earlier topic, if a woman with two uteruses has sex with two identical twins, and each impregnates her, it seems like she could accomplish the amazing feat of having identical twins come out of different wombs. Of course they wouldn't really be identical, just MK-and-Ashley-freaky-alike.

Enjoy this creepy illustration!

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

"Surely, my dear Watson, this rifle is the key to our mystery!"

I cannot help but notice that this MSNBC article entitled Sympathy for the dictator? is accompanied by a photo of Saddam dressed as a British detective.


Ever notice that "Sherlock Holmes" and "Saddam Hussein" have the same initials? And have you ever seen them both in the same place?

Now that "Saddam" has been hanged, I wouldn't be surprised if London saw an upswing in mistaken identities and outright letter-purloining.

Week of Monday, Jan. 1: Jen Does the News

From last night's show at Pete's Candy Store (which also featured a new, expanded version of my "History of Western Philosophy," now including Zeno of Elea, Maimonides, Thomas Aquinas, Bacon, Schopenhauer, Adorno, and Ayn Rand), here's the news...
Hip-hop star Foxy Brown, who recently assaulted two women at a nail salon, is furious the media only reports her misdemeanors. "You never read about the wonderful things I'm doing,” said Brown. “How I pick up groceries for an old lady. I adopted two crack babies.” Social Services clarifies that, actually, Brown adopted two babies, who have since become addicted to crack.

In Lillington, NC, a woman was charged with malicious castration for grabbing a man's genitals during a Christmas party fight. This was upgraded from a charge of "benevolent castration" once police realized ... there is no such thing.

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fractured his right femur while skiing with his family this weekend in Idaho. Onlookers noted that the crying scene that followed was some of the most laughable acting they had ever seen.

Monday, January 1, 2007

Williamsburg: SO COOL YOU NEED TO FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT

This is what it looks like when a neighborhood jumps the shark, takes a swim around the block, and jumps the shark a second time, just for kicks.

"Boss, I was wondering -- how can we convince yuppie condo buyers that Williamsburg is just as 'edgy' as ever?"

"People will believe anything if you write it in all caps. How about an ad campaign?"

"Sure, but the kids like things that look 'indie.' How about we just print up some flyers on a nice goldenrod stock and drop them on the floor in the lobby of the Bedford Avenue Mini-Mall?"

"Great idea, Jones! Always a thinker. What should the ad say?"

"Well, it needs to express that we are fun, sexy, and informative all at the same time."

"Why not just write that, then? In block letters?

"Who needs an ad agency -- we're on fire!"

"What about the rest?"

"Maybe an image of some totally rad young people in leather jackets and shades."

"Wasn't that more the eighties?"

"Don't you miss Richard Marx?"

"By God, Jones, I do. I do."

"So maybe for the rest of the text, I'll just rip off an anti-smoking P.S.A. from 1985. FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT OR YOU'LL JUMP UP AND START DANCING."

"Jones, you are just what the Williamsburg real estate community needs here in the 'hood."

"I CAN'T STOP DANCING. ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US."
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