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Monday, July 30, 2007

Interview on Walrus Comix

I have been interviewed. By a walrus.


Also, come to the show tonight (see below).

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Monday: A Funny Comedy Show with Free Candy and Racially-Charged Penis Jokes

Pete's Monday Evening Stand-Up
FREE COMEDY SHOW

Monday, July 30th

Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm



Starring Michele Colyn, Little Marvin, Charles Star*, Bill Dawes**, and Summer Kriegshauser. Hosted by Jennifer Dziura of Jenisfamous.com.
*Whom I once debated for the Atheneum Society on the topic "Does the beauty industry oppress women?" He is a communist.

**Who once had a gay wedding on
All My Children.

Here's a video by Little Marvin, "Little Dicks, Big Dreams":



Directions to Pete's: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete's is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.

Family Mailbag: note from my brother Brian, the one who is a firefighter and whose atheist wedding I am performing*

Mom gave us your old frame pack from your New England days. I now know what you bought at the grocery store on March 23, 1999. You ate twigs and berries like a hippy. :-)

I also found a small tool designed for adjusting the fuel pump to a camp stove.

Then I found a small green plastic army man.

You camp weird.

-Brian


*He's the only brother I have, but I wanted new readers to feel welcome, like they've been to the last dozen family Thanksgivings. We like the jellied cranberries, the ones that keep the shape of the can. See, now you're in!

Friday, July 27, 2007

I need an intern

Last time I tried to find an intern, all the applicants were, like, 38-year-old men.

I'd like an intern who's actually in college. And who wants to be a comedian or comedy writer, and is someone whom others would perceive as having a fair shot at success at such pursuits. And who is all fresh-faced and Gen-Y-ish and has 20,000 Facebook friends and can make podcasts in his or her sleep. See, look at the little iPod picture -- I would like an intern who dances in silhouette to music no one else can hear.

These are the things I want from an intern.

How to Get Free PR from Jenisfamous.com (note: I am persuaded by automobiles, compliments, and the likelihood of fruit plates)

Aww ... after I wrote a post for Jewcy about Flocabulary, one of the authors sent me a nice email.

Go here to read the original post.

It's nice when you post something and two seconds later someone forwards it to the subject of the post and then that person writes to you. By you, I mean me. Because having people I like contact me is really the entire point of the Jenisfamous Maelstrom of Words Put Together in a Particular Order to Have a Particular Effect.

I should start writing posts like "Jackie Chan can jump really high" and see if, the next day, I get an email from Jackie Chan.

On a related note, Ford's PR firm is flying me out to LA for a behind-the-scenes tour of the show On the Lot, which is a reality show (sponsored by Ford) about filmmakers. (Hmmn, I wonder if that means I get to hang with Spielberg?)

As part of the deal, I also get "complimentary use of Ford Escape during stay, with all the fun LA locations programmed in GPS." There was also something about a "road rally." I don't even know what that is.

Apparently a Ford Escape is a hybrid SUV. So I get to drive something enormous without feeling bad about it!

Obviously, I'll keep you updated via the blog. Because that, of course, is the entire point of large corporations putting me up in nice hotels and giving me backstage passes.

Update: I've been informed in the comments that not all Escapes are hybrids. Well ... the GPS device in the car should cause me to get lost less, which certainly saves gas and reduces greenhouse emissions. Also cuts down on global swearing.

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Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Jokes: Week of July 16, 2007

Here's the news monologue from Monday's show at Pete's. It's taken me longer than usual to get this posted due to my latest PCP-and-Proust binge.

Archbishop Sean O'Malley of Boston has invited the Pope to the city in 2008, saying that a visit from Pope Benedict XVI would help to heal the wounds of Boston's clergy abuse scandals.

Because if you were raped by an authority figure in a funny hat, a visit from a bigger authority figure in a bigger, funnier hat will totally make you feel better.

***


An amusement ride at a Westchester theme park has closed for good after an employee was thrown to her death. The ride, called the "Mind Scrambler," was never supposed to be lethal -- it was merely supposed to make you permanently bad at math.


***


Forty-nine states have now made cockfighting illegal, with the fiftieth, Louisiana, voting to make cockfighting illegal by 2008.

Puerto Rico has responded by passing legislation declaring cockfighting a "cultural right."

Apparently, "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" weren't good enough, and PETA's veg-friendly suggestion won't suffice: fried plantains rarely scratch one another to death under heavy provocation.

***


Lindsay Lohan has been released from rehab and will voluntarily wear an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. This will not, however, prevent her from her usual habit of ingesting vodka shooters intravaginally.

***


Following the death of a former First Lady, the Times ran the tasteful headline "Nation mourns Lady Bird."

Our city's tabloids were not so kind, with the Post offering JOHNSON FAMILY HAS "BIRD FLU" and the Daily News: THIS BIRD FAILED TO "CATCH THE WORM".

***


Pro-Taliban militants in Pakistan have ended their truce with the government and killed at least 70 people in the last two days.

Marketing note for Pakistan:

"Islamabad?" Really? Maybe it's time to think about a little name change.

I mean, if the U.S. had a city somewhere in the Midwest called "Separationofchurchandstatesucksalot" -- I think we'd do a little PR.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Jewcy: Day Five

Jewcy: Day Four

I am guest-blogging over at Jewcy. Don't miss my groundbreaking coverage of twinky teen dolls, evolutionary sex preferences, and the shocking mideast feminine products shortage of 2007.

Today's posts:

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

You know what they say about men who wear big shoes....

...boy can they herd a lot of goats.

The world's tallest man has met the world's shortest man. Oddly, Bao Xishun and He Pingping are both from the same region of Mongolia.


What the fuck is in their water?

Jewcy: Day Three

I apologize for making you click through extra links to read my blog posts this week.

Um ... the Jews did it!

Today's posts:

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Jewcy: Day Two

Dear world, I have been wrong

Now everyone's talking about Crocs. (See How Crocs conquered the world on Slate).


I called this trend last summer in my post Times Square Fashion Watch.

However, since 2006, I have changed my mind about this brand of footwear. If you are an attractive young woman, or really maybe any kind of woman, I still think it would be better if you wore normal summer shoes, or if you are hiding your having-waited-too-long-in-between-pedicures, then flats, or cute sneakers. But it's cool. I don't hate you. Teenage girls look cute in almost anything. The thing that has really changed my mind is that I have noticed Crocs on men whose toes I am really, really sure I am glad I am not seeing.

Dear old dudes who want to wear sandals -- thanks for keeping those toes covered up! Look, your Crocs have ventilation holes! I think that's working for everyone. Enjoy.

Sincerely,
Jen

Monday, July 16, 2007

guest editing Jewcy.com

This week, I am the guest editor on Jewcy.com.

I shall be submitting three posts per day -- the first three are already up.

This is the level of commitment and promptitude you receive when I get paid.

Go here.

Coming in the next couple days will be an interview with Wendy Shalit, author of Girls Gone Mild (a book to which I have contributed a three-page how-to on how to run your own modest fashion show. It's hard to explain. You'll have to check back in for that one).

Today's posts:
Sincerely,
Jen

Sunday, July 15, 2007

fan mail from a Southwestern prison

I have received the following fan letter from an inmate at Central Arizona Correctional Facility:

Click to enlarge.

The "my Dad slit my dog's throat" story was particularly harrowing, and made me really less inclined to send this person "50 to 10 just-signed photos" of myself.

I was also interested in the part of the letter in which the writer explains he has gotten my address from a Celebrity Directory. This explains the sort of generically-worded requests for signed headshots that I sometimes receive. I always get those and I'm like, what year is it, 1944? Should I mail this in care of your regiment in Normandy?

So, would you send this man signed headshots to keep and to sell in order to fund his personal hygiene regimen and continued correspondence courses?

Saturday, July 14, 2007

shout-outs

Or should that be "shouts-out," like "mothers-in-law"?

Anyway, shout-out to comedian Will Hines, for fixing the script on the front page of my website which for awhile stopped working, and then worked but insisted that the last time I had updated my blog was in a year prior to my actual birth, not to mention the birth of blogging. Here's a funny thing Will wrote.

Shout-out to illustrator John Leavitt for giving life to Dorothy von Irony.

Shout-out to our troops in Iraq, Djibouti, and Kuwait ... I'm coming to visit! Details are forthcoming.

Jen

I don't love Wonder Woman THAT much

Oftentimes, when good things ("good" for a comedian = "on television") come my way, I refrain from blogging about them for awhile because I don't want to jinx them ("jinx" here means "look stupid when it doesn't happen", which is usually the case).

Last September, I was -- apropos to the Wonder Woman Blog I co-write with Syd Bernstein -- contacted by a Canadian television producer regarding "a 26 part documentary series which explores popular TV shows through the eyes of the fans."

Then commenced an email exchange in which the producer discussed coming down to New York to film my show at Pete's and interview me in my apartment.

"Do you have a lot of Wonder Woman stuff?" she asked. I said I probably had an action figure somewhere. Maybe a Pez dispenser (I then went on eBay and bought a Wonder Woman Pez dispenser). "Do you tell jokes about Wonder Woman in your act?" No, I explained (again). I bought some Wonder Woman underpants to sleep in, then liked them so much I wore them onstage a couple of times. People seemed to enjoy the pictures.

I got a "We'll get back to you." They didn't.

I suppose I could've pretended to be a complete Wonder Woman freak in order to get on TV. But, well ... no.

Besides, it's Canadian TV. According to the exchange rate, that's like 73% of having been on American TV.

(p.s. For some NSFW humor, check out The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog).

Update: Here are the people who did make it onto the program. Whoa.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Monday's show

While in Virginia, I purchased this incredible bounty of candy for my comedy show at Pete's Candy Store (which has no candy unless I bring it -- hence the candy).


This Monday: candy necklaces.



FREE COMEDY SHOW
Monday, July 16th
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
**7:30pm**

Starring Elon James White, Adrienne Iapalucci, Brett Anderson, special guest from Israel Yisrael Campbell, and lesbian Miss America contestant Scout Durwood.
Hosted by Jennifer Dziura of Jenisfamous.com.

Directions to Pete's: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete's is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.

Hilarious

Molly Crabapple's Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School has a podcast.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

the story of how I wasted an hour dressing myself in cartoon clothing because I was trying to help a teenage girl with her period

The other day, I was looking up some grammar information, and typing my search query as a question led me to a related page on Yahoo Answers, a service in which a person can pose any question, various Yahoo members will post replies, other users can rate the replies, and the original poster can mark the question "closed" when a satisfactory answer has been received.

Currently, top questions on Yahoo Answers include:
  • Is it true that the color of the tie on bread bags determines what day they were delivered to the store?
  • I way 124 pounds im 12 is this normal?
  • What will hapen to harry in HP AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS?
  • What is the best website on the legal positivism perspective of jurisprudence?
  • Will nintendo bring out another gameboy - after the micro?
  • How coconut so strong?
While reading the grammar answer I so desired, I saw a link somewhere on the page to "unanswered questions," and one of them was from a girl (I do mean "girl") who had her period, wanted to go on a school swim trip, and was wondering if she would still be a virgin if she started using tampons.

She had received only a couple of replies: one that told her "no," and one calling her a slut.

Normally, I do not go around the internet performing acts of puberty-related do-gooding, but I felt this was a special case. Feeling big-sisterly, I clicked to post a reply, and discovered I would need to register with Yahoo. Fine.

A few steps into the registration process, I became aware that I was actually signing up for yahoo.ph -- as in, "Yahoo! Phillipines." I gathered that this must have been because the asker of the question was a member of Yahoo! Phillipines, and somehow I had entered Yahoo's Filipino district.

Then Yahoo offered me the opportunity to create an avatar. Aren't I a little old for this sort of thing? I thought, but I just couldn't help myself.

Being in Yahoo! Phillipines, the default skin color was a little dark, so I started tweaking:

I thought this one looked kind of like me.

Look, a little tutor avatar! Maybe I could somehow use this professionally.

Many of the backgrounds in Yahoo! Phillipines represent, unsurprisingly, scenes in Asia. Here's me in front of an Asian city street.

In the foreground of some rice terraces?

How about some "Philipine Nipa Huts"?

I thought the "Indian Wedding Pavilion" was nice...

...but that maybe I should dress more appropriately.

And then an hour of my life was gone, and I never got back to the girl with the period question. I really hope the swim trip turned out okay.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

cellphone mystery

I was scrolling through the list of contacts stored in my phone and realized that, sandwiched between a couple of ex-boyfriends, I have stored a number for "Shitty Copy Place."

I have no idea why. Why would I feel the need to retain that number? Just in case they call me, that way their number will show up on my phone as "Shitty Copy Place" and I won't be taken in by suggestions that they might copy something for me? Why, Jen of Christmas Past, why?

Egg Donors vs. Sperm Donors: Who Is Valued More and Why?

This article suggests that sperm donors are underpaid because we don't really value fatherhood. And additionally, that egg donors are treated like precious, beatific saints because that's what we like to think about mothers.

That sounds kind of flattering for the women, at least, until you realize the flipside -- women who are mostly in it for the money are pathologized, whereas it's expected that men would donate sperm entirely for the money.

This stigmatizaton of market-motivated egg donors is aptly analogous to issues surrounding motherhood, as women who prefer participation in a market economy to the oh-so-precious task of wiping tiny noses have also long been pathologized.

I'm off to the fertility clinic for an ovarian reserve test to see if my eggs are still any good (28 is antediluvian for an egg donor!) If they are, I have a taker!

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Friday, July 6, 2007

New Yorkiness

Here are two cellphone pictures I took in midtown:

This ad has a treasure trail! Like, an eight-foot-long treasure trail. That's just dirty! Semi-naked people in ads should be all shaved and airbrushed and plasticky. It's not right to get the tourists all hot and bothered.

I thought my Mom would find this funny. Hi, Mom!

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Street Harassment Post, Part Trois

I was very amused by Mandy Stadtmiller's article on street harassment in the Post. (From a four-foot-tall dude: "Yo, check it out. I don't need to be the champ, I just want a shot at da title!")

While visiting my family in Virginia, I was harassed on the street exactly once:

I was traversing the crosswalk, wearing shorts, and I heard "Hey, gorgeous!"

I turned around and saw a guy in the passenger seat of a pickup truck -- he then smiled and waved as the truck drove away. How adorable is that? It was positively ... refreshing.

Here are some things that my quaintly old-fashioned street harasser did not do:
  1. Suggest any specific sexual acts involving one or both of us
  2. Say something untoward about any specific body part of mine (or his)
  3. Suggest we might see each other in the future
  4. Slow down the car and drive alongside the sidewalk at approximately 2.8 miles per hour, so we can have a "conversation"
  5. Make creepy kissing noises
  6. Suggest that I smile more often
  7. Hiss
Previous street harassment posts here and here.

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Wednesday, July 4, 2007

anyone have any Dutch cartoons I can publish on my blog?

I have purchased an enormous covered litterbox, with a staircase, for Cow. (The purpose of the staircase, which is textured, is to catch extra litter as the cat walks out of the litterbox, so the litter doesn't end up on your floor).


Now, whenever Cow goes off to do her business, Mr. Intrepid Young Journalist and I refer to it as "going to the mosque."

It has been observed that she does it about five times per day.

Now, to soften up the fatwa, here are some freakishly cute Cow photos.



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Tuesday, July 3, 2007

trans fat fallacy

I love how totally unhealthy food now is advertised as containing "NO TRANS FATS."

I mean, I could easily make you a trans-fat-free bowl of white sugar, with maple syrup. And butter. On a bed of cotton candy.

I've seen a number of delis advertising "We care about your health! We fry in trans-fat-free oils."

FYI, "pure chicken fat" is a trans-fat-free oil. Trans fat is basically synthetic liquid plastic. It keeps the brownies in your Brownie Fudge Chunk ice cream soft at freezing temperatures, which, if you think about it, is Not Normal. Other fats are still bad for you. Just not as bad as consuming synthetic liquid plastic.

(Incidentally, I don't mean for this post to sound self-righteous. I just ate a dark chocolate bar with whole hazelnuts. I totally ate three serving sizes. Women just ... do that sometimes).

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artificial tanning quandary

I seem to have developed an immunity to artificial tanning lotion.

Has anyone ever heard of this happening before?

Maybe it's just that the tanning solution is in lotion form, and my skin simply can't absorb any more moisture. I think I may have fully saturated my entire epidermis. I am very moist. I have mentioned before that, when I was growing up, my mother was an Avon lady; lotion was always free and plentiful in our house. It occurred to me only as an adult that people might have to pay for lotion.

Here is my normal skin tone (from the post in which I addressed allegations that I look like Pee Wee Herman in drag):


And here I am looking all golden and healthy, except that I accomplished this with synthetic lotion-chemicals:


Granted, there are some tricks of lighting happening here, but still.

As long as I don't develop an immunity to blonde hair dye, Botox, and breast implants! That would foil all my best-laid plans.

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