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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween!

This is me stinging bobbyblue at the Williamsburg Spelling Bee. Photo by Mike!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I didn't make this up at all

Today's Word of the Day is "jentacular"!

Meaning "relating to breakfast."

Monday, October 29, 2007

I AM a spelling bee

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

the wisdom of our Greek philosophical forebears versus the folly of Enlightenment discourse, as played out in store advertising

Next time I see a business advertising "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT," I am going to stop in and demand a detailed reckoning of everything the old management did wrong.

Seriously, was I eating hair and rat poison that whole time? Was I contributing to the exploitation of workers? Or was the old management kind but inept, leading to its hostile takeover by more exploitative managers?

Notice the sign never says "UNDER BETTER MANAGEMENT." The sign simply relies on the modernist assumption that new = improved. This is not always so. Remember that time Mommy replaced Daddy with "new" Daddy? You probably didn't enjoy being "under new management."


Sunday, October 21, 2007

Wachovia at W 39th and 7th

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Perverts.

new spelling photos by Kimi Milo

New spelling bee photos (lots more of them) by Kimi Milo are up on the spelling blog. Tonight at Pete's is comedy.

Friday, October 19, 2007

atheist wedding photo

Hwang Woo Suk has nothing on me! Who needs cloning when I can MAKE NEW JENNIFER DZIURAS?

I totally pronounced them married. (I did not actually pronounce them "man and wife"; I pronounced them "equal partners in marriage." Is there really such a thing as an atheist wedding officiant who is not also a feminist wedding officiant? The overlap is near-complete. Few people want a secular wedding and also want to perpetuate outmoded gender ideals; similarly, there is little market for, say, "nonalcoholic tequila." Or, "genetically modified hemp.")

Between creating a new Jennifer Dziura with mere WORDS, and producing children with gay men I've never met, I have completely obviated the need for traditional reproduction. I AM A MASTER OF ALCHEMY AND ABIOGENESIS!

Related post: Don't be fooled by counterfeits

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

outtakes from yesterday's nerdalicious photoshoot

All by Bill Wadman.

Comment posted by my brother:
Sibling... that is the nerdiest shirt ever created. Ever.

If it had... you know... a slightly more manly cut, I might want one.

Perhaps I would want more than one. Perhaps three would suffice. But just to be safe I should have slightly more than three. I'm thinking somewhere around 3 and 1/7th, but not exactly 3 and 1/7th. If only there was an easier way to express how many I wanted. Someone should work on that.

the law of diminishing returns

I'm at the Apple Store Genius Bar, where a monitor is displaying various advertising and instructional information while those of us with sad Macs wait, sadly.

One ad for a new computer boasts that the computer has enough disk space to hold "400,000 copies of the complete works of William Shakespeare."

Isn't it funny that 400,000 digital copies of the complete works of William Shakespeare really aren't any more valuable than, well ... one?

Nerd Goddess of the day

Bill Wadman is a photographer who is taking a portrait of a different person each day for a year.

I am October 16th.

Favorite comment: "She looks like the 21st century Clark Kent."

I love whoever wrote that.

somebody's kid is going to be half-gay and half-really good at the SAT

I am donating eggs to a gay man (again). I've been at it for weeks, actually, but today I finally started the egg-makin' hormones. I just gave myself no fewer than three injections in the stomach. I feel tingly and fertile.

Knowing I was going to be sticking needles into myself, I've been eating burritos freely so I'd have a protective layer of bodyfat. Who knew that burritos had so many salutary side effects?

My ovaries are on overdrive! When I say I "contain multitudes", I really mean it.


Monday, October 15, 2007

consumer alert

FYI - Febreze Fabric Refresher, Upholstery Refresher, and Allergen Reducer are all the exact same product, in different bottles. It's a spray bottle of water, alcohol, and fragrance. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just saying, misting "Allergen Reducer" on the underarms of something you don't want to pay to dry clean just yet will be perfectly effective, as will spritzing "Fabric Refresher" on the cat bed before your asthmatic friends come over.

I am going to buy a lot of soap and repackage some of it as face soap, some as torso soap, and some as ass soap, and see if I can convince people that they need one of each.

Thursday, October 11, 2007



I don't think the big upside-down one in the design counts. I think a regular question mark directly following the letter "d" is also in order.

Related posts:
If I Did It
Another Reason to Hate Mel Gibson
Update: Visit the comments for an extremely detailed analysis of this topic by my mother.

Monday, October 8, 2007

thought of the day

Why do we always feel the need to call old people senior "citizens"? Why be that specific? Do we really have a big problem with a lot of senior illegal aliens? Slipping across the border and into an empty nursing home bed on our side of the Rio Grande?

Saturday, October 6, 2007

today I am a secular humanist minister

I am in a hotel in northern Virginia, soon to be off to marry my brother to his fiancee Jennifer, thus doubling the number of Jennifer Dziuras in the world (well, actually the Rush University Medical Center lists one "Jennifer Dziura, MSN" as a "lost alumna," so perhaps I will only be increasing the number of Jennifer Dziuras by 50%. But then again, she's lost).

One of Jennifer's relatives asked to have the celebrant pointed out to him, so he'd know not to swear around him or her. This caused the bride much laughter.

I was shopping for a wedding card, but they were all sappy or religious. So I just picked the thing that was the least appropriate and altered it to my liking.

Click to enlarge!

eBay paintings

I normally hate buying things on eBay, because I don't like having to compete to give people my money. I want the people with whom I transact to at least put up some pretense of being thankful for my business. However, I have been buying $10 paintings from China. The dollar may not have meant much in Kuwait, but it apparently becomes more robust the further east you take it.

There are 12,587 listings for contemporary paintings priced $10 or below. (Expect to pay $30-50 for shipping).

It's not clear to me if the German artist listed actually painted my paintings, or if perhaps he sold the rights to the paintings to a Chinese art factory, where they are being copied by Chinese artists. Either is fine by me.

I am Jen's new painting!

After buying one painting, I received this fantastic message from the seller: "When you get the package, for protecting the paintings inside, you can open it follow the white adhesive tape using knife or scissors, and take care of your hand! Next time, if you shop in our store over $20, we would like to give you one additional painting for free too whose buy it now price is up to $10. Everyday, there are some new paintings listed in our store. Welcome visiting!!"

Take care of your hand! Love it.
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