getbullish shop

did you know wombats’ pouches are upside down so dirt doesn’t get in them when they dig?

May 31, 2005

Ooh, the Gotham Writers Workshop newsletter printed a little bit about me:

Powhatan Review (Spring 2005 Issue) includes Jennifer Dziura’s story, “Flawless.” Jennifer wrote the story in Susan Breen’s Advanced Fiction class.

Unrelatedly, I have upgraded browsers, and tabbed browsing has revolutionized my life. Primarily by making it very easy to begin this post, leave it in an open tab, and not finish it for several hours, causing it to become structurally malformed and apropos to nothing.

This blog suffers from an overuse of the word “apropos.”

Today I was very amused by this picture of a romance novelist in Perth with a ninety-pound wombat in her lap. (Update: Original page seems to have disappeared from the interweb).

I took pictures of her taking pictures of things

May 31, 2005

I have shirked my blogging duties because my mother has been visiting. She has discovered she enjoys both falafel and the World Famous *BOB*.

The photo at right is Mom at the Guggenheim. The green rectangular stickers all over the railings are part of the Daniel Buren exhibit. If you go there, you can read a whole bunch of artspeak about why the guy has a thing for stripes.

And now, an open confession to my mother:

Those “hash browns” were really tater tots. They had been in my freezer for a long time, and I dug them out because you like potatoes, but then I didn’t cook them right, so I mashed them up and cooked them again and falsely implied they’d been hash browns all along.

Mea culpa!

she also went on a steak diet she found in a Polish newspaper

May 27, 2005

This morning I caught up with the NYTimes series on class in America, and I was quite charmed by the Polish maid who’d had a heart attack. She was shocked to learn that part of her heart muscle was dead; after leaving the doctor’s office, she lit up another cigaratte and commented, metaphorically, “You know, you have hand? Now I have no finger.”

once you go African-American … shit, nothing rhymes with that

May 27, 2005

Yesterday I had a run-in on the 4 train with that guy who does impressions of subway noises (“Boooop. Please stand clear of the closing doors.”), and then does a little shtick and sings this song (you know the tune):

You just call on your brother
When you need a hand
We all need some money
To shop at Pathmark

As part of his little comedy routine, he directed the car’s attention to me, commented that he liked white girls, and gave several variations on the theme of “once you go black, you never go back.” He asked if I’d ever had a black man, and then turned to me conspiratorially and whispered “Don’t answer! It’s part of my act!”

the Thursday blog post

May 26, 2005

Save the date — on Saturday night, June 11, I’ll be doing a reading from my CD at the Jigsaw Gallery, at an event called the JIGSAWLON.

My day has been occupied with obtaining comedy footage and transferring it to various other formats and preparing to send it to people in their desired formats, all so the world can realize how much it likes me. Um.

p.s. – I fixed the link from yesterday, if you were having trouble with it.

new comedy from my technological rube goldberg machine

May 25, 2005

Today, I have a new comedy clip for my loyal blog readers.

I have gone to great effort to prepare this clip for you. First, I farmed the corn and wheat myself, and then I harvested it, dragging behind me the iron plow that has been in my family since the czars.

Okay, no. But I wrote the jokes, performed the jokes, recorded it all on my digital voice recorder which I bought refurbished from an Amazon seller, determined that I was unable to get the files from the recorder to my Mac, visited the Internet Garage in Williamsburg, spent $6 in internet time installing software on a PC and importing files and FTPing them, then I went home, downloaded the files, used iMovie to crop a little bit for you, exported it to .aiff, used iTunes to convert it to MP3, and then uploaded it to MySpace. Also, I had to walk to school uphill both ways.

Without any further ado…

Navy Brats and Geeky Girls

p.s. – Happy Birthday to my dad!

bookers from Comedy Central wouldn’t have attended if they were guaranteed blowjobs under the table

May 25, 2005

A belated thank you to Monica, Megan, and Tom for attending my show in the West Village last Friday.

Note to comedy clubs: if you’re going to call it an “industry showcase”, at least do me the courtesy of taking my headshot and throwing it away like everyone else. Eh, there were some funny guys there, though.

turn the piglets up to 11!

May 25, 2005

As of yesterday, Google was running ads for pig semen on one of the pages of my blog — a page about a comedy show, containing pictures of a comedy show, and containing absolutely no references to swine, farming, pork, etc. (not to mention semen).

Here is the page (which is now running generic ads — the ads change all the time based on what advertisers are paying), and here are the ads, which I screenshotted and then condensed to fit on the blog:


p.s. – It sounds very wrong to sell semen from something with the mental capacity of a three-year old.

look mom, i’m on TV!

May 24, 2005

Last night, a dating themed serial documentary that will air on VH-1 in the fall came to shoot at the spelling bee. There were cameras everywhere, and lots of single smart people. The working title of the show is “Crushed Out,” but obviously I’ll post about it again before the show airs.

It is completely insane how many people and hours and how much equipment is takes to produce 22 minutes of television programming.

Incidentally, I believe I have previously appeared on VH-1 as a still photo or silhouette used in an animated intro to “40 Most Shocking Hairdos,” although I never saw it, and I’d probably be unrecognizable.

The show had a really hot gaffer. Or, gaffer/cowboy. He must have been from Texas or something. I’m kind of crushed out. Me, you, video camera, beer and panini sandwiches … gaffer tape?

"Brooklyn’s reigning alpha speller"

May 24, 2005

There’s an article about the spelling bee in the current issue of Block Magazine.

orthographically adept single men needed!

May 23, 2005

Tonight is Singles Night at the spelling bee at Pete’s Candy Store at 7pm! Smart single people (and especially more men) are encouraged to come spell!

Trust me.

oh, I am too versatile for words

May 23, 2005

On an unrelated note, I have had an article published in Jungle MBA magazine and am trying to wrangle up a copy of the April issue.

Update – The very nice editor wrote me back and is sending me a copy. Yay!

comedy + Schaffer + your mom

May 23, 2005

You can welcome me to the ranks of professional comics after my show yesterday at the Back Fence, for which I received a princely beer money reward. I did the longest set of my career, but I knew I’d have no trouble filling up 20 minutes. I have never been accused of underloquaciousness.

Schaffer the Dark Lord was in attendance, and he seemed to like my bit about growing up as the geeky Star Trek girl, although he, of course, was all about Star Wars at the time. I also learned from Schaffer’s blog today that The Dark Show (first Wednesday of the month in June/July/Sept, 9pm, Apocalypse Lounge, free/2 drink min.) is coming to an end as Schaffer concentrates more on his sworn duty to become famous as quickly and furiously as possible.

This saddens me, but just as the Dark Show must end, so too must the People’s Democratic Republic of Your Mom begin to conquer all things. Come see me do comedy unleashed and unhampered, plus performances from debonair magician Eric Walton, comic ventriloquist Carla Rhodes (photo at right), and musical special guest Teen Tawny.


The People’s Democratic Republic of Your Mom
Pete’s Candy Store
Wednesday, June 8
10pm
Win prizes in trivia and literary challenges!
Free/2 drink minimum

Go put it on a note on your fridge! Now!

how to get a D-A-T-E

May 22, 2005

Tomorrow night’s spelling bee has a “Singles Night” theme. Anyone can compete, of course, but single spellers are encouraged to attend. Pete’s Candy Store, 7pm.

Home improvement realization of the day: anchors work just as well or better when filled with a squishy substance, such as paint.

I did a BOSU class at the gym yesterday, which was quite difficult (unlike, say, the Pilates mat class I did, which was so lame it ended up in my comedy routine). A BOSU is this thing that looks like half of an inflated exercise ball, mounted to a round, hard base, and you do things like stand on the dome and lift weights, or balance your butt on the dome and work your abs by lifting your legs while balancing. You can also turn the BOSU upside down and do exercises on the flat part, which then wobbles because it’s resting on the dome. All fine and good; it’s just slightly annoying that “BOSU,” despite sounding kind of cool and Japanese, is an acronym for … BOth Sides Up.

Sigh.

just in case you’re in Vegas and need discounted boobs

May 19, 2005

From the casting calls on OneModelPlace.com:

We are seeking models for a high roller golf tournament. Each selected model for the tournament will receive $2500 towards a Breast Augmentation. Just for registering each model will receive a free face peel, and $1250 towards a Breast Augmentation. Please come to Green Valley Ranch this Sunday from 2pm-6pm to register.

Free face peel? What if I offered you a free whack in the head? Would you take that just because it’s free? What if I offered you half off a fork in the eye?

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