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a comic’s life, in photos

March 29, 2006

At least the life of a comic who plays Methodist churches in Jersey. Damn skippy.

Photos by Ryan Brenizer.

I was going to write captions, but they’re not really necessary, are they?

(Look at those jeans! Since when do I have hips?)

he’s b-a-a-a-c-k

March 29, 2006

Linguists, attack! (Scroll down for the sender’s first misdirected message).

lolz im not saying tat we lik each other it this other girl tat asked me tat lol y u thought i ment us cuz i didnt lol lol we r jus lol right???????? lol o0o i want u 2 see my new pic cuz tat pic is lik fucking 2year old lol aight

Can you pluralize the abbreviation for “laugh out loud”? And are “that” and “just” such intimidatingly long words that they, too, must be abbreviated?

This gentleman’s romantic and lexicographical lives provide no end to speculation.

hear my husband-to-be on the radio this Friday!

March 28, 2006

Visit to find out if your area gets the Bob & Tom show.

p.s. – I wouldn’t marry him if he weren’t funny.

MySpace is still broken

March 27, 2006

MySpace keeps accidentally depositing messages that are not intended for me into my mailbox. Even though this message was written for someone else, my respect for the English language requires me to de-friend this person:

o so wut the fuck happen lol u going out with him lol son i need 2 ask something lets say i we liked each other put u no how u live in L.A & i live in NY lolz iz tat stuped lolz lolz lolz lolz anywayz im not gonna ask her i started 2 think imma jus hat her 4 the rest of my life looooooooooooooolz

Oh, isn’t that romantic? No, actually, I’m really asking; I can’t tell.

High Executive "Beaurau"

March 26, 2006

I received the following spam purporting to be from, but in actuality intended to steal the passwords of the small subset of people who both have accounts and substantial developmental delays:

“In order to maintain the integrity of the entire system, our crew members is running an data base update . This decision was taken by the High Executive Beaurau of and it should be followed by all of it’s customers.”

Our crew members is? An data base update? And nevermind the “its” versus “it’s” — what kind of company has a “High Executive Beaurau”? Sounds very 1984.

Even the “it” and “it’s/its” in the last sentence have some antecedent-related problems.

The High Executive Beaurau of this blog has taken an decision for you to sending us money directly and it should be followed by all of it’s readers.

left coast

March 25, 2006

I spent this past week in LA, where I saw the Thai Elvis. Quoth Citysearch: “You are now entering the Thai-light Zone.”

It was chilly in LA, but my heart brims over with warm cotton candy.

motivational mantra of the eve

March 25, 2006

“Getting drunk and fucking shouldn’t keep you from being successful. It didn’t stop Mick Jagger.”

- Molly Crabapple

of course, I closed with the joke about having to "powder your nose"

March 19, 2006

That was also the first time I’d played a church. The audience was appreciative and laughing in the right spots, but overall, of course, it was a quiet, totally sober, coffee-drinking bunch. I’m pretty sure I remember saying “I like you, you’re a very polite crowd. I have a feeling that if you wanted to heckle, you’d raise your hands and wait to be called on.”

Me with the “Ten Commandments of Courtesy.”
Photo by Ryan Brenizer

New Jersey Transit is all in a day’s work

March 19, 2006

Tonight I opened for Full Frontal Folk at an event called “Coffee with Conscience” in New Jersey. Here’s a little impromptu bit I’ll never get to do again:

“You know, I had a long day today, and on the train on my way here, I actually had the thought I wonder if there’ll be coffee? Look, don’t laugh — you can’t always tell from the first word of the event what kind of beverages will be available. Like that one time I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. Those people are NO FUN … and they DON’T TAKE SUGGESTIONS WELL.”

my theme of the past couple of weeks

March 18, 2006

It is totally easier to produce a wedding than a comedy show.


March 18, 2006

Syd writes:

I saw a t-shirt in the window of a store that told onlookers that the wearer is “cute.” And here I thought we were all capable of determining someone’s cuteness without consulting t-shirts. The weird thing is, though, that it was pre-faded. I think it was meant to make people think that you used to be cute.

the temporal life of a comic

March 18, 2006

So, months ago, I was asked to do 30 minutes of comedy at a benefit for kids with cancer that would take place next Saturday night at 7pm, in Brooklyn.

Then, I was asked by Chicks & Giggles to do a comedy show at Columbia University for Women’s History Month, also at 7pm, and at Columbia, which is the exact opposite of “near Brooklyn.”

But I really want to do both, so I work it out that I can go on early at one show and late at another and cab it in between. Settled. Expensive, but settled.

Then, Columbia moves the Chicks show to 10pm, which seems much better, so now I’m relaxed about the in-between travel.

Then, I discover that a rather important work-related event is occurring at 7pm … in Queens.

I know there is only the slimmest chance that I could attend the work event 7-8, cab it to the benefit by 8:20, go on around 8:30 or 8:45, get out by 9:30, and cab it to Columbia by 10, but I ask the organizer of the benefit anyway if he knows my stage time, and he says:

We’re going to have to postpone, because the hostess has cancer.

To reiterate:

A benefit for kids with cancer has been postponed because the hostess has cancer.

So, um, I’m going to work, and then to the Chicks & Giggles show at Columbia.

Um … a benefit for kids with cancer has been postponed because the hostess has cancer.

My mind is blown.


March 17, 2006

My husband-to-be said, in one context or another, that I could have anything I wanted, so I said I wanted a wombat.

A wombat … covered in glitter!

I followed up by claiming to have invented a new animal: the Glitterbat!

I arrived home to this in my inbox:

Glitterbat: The Secret to Marital Bliss!

Click to enlarge the glitterbat!!!

Have I ever been this excited?


yes, I know I’m a comedian, but I really am getting married, no funny-ha-ha

March 17, 2006

My intended and I discovered today that we have compatible taste in bread; I love the crusts at the ends, and he hates them. So I don’t have to share crusts! I love crusts. I will take the crusts off the bread and dip them in straight butter and eat nothing else. Or, oh my god, I think toasted raisin bread crust with butter may be my very favorite food. And I get them all, muhahahahaha! My pre-marital bliss continues unabated!

A Korean friend of mine once told me that, in Korea, the end of a loaf of bread is called the “mother-in-law,” because no one wants it.

Not that my intended has a problem with my mother. I’m the weird one who likes crusts.

South Beach cookie theft

March 13, 2006

I feel a little bit bad for eating so many cookies, but they’re South Beach Diet brand cookies, so I don’t really feel too bad.

The cookies come in portion-control packets of two cookies each, but one of the packets in the box only had one cookie. I thought about complaining, but then I thought, hey, maybe that’s part of the diet.

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