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I’m hardly getting supersized on edamame

June 22, 2006

I am a little embarrassed at just how much I like McDonald’s lately.

For years (including years of veganism, years of bodybuilding, and years of snobbery, all with some overlap), I would’ve died before walking into the place.

However, they have salads. The fruit and walnut salad is delicious. It has yogurt dipping sauce, and it is often the only acceptable thing to eat in, say, the Boise airport, or even in various parts of Manhattan late at night.

The grilled chicken Caesar is an acceptable standard, and the new “Asian salad” is, of course, not very Asian, but it’s exactly the sort of faux-Asian you expect from McDonald’s (kind of like when you get a grape lollipop, you expect fake-purple-grape, and would actually be kind of weirded out if it tasted anything like actual grapes), and, by Jove, it contains toasted almonds and edamame! I ate my first one in wonder: I am eating edamame … from McDonald’s! Next I shall demand a little chevre on mixed field greens and a nice Pinot Noir (with a straw, no doubt).

The new iced coffee — also tasty, and welcome, although my attempt to order certainly went better than these people’s endless quest for a McDonald’s iced (not banana) coffee.

McD’s — for whatever cynical, profiteering, PR damage control reasons — has taken this healthy business to the point of Dr. Dean Ornish on McD’s website advising yoga for reducing stress.

However, the problem with the new healthy-McDonald’s for most people is that you might walk in wanting a salad, but the place smells like bacon double cheeseburger.

It’s like if someone opened a combination church and strip joint, and put a big sign out front that said “Save your soul!”, but inside it just smelled like pussy and Alizé.


3 Responses to “I’m hardly getting supersized on edamame”

  1. Peter on June 22nd, 2006 3:43 pm

    Makes me think of American Spirit cigarettes. While the packaging conjures up images of oneness-with-nature the product inside is just as lethal as Kent or Carlton…blech.

    But at least McDonalds is offering an actual healthy alternative. Personally, I am physically incapable of walking out of McDonalds without french fries.

    Americans are faced these kind of acute temptations all the time. More and more, you need a supernatural will power to avoid being snuffed out by your own appetites. It’s like Denis Miller’s line: “Fat people are the canaries in the coal mine of freedom.”

  2. zombiehellmonkey on June 23rd, 2006 10:19 pm

    I know a hack to avoid buying stuff from McDonalds. Next time you go to one of these fast food factory farms, find the most disgusting looking person in that place. Stare at them while they eat the mashy food products. See how disgusting they look from eating all the food. They’ll soon feel intimidated by your staring and walk away, leaving their meal behind. You didn’t have to spend any money in McDonalds, and you got free food.

  3. Matt Penn on June 27th, 2006 9:30 pm

    Just this past weekend, a friend was asking my opinion about the film “Supersize Me”. “Whattaya think, Matt?” he inquired. “Insightful documentary about the dangers of living in a fast food nation? Or bullshit masquerading as ironic agitprop?”

    “Neither,” I replied. “How insightful is a jeremiad that sheds no new light on something we knew already? And while the film is certainly agitprop, forgetting about the location of the beef for a second. . .uh. . .where’s the irony? Irony refers to the difference between what one might expect, and what actually occurs. Does anyone really believe that eating all that shit can possibly be a GOOD thing?”

    Okay, then.

    It could be argued that one of the by-products of 9/11 is that in addition to the destruction of the World Trade Center, we also witnessed the death of irony; even while just about every college kid today thinks that his or her affectation is ironic. (Which is hardly ironic.) As I opined in another post, Dennis Miller is no longer ironic. He may be quicker than a hound dog coming to lunch, but nothing he says surprises. Does it?

    Additionally, much as I happen to like Mr. Miller, I don’t agree with him that fat people are the canaries in the coal mine of freedom. Sure, that sounds nice and. . .um. . .”ironic”. But it happens to be McBullshit.


    To: Dennis Miller
    From: One of Your Adoring Fans
    Date: June 27, 2006
    Re: McBullshit

    Denny -

    Listen up, babe: The canaries were sent into the coal mines because NO ONE KNEW if the level of methane was lethal. Capice?

    Now I don’t mean to go off on a rant here, but there is absolutely nothing alive and sentient with an IQ above its shoe size that doesn’t realize this McNugget of truth: Mickey D isn’t serving up the USRDA of wholesome goodness; even if the chain now serves lettuce with something other than the two all beef patties and the “special sauce” Ray Kroc didn’t want to refer to as “Russian dressing” during the Cold War.

    Who are canaries in the coal mine of freedom? Well, here’s one good example, off the top of my head: How about the Iranian couple trying to purchase the co-op across the hall from my parents?

    Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.

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