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married to a snake

June 22, 2006

This is a traditional Hindu wedding between a woman and a King Cobra (the snake didn’t show, so a brass replica is standing in for him):

Dan Henninger on Fox News said:

A woman in India last week married a snake. I would like to ask the proponents of gay marriage–which violates, after all, traditions going back through all of human history–to now absolutely, positively guarantee that the next movement is not going to be allowing people to marry their pet horse, dog or cat. And you know What? Given the “anything goes” culture we live in, I don’t think they can deliver that guarantee.

Stephen Colbert’s response (we are “manning the barricades at Fort Marriage!”) is here.

According to the Khaleej Times, this was a love match, and Bimbala Das’s neighbors were delighted that she had fallen in love with a snake, because they believe the marriage will bring good luck to the village. (From an AFP story: “Snakes and particularly the King Cobra are venerated in India as religious symbols worn by Lord Shiva, the god of destruction.”)

Hrm. So the conservative argument is: if you can marry someone of the same gender, it’s a slippery slope to … snakes!

What I haven’t heard anyone mention is that alternatives to traditional marriage, however restrictive or weird, have long been sought out by gay people living in societies restrictive to gays. For instance, nunneries were at one time chock-full of (along with girls who’d gotten knocked up) women who simply couldn’t bear the thought of marriage to a man — so being a bride of Christ, along with lots of other chicks, seemed a suitable alternative.

Das says “Though snakes cannot speak nor understand, we communicate in a peculiar way. Whenever I put milk near the anthill where the cobra lives, it (the snake) always comes out to drink.” She will now live in a hut near the snake’s anthill.

Hrm…. Maybe Bimbala is pulling a fast one, no? Here are the choices — get married off to a man twice my age, be a slave to his jealous mother-in-law, have his kids, and do everything he says until he dies, after which, fortunately I won’t be burned alive, but I’ll still be considered basically useless; or … live by myself at this anthill! Do some embroidery, cook whatever I want, maybe get a Netflix membership….

…and maybe my best friend Priya can come over, scented with cardamom, and we’ll have privacy, glorious privacy, as long as we don’t get strangled by a cobra mid-cunnilingus.


6 Responses to “married to a snake”

  1. Peter on June 22nd, 2006 5:28 pm

    Damn Jen, you knocked that one out of the park. If that’s not already a part of your stand up…well, I wouldn’t presume. But the marriage to Christ as an alternative to traditional marriage is killer.

  2. zombiehellmonkey on June 22nd, 2006 7:42 pm

    Oh, a woman marrying a snake; nothing new there.

  3. Matt Penn on June 23rd, 2006 4:41 am

    I agree with Peter that you have hit a grand slam with this one, Jen! You make an excellent point, of course, about the nuns.

    Lemme see if I have this straight. If a nun suddenly becomes the victim of catastrophic illness or injury, no one is likely to object if her husband (God) makes life or death decisions for her. And yet, apparently, there are those who are all bent out of shape because some Indian woman married a snake.

    Huh? I don’t get it. What’s the problem?

    In the first place, as our friend Zombie noted, a woman’s marrying a snake is nothing new, is it? But more importantly, wouldn’t you imagine that if the snake and this woman are a couple, he would be in a better position than anyone else to know what his beloved would really want were she to become–God forbid–some subcontinental Terri Schiavo? Well, what makes this serpent any different than the nun’s husband God, huh? I mean, Who died and made God. . .

    Oh. I see.

    Well, anyway. . .

    This is all very unfortunate, of course. More unfortunate, however, is the fact that these celebrity marriages seldom work; at least, not in the long run. For every Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, or Mel Brooks and the late Anne Bancroft, there is a Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley, or a Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney. Longevity has nothing to do with it, either. Michael and Diandra Douglas were married for a long time before he met Catherine Zeta-Jones. Ditto Harrison Ford and Melissa Mathison, before he got an Indiana Jones for jumping Calista Flockhart’s anorectic skin and bones. Just wait until Keira Knightley gets cast opposite Tom Hanks. Rita Wilson, we hardly knew ye!

    Oh, you’ll see–the viper may be riding high right now. Sure, he has a co-starring role as the villain opposite Sam Jackson in this summer’s much-awaited “Snakes on a Plane”, and an agreement in principle to appear with Steve Buscemi and Scarlett Johannsen in Oliver Stone’s forthcoming biopic “Adam & Eve”. So, yeah, he might be bouncing up and down on Oprah’s couch and shouting it from the rooftops now. But that won’t last. It never does.

    It’s sad, really.

  4. zombiehellmonkey on June 23rd, 2006 8:57 pm

    Matt Penn, you really should come over for dinner oneday…

  5. Matt Penn on June 26th, 2006 12:16 am

    Zombie -

    Thanks for the invitation, friend. If you are ever in New York, I will take you to this great snake place I know. If you’ve never had snake before, you’ll love it. It tastes just like chicken.


  6. Stacey on July 2nd, 2006 4:56 pm

    I think marrying a snake is just weird and gross because i think snakes are disgusting.

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