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an email to my brother

January 11, 2007

Dear Brian,

Due to an HTML error, your MySpace page currently reads:

Currently, I’m living with my fiance Jennifer. .. width=”425″ height=”350″>

I don’t know what kind of units you’re using, but she certainly doesn’t LOOK wider than she is tall.

(Longtime readers will recognize the counterfeit Jen Dziura as a recurring character).

My brother blames this all on what happens when you try to put a YouTube video on a MySpace page, which is apparently HTML mayhem.

Comments

7 Responses to “an email to my brother”

  1. Jen 2.0 on January 12th, 2007 2:36 am

    I sure as hell HOPE I don’t look wider than I am tall! If I EVER get to that point, just shoot me. Seriously.

  2. Peter on January 12th, 2007 3:52 am

    Listing your spouse’s height and circumference should be required everywhere.

  3. Shaun Eli on January 12th, 2007 4:29 pm

    Don’t worry, Jen 2.0. By the time you reach the point where you look wider than you are tall, you’ll probably be lying down.

  4. Jen2.0 on January 13th, 2007 3:14 am

    SUPER!

    It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that I have my very own fireman with every power tool imaginable at my beck and call. When the need arises, I don’t need 9-1-1 — he can cut out one of our walls to cart my then-fat ass to the hospital…with the aid of a backhoe.

    I am SO going to the gym tomorrow.

  5. Matt Penn on January 13th, 2007 9:43 pm

    The biblical decription of the giant famously slain by a slingshot-wielding shepherd boy named David who grew up to be Richard Gere, lists Goliath of Gath as having stood “six cubits and a span”. Biblical scholars have said that this would make him either 6′6″–absolutely Brobdignagian compared to the average Semite–or a more improbable 9′9″, depending on the length of each measurement. [NOTE: This discrepancy may be cleared up now that archaeologists have discovered ancient writings having listed the patriarch Abraham's erect member, prior to his circumcision, as having been exactly a span. A span, it turns out, is an inexact measurement equivalent to exactly the length from the tip of the thumb to that of the pinkie, when the hand is spread as far as it will go. Yes, it depends on whose hand is being measured. Yes, I know what they say about big hands. (And big gloves.) But to simplify, consider that Abram was a prophet; not a power forward. He played for the Chosen People. So do the math, and spare me the cards and letters, okay?] In any case, the point is that it’s important to know which measurements are being used.

    By my reckoning, Jen 2.0 could be as tall as a dinosaur, or as short as Ricardo Montalban’s sidekick. There’s just no way to tell based on the available information.

    On the other hand, it seems safe to say that Brian Dziura’s span is. . .

    Y’know what? Forget I said anything, okay?

  6. April Brucker on January 14th, 2007 1:16 am

    Brothers never cease to amaze me. Especially when it comes to their fiances. My brother brought his fiance a hat that was absolutely well….hideous and I was like, “Are you out of your mind?”

    But unfortunately I have met some people who are wider than they are tall. And that still dosnt stop them from being half naked on myspace

  7. Brian Dziura on January 15th, 2007 2:35 pm

    I fail to see why I am playing such a signifigant role in this. My only crime was poor HTML work. And really it’s not even my fault. I blame YouTube.

    I’ve certainly never brought my fiance a hideous hat.

    One time, I did have this great plan for Christmas though. She is obsessed with shoes (like many many women out there). So I was going to buy the ugliest shoes I could find that were still reasonable enough that she would believe I liked them. Then I was going to buy a Bedazzler on ebay. I’m sure you see where this plan is going. After they were sufficiently “blinged out” I would going to give them to her straight faced and tell her that I hope she loves them. Knowing how nice she is, she would almost certainly lie and say they were perfect. Then I would take her out to a really nice dinner and insist she wear her new shoes. Sometime between the main course and dessert I would ask her if she liked them again. And once she said she did, I would laugh as hard and as loud as I possibly could for as long as I possibly could.

    After careful consideration, I determined this was not the most prudent approach to Christmas and I abandoned the plan. Mostly because when the punch line of this joke would hit her, we’d be sitting at a table full of pointy silverware that she could easily use to injure me very badly.

    Now if only I could use my powers for good instead of evil…

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