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Words Mean Things (Bipartisan Edition)

August 29, 2008

Noted by TPM – the GOP doesnt know were to put there’s apostrophes’:

students-for-mccain.jpg 

From Punditkitchen.com

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Jen on TV, the SAT, and politics

March 20, 2008

I’m back in New York. The pilot went smashingly, although if I told you any more, I’d still have to kill you. I’d never worn fake eyelashes for two days straight before, nor had I ever worn them as early in the day as 10am.

My SAT students got their scores back today, and two of them scored 2330s (out of 2400). Amazing.

I can’t stop giving money to Barack Obama. From today’s email about Obama’s having to fight McCain and Clinton at the same time:

Senator Clinton and Senator McCain are reading from the same political playbook as they attack Barack on foreign policy.

They have both criticized Barack’s commitment to act against top al Qaeda terrorists if others can’t or won’t act.

And they have both dismissed his call for renewed diplomacy as naïve while mistakenly standing behind George Bush’s policy of non-engagement that just isn’t working.

But most of all — after five years of overwhelming evidence that we are less safe, less able to shape events abroad, and more divided at home — Senator Clinton and Senator McCain are failing to address the consequences of a war they both supported that should have never been authorized and never been waged.

We need a leader who had the judgment to oppose this war before it began and who has a clear plan to end it.

Hillary, as Democrats go, you’re our Republican.

shrunken heads (in a good way)

March 13, 2008

Aww… I saw these Obama earrings in the newspaper.

I think the matching necklace might be a little much. Perhaps Obama earrings will be the “I like Ike” button of our era.

Liberals and Conservatives: a Truce?

April 11, 2007

Rosie O’Donnell has been on The View awkwardly discussing Don Imus and whether a racist remark merits being fired from a public platform. She kind of has to stick up for Imus, or else argue for her own firing. And apparently, Rosie recently argued on the show that 9/11 was a conspiracy by the United States. For those who’ve never visited her blog, it’s written in this sort of illiterate free verse:

the british did it on purpose
into iranian waters
as
US MILITARY BUILD UP ON THE IRANIAN BORDER

we will be in iran
before summer
as planned

come on people
u have 2 c
i know u can

I mean, I’m glad she’s talking about important issues, but I also wish she had evidence, as well as both subjects and predicates.

Apropos to the British/Iranian debacle, I’ve also been inspired by recent discussion of hostage trading. So here’s the deal, conservatives: you lock Ann in a box, we’ll do the same to Rosie. We’ll all be a lot less embarrassed.

Ching Chang Chong FAGGOT!

Box.

Presidential name game

April 10, 2007

Celebrity couples have all become subject to cute combo-names: Bennifer, TomKat, Brangelina, and now…

Gyllenspoon

What if, instead of restricting this practice to those who are actually banging each other, we also applied it to Presidential tickets?

For instance:

HillBama

And on the Republican side:

CondiCain

Or, here’s a good one:

MormonDick

Or, if Hillary doesn’t make the cut….

Barack O’GuyWhoseWifeHasCancer

xo,
Jen

Survivor: Ultimate Edition!

September 18, 2006

An article on Salon by Heather Havrilesky about the current season of Survivor, in which teams are broken down by race, contains this hilarious account of the depravity of European-Americans:

A member of the white tribe steals a chicken from a member of the Asian tribe, and is unrepentant, saying later, “I saw a chicken, I grabbed a chicken, because the chicken was free.” Upon arriving on their island, the white tribe members congratulate one another on “kicking ass” and grabbing so much good stuff so quickly. Later, while chatting about her nickname, one of the tribe members accidentally sets both of the two chickens free. The tribe members chase the chickens, but can’t catch them, and the guy who stole the chickens is extremely angry. Later that night, the first night on the island, two of the cute young people, Adam and Candace, cuddle…. Is this really “Survivor,” or some kind of ominous fable depicting the rise and fall of Western civilization?    

Apparently, Survivor has engaged in similar demographic hijinks in the past, like separating people by age or gender. You know what I’d like to see?

 Survivor: Democrats vs. Republicans!

Episode 1:The Republican team attempts to annex the entire island in the name of Manifest Destiny (and Jesus). Someone immediately begins drilling for oil. The Republican women submit dutifully to the men, except the strident blonde one, who loudly proclaims that everyone on the Democratic side of the island rapes babies. When host Jeff Probst points out that the Democratic team has no babies, she sharpens a stick with her serpent-teeth and writes SLANDER: Lies from the Democratic Side of the Island, Which by the Way is Full of Baby Rapists Who also LOVE TERRORISM. Two male members of the Republican team build a “log cabin” and are promptly ostracized by the rest of the group, until it comes time to vote.

The Democratic team promptly breaks down into oppressed minority groups, each with its own coalition. A debate ensues over whether to found a coalition for transgendered group members, even though no one in the group is transgendered. The deaf lesbian declares the area between the river and the westmost coconut tree to be a “safe space for women.” A debate ensues over whether, were the transgendered coalition to gain any members, those members would be welcome in the safe space for women. The discussion breaks down in the absence of a sign language interpreter, at which point the Democrats realize they are late for a Challenge against the Republican team. They promptly lose, while nevertheless agreeing that they are, once again, oppressed. Returning to their side of the island, the Democrats use palm fronds to build primitive computers and huddle together to develop their “netroots strategy.”

also, "friend of Hillary" sounds suspiciously like "confirmed bachelor"

April 13, 2005

I’m on the Friends of Hillary mailing list, but I must say I have not found the Senator’s email communications to be persuasive or engaging. I mean, I’m still on the team, but I just got this:

You may have read news stories this weekend about the latest right wing effort to attack Hillary in 2006….. Meanwhile, as her opponents boast about their plans, Hillary goes on working hard for the people New York to address their real needs and concerns. I thought you’d like an update on what she’s doing: Hillary joined her colleague Senator Chuck Schumer to ensure that the new fleet of presidential helicopters will be built in upstate New York.

Yes! Thank you! Please make sure presidential helicopters will be built in upstate New York! I have no creater concerns for truth and justice in America than this!

I only hope that someday I may be employed in the hovering-vehicle segment of the upstate New York aviation industry, and that I may be selected to labor on this contract, allowing me to personally touch the cool metal and rugged internal parts that will miraculously join together to make a helicopter in which our highest elected leader may travel in luxury and safety.

the memo that just won’t die

April 8, 2005

So, let me get this straight…. according to Salon’s account:

When the Terri Schiavo story became national news in mid-March, a curious subplot revolved around a talking-points memo that was reportedly distributed to Republican senators. Reported first by ABC News, and then by the Washington Post, the existence of a memo, which made crass — and ill-advised, it turns out — assertions that the Schiavo story was a political winner for Republicans, gave Democrats ammunition in their insistence that the GOP’s involvement in the right-to-die case was more about politics than morality.

The document described the case as “a great political issue” that would excite “the pro-life base” and be “a tough issue for Democrats.” Then right-wing bloggers tried to claim the memo was a fake planted by the Dems, but…

Late on Wednesday, the Washington Post reported that the author of the memo had stepped forward: An aide to Republican Sen. Mel Martinez of Florida admitted he had written it. Now the facts are clear: The memo is real, and it was written by the Republican side and distributed by the Republican side, making it a GOP talking-points memo.

So … shockingly (!), Republicans did some thinking about how (wait for the kicker…) current events might benefit their party.

Um … okay. I am not at all shocked that Republicans have an interest in using hot-button topics to their own advantage. “A woman in a coma is at the center of a vigorous debate — how can we use this to benefit our party?” “It’s raining out — how can we use this to get our guy elected?” Awesome. That’s what politicians do.

In fact, I would really like the Democrats to do more such strategizing. That’s your goddamn job. I vote for you, you make shit happen and try to get re-elected. Start now! When something happens, write a memo about how to use it to win stuff. Please. I would like my elected representatives to stop complaining about the other side playing politics. It’s like my hometown baseball team complaining that the other guys are exercising before the season starts.

"she’s the Eleanor Roosevelt who finally found herself in the right generation"

February 15, 2005

New York Magazine is running a cover story about Hillary in ‘08. Some parts of the lengthy article supplied me with new factual information:

Since serving in public office, Hillary has scrupulously positioned herself as a centrist: She sits on the Armed Services Committee; she has spoken out in favor of the death penalty; she voted for the war in Iraq, then voted unambiguously for the $87 billion extra to sustain the troops (and without Kerry’s grammatical sleight of hand–she voted for it before voting for it again) … Yet even by Senate standards, Hillary has demonstrated a stunning flair for bipartisanship. In just four years, she’s managed to co-sponsor a bill with nearly every legislator who, at one time or another, professed to hate her guts…. A Reuters story from April 2003 noted she’d already sponsored bills with more than 36 Republican senators.

However, the article also contained this entirely embarassingly commentary, as though Carrie Bradshaw had started writing political analysis:

These, perhaps, are the Clintons’ characterological differences in a nutshell: Bill, the bounding cocker spaniel, panting for praise and attention no matter what the hour; Hillary, the groomed Cheshire cat, shrewdly observing boundaries. Dogs often become presidents–Kennedy, Johnson, and Clinton come to mind as recent examples–in part because their desperation to please, their sensitivity to human moods, makes them ravenously hungry for public approval. (And, as we unfortunately know, also a bit prone to acting like dogs.) But can a cat become a president?

Meow.